A vegan girl just posted a picture of a cow on Facebook, she'd written underneath, "How do you eat these poor, defenceless animals.."

I replied, "I can't speak for everyone, but personally, I like mine with, mixed veg, tatties and gravy..."

Me and my girlfriend were talking names for our baby, she said, "I want something original!"

I said, "How about Werthers?"

Adele has contracted that flesh eating virus.

Doctors have given her only two decades to live.

If i had 50p for every maths test i failed, i'd now have £2.30

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Muffikin
Muffikin who?
Muffikin fingers are trapped in the door.

90% of being married is shouting “WHAT?” from other rooms.

My English teacher said " Your grammar is sh1t."
I replied " Your granddad is a ****."

Does anybody know the name of that 80s sitcom about a former Red Sox player that owns/runs a bar in Boston?

Cheers

I was at a retirement do today and the boss was speaking about John from catering. John is seemingly a bit slow on the uptake but was always smiling and happy in his role The big boss said "for 30 years you have been bringing me coffee, filled to the brim, without even spilling a drop. How do you manage that over these stairs...?

JOHN: That's easy! Before I climb up the stairs, I take a big sip, and as I get to the top, I put it back in..."

A Scottish couple took in a 22 year old female student as a lodger.
She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath but if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire on account of the cold.
"Monday would be the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said. The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.
After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair.
She mentioned this to her husband when he came home.
He didn't believe her, so she said, "Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden. I'll leave a gap in the curtains, so you can see for yourself."
So the following Monday, when the girl again got undressed, the wife asked: "Do you shave?" "No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?"
"Oh, yes," said the woman and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl.
The girl finished her bath and went to bed.
Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did you see it?"
"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."
"Why ever are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough before."
"I know," he said.... "but the bl00dy darts team hadn't!"

Thought of the day............How do deaf people hear their own thoughts?

My wife came into the bedroom wearing nothing but a pair of red fishnet stockings,

She looked like two bags of onions.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.
*
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
*
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
*
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
*
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-feet-per-minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
*
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
*
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
*
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
*
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF is always inoperative in OFF mode.
*
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
*
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
*
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
*
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics..
*
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
*
And the best one for last.
*
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget.

Bigmo - I know you don't write your own jokes but isn't it time you got your own TV show - if McIntyre can do it, or is there some reason holding you back. The old fashioned comedians ie: Manning, Roper, Mickie Finn etc could live for years off this thread.

From this hotel window in Grimsby...all I can see is the harbour area...trawlers...the fish-dock and market...Oh!...and a fish - finger processing plant!...still it's a birds-eye view!

October is Eczema Awareness Month so I'm raising money by selling scratch cards.

No he is slipping - I only laughed out loud 4 times this week.   Poor showing.
He is straying on to other freds two.  He kneads putting in his plaice.

I went to Specsavers and said, "I think I need new glasses, these are blurry."

The optician replied, "If you're going to clean them with your handkerchief, do it before you blow your nose."

I told myself that I should stop drinking, but why should I listen to some daft tw@t who talks to himself?

I just downloaded a pirated copy of the Bohemian Rhapsody movie the quality is crap I can only see a little sil........