Hey bigmo, best fred on here ever!!!

t0sser

Steerforth give us a gag you moaning ****.

Nothing hurts a troll more than being ignored.

Ok - 36 hours gone by and nothing new from the main man. That makes me sad and maybe I went OTT with the criticism. I've become the most hated person on here, and thats fair enough. But please believe me when I say that ALL I was appealing for was a little bit of self discipline. Bigmo - from your years of doing this I'm certain that you know the difference between something that works and something that is just plain bad and I just hated that lately you were creeping into a habit that was letting down your own standards. The majority of what you put up here is really good - in fact I cut and paste your stuff and keep my own list to use the best when the time's right. And I totally get that what I find funny is not always what someone else does and vice versa. There is no objective test of what's funny and what isn't. (and the non PC is often very funny- as you said yourself - not to be taken seriously). But I'm also pretty sure that the one I took a shot at is so far off  that its a bit disappointing that no-one came on here and just said-  "fair point". Not surprising though - you're revered, and rightly so. Your record is there to be seen. I regret the tone but I really do hope you get my meaning. You're better than that. But like everyone else I surely have the right to express a view, it wasn't meant to be preachy.
I'd post a gag to prove I'm not actually a miserable tw*t - but probably not the right time. (That's discretion, as is my withdrawal from this conversation).

I was walking down a road in Liverpool, i started to cough and wheeze, cleared my throat of phlegm.
Fellow walking opposite me said not bad mate how are you.

Steerforth"  Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain - and most fools do.

Excellent thread Bigmo and keep posting mate

The keyboard player in our band committed suicide after his Hammond c70, Moog 361 and Casio with a built in valve and leslie keyboards all broke down at once.

The coroner said he died of multiple organ failure.

I took my girlfriend to see Take That for her birthday, about half an hour in they announced, "Next, we're going to do, A million love songs.."

I thought, don't be a tw@t Barlow, the last train's at ten o'Clock.

Nelson at Trafalgar 2011

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy"

Hardy: "Aye, aye sir"

Nelson: "Hold on, this isn't what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"

Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud): “ England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledygook is this for God's sake?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting “ England " past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco"

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments"

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle"

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it full speed ahead"

Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water"

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please"

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir"

Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until proper scaffolding can be erected"

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy"

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral"

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd"

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier- free environment for the differently abled"

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under- represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency"

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons"

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy"

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral"

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"

Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There are a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks"

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not"

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation"

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity coordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report"

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King"

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"

Nelson: "Don't tell me - Health and Safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment"

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir"

Nelson: "In that case................... Kiss me, Hardy"

My 9-year-old told me his teacher said I'm a bad parent.

"Right," I said. "Finish your pint and we'll go and have it out with the ****."

Burnt my Hawaiian pizza last night.

Should have put it on aloha setting.

Do twins ever realise that one of them was unplanned?

Hunter.

An Engineer dies and goes to Hell. Dissatisfied with the level of comfort, he starts designing and building improvements.

After a while, Hell has air conditioning, iced water, flush toilets, and escalators; and the Engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls and asks Satan, "So, how are things going down there?"

Satan says, “Why, things are going great. We've now got air conditioning, iced water, flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this Engineer is going to come up with next!"

God is horrified. "What? You've got an Engineer? That's clearly a mistake – he should never have gone down there! You know all Engineers go to Heaven. Send him up here immediately!!"

Satan says, "No way, I really like having an Engineer on the staff. I’m keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue you."

"Yeah, right," Satan laughs, "and where are you going to get a Lawyer?

A blonde walks up to a Coke machine and puts in a coin. Out pops a Coke. The blonde looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins. She returns and starts feeding the machine madly and of course the machine keeps feeding out drinks.

Another person walks up behind the blonde and watches her antics for a few minutes before stopping her and asking if someone else could have a go.

The blonde turns around and shouts, "Can't you see I'm winning!"

A Well-Argued Court Case...


The beauty of a language and the art of constructing the words of the language significantly lead to their meaning.

This is not a case of twisting, but of the refined manner of presentation by witty minds.

A good case for reference - Lawyers!!!

One evening, after attending the theater, two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when they observed a rather well dressed and attractive young lady walking ahead of them one of them turned to the other and remarked, “I'd give $250 to spend the night with that woman."

Much to their surprise, the young lady overheard their remark, turned around, and replied, "I'll take you up on that offer."

She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after bidding his companion good night, the man accompanied the young lady to her apartment.

The following morning, as he prepared to leave, the man gave her $125. She demanded the rest of the money, stating, "If you don't give me the other $125, I'll sue you for it." He laughed, saying "I'd like to see you get it on these grounds."

Within a few days, he was surprised when he received a summons ordering his presence in court as a defendant in a lawsuit. He hurried to his lawyer and explained the details of the case. His lawyer said, "She can't possibly get a judgment against you on such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her case will be presented."

After the usual preliminaries, the lady’s Lawyer addressed the court as follows: “Your honour, my client, this lady, is the owner of a piece of property, a garden spot, surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time for the sum of $250.

The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for the purposes for which it was rented, but upon evacuating the premises, he paid only $125, one-half of the amount agreed upon. The rent was not excessive, since it is restricted property, and we ask judgment be granted against the defendant to assure payment of the balance."

The defendant's Lawyer was not only surprised but also impressed and amused by the way his opponent had presented the case. Naturally, his defense was somewhat different from the way he originally planned to present it. He rose to the occasion!

'Your honour," he said, "My client agrees that the lady has a fine piece of property, that he did rent such property for a time, and a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction. However, my client found a well on the property around which he placed his own stones, sunk a shaft, and erected a pump, all labour performed personally by him.

We claim these improvements to the property were sufficient to offset the unpaid amount, and that the plaintiff was adequately compensated for the rental of said property. We, therefore, ask that judgment not be granted."

The young lady’s lawyer answered, "Your honour, my client agrees that the defendant did find a well on her property. However, had the defendant not known that the well existed, he would never have rented the property. Also, upon evacuating the premises, the defendant removed the stones, pulled out the shaft, and took the pump with him. In doing so, he not only dragged the equipment through the shrubbery, but left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making the property much less desirable to others. We, therefore, ask that judgment be granted."

In the Judge’s decision, he provided for two options: "Pay the balance $125 to the plaintiff, or have the equipment detached from its current location and provide it to the plaintiff for damages."

The defendant wrote out a cheque immediately.

Hark the hairlipped angels sing .

Gwowy thwew the thwnewborn thning

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to re-phrase that?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.