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Got any jokes?
Got any jokes?
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Replies: 14,654
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“£4 for a bucket of popcorn??? The last time I was at the cinema it was only 50 pence!”
“Oh, well, you’re in for a big treat, sir. They’ve added colour and sound to the pictures since then.” |
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I suffer from kleptomania, but when it gets really bad, I take something for it.
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We were so poor growing up
For Christmas I'd have a pack of batteries with a label on it that said 'Toys not Included' |
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A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
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I'm not sure if my wife's doing yoga or trying to find the best position for shaving her @rse.
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In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth... After that, everything else was made in China.
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Russia without women, because FO (French open)
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err.. French Open
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I went to a sex shop and bought a sex doll.
The salesman said it was a best seller and would leave me hot sweaty and breathless. He wasn't wrong, half an hour I was pumping that f*cker up, before I realised it had a puncture. |
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My ex-wife still misses me but her aim is steadily improving.
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I saw graham norton on breakfast tv.
He had just flown in from paris, and apologised that his voice was a little bit croaky. He must have had a frog in his throat. |
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I've heard on the news that prison officers and G4S, Serco and the like are making a mess of our prison system and that the inmates are running the show.
Well 40 odd years ago Elvis Presley was going to parties at his local County Jail so I don't think they are doing such a bad job personally. |
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Years ago I was all set to be cast in a movie before Matt Damon swooped in and stole the lead role from me.
One day I’ll have my revenge. I’ll make him sorry he was Bourne. |
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“Your finest Scotch, please.” “Yes, sir,” the guy at Staples says as he hands me a 12 year old roll of tape.
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My girlfriend called me last night.
“I’m just sitting here watching soaps, I’ve got my face mask on, my hair in rollers and I’m painting my nails.” She said, “I swear you’re a bender.” |
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Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
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I was getting a bit frisky with the sexy Polish girl that works in the 7/11 last night, "Giz a kiss beautiful," I said with a wink..
"Go away creepy man," she replied. "Don't be like that," I said, as I reached across the counter with puckered lips, "Come on! Just one kiss..." "You want I scream?" She said backing away... I said, "Go on then, I'll have a Cornetto..." |
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This morning some clown opened the door for me. I thought to myself that’s a nice jester.
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 Ice cream... |
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Daniel Sturridge is out for 6 weeks after tweaking his hamstring coming out of BetFred.
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So the creator of Spiderman has croaked
Well i'll tell you this for nothing, i didn't need a radio active spider to bite me as a teenager so i could start flicking a sticky white substance off my wrist. |
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A range of alcoholic drinks is being produced named after famous authors....
Dickens Cider is proving very popular |
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I am currently trying to raise money for a small charity that is little known.It is for Japanese soldiers coming
out of the jungle ,from WW2 who still believed the war was on.They need make-up and creams for their faces .having been squinting in 100 degree heat through binoculars for many years.those wishing to donate please look for the Found asians foundation foundation .Thanks. |
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Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking out of the box.
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Recent records show that 58% of marriages end in misery...
The other 42% get divorced. |
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The wife hates it when I snore.
Especially when we're having sex. |
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The man who invented the word search has died his funeral is...
T T I S P V G K M P H J G U O N Q U X N M O N D A Y S Z B A T K T E N O P G |
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My mate reckons he can tighten nuts and bolts just by sitting on them.
Personally I think he torques out of his @rse… |
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I've just bought some state of the art garden shears.
They're the latest in cutting hedge technology. |
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I can drive a woman wild with my tongue.
It’s simple. I say "Have you put weight on ?" |
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bigmo • November 13, 2018 4:46 PM GMT
Daniel Sturridge is out for 6 weeks after tweaking his hamstring coming out of BetFred. Big LOL! |
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With Harry Redknapp in the jungle, I'm a Celeb will be relegated to ITV2 by Christmas..
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Brexit means Brexit
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A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO…
He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light. An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?” The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!” “That’s a lot of money,” says the old man. “Why does it cost so much?” “Because this car can do up to 250 miles an hour!” states the doctor proudly. The moped driver asks, “Mind if I take a look inside?” “No problem,” replies the doctor. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his moped, the old man says, “That’s a pretty nice car, all right, but I’ll stick with my moped!” Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 150 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror – what it could be…and suddenly… WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH! Something whips by him going much faster! “What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?” the doctor asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 175 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it’s the old man on the moped! Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 210 mph. WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH! He’s feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN! Astounded by the speed of his old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 250 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there’s nothing he can do! Suddenly, the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The doctor stops and jumps out and , unbelievably, the old man is still alive. He runs up to the mangled old man and says, “Oh my gosh! Is there anything I can do for you?” The old man whispers, “Unhook my braces from your wing mirror.” |
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They say that time is a great healer.
Which would explain why doctor's surgeries make you wait 3 weeks for an appointment. |
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They say the pain during child birth is so great.
A woman can almost imagine what a man with man flu feels like. |
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A nice, calm, and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, “I would like to buy some cyanide.”
The pharmacist asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?” The lady replied, “I need it to poison my husband.” The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he exclaimed, “Lord have mercy! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!” The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, “You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.” |
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Pharmacy.....
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Basil Brush to convert to Islam.
BOOM BOOM. |
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What do you call a camel with four humps?
A Saudi Quattro. |