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Got any jokes?
Got any jokes?
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Replies: 14,654
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BBC Breaking News:
The inventor of the anagram has died.... May he "erect a pen1s |
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I see a market potential for an eye lid opening machine - how long do yours take !!??
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Suicidal but can't afford a trip to Dignitas in Switzerland? Simply book an Egypt break with Thomas Cook and Bob's your Uncle!
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That 'Later with Jools Holland' is quite a good show.
But I just wish it was on a little earlier and had a different presenter. |
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ha ha mo - it use to be good and right on didn't it
I lurve my music but when the ego takes over it becomes difficult to watch particularly when one (like me) is not particularly talented hugs and kisses xxxxxxxx |
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just waiting for chelski to slot in their 4th goal
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Great jokes Moisok
I ate a clock yesterday, it was very time-consuming And the lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life". John came fifth and won a toaster |
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Three conspiracy theorists walked in to a bar.
well, that's what they want you to believe |
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Muktar singh has set the world speed record for a man on a bicycle, 110 miles an hour, in India yesterday .
He was on a level crossing when he was hit by a train . |
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My Doctor said that my heavy drinking was making me Paranoid, "So when did you have your last drink?" He asked
"What do you f*cking mean, last?" I said |
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The wife w@nked me off with her toes under the table at a dinner party .
I secretly filmed it on my phone, lovely bit of footage . |
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I drew a portrait of my mate. He said you've made me look like Paul Daniels. So I said, you liked it but not a lot?
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If you lose one sense your other senses are enhanced.
This is why people with no sense of humour have a heightened sense of self-importance. |
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Imagine The Titanic with a lisp.
It's unthinkable. |
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I love the smell of freshly brewed coffee in the morning.
And I love the sound of no **** talking to me while I drink it. |
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It really annoys me when people put swear words at the end of their joke just to make it funny.
Tw@ts. |
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I was chatting up a girl and she asked me, "What do you like doing?"
"Stalking women that I fancy," I replied, smiling. "Haha, you're funny," she said. "I enjoy long walks and relaxing in a bubble bath." "I know," I replied. |
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My wife said she's leaving me because apparently I'm an annoying b*stard...
... I almost choked on my vuvuzela!! |
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the stalker - very very good bigmo
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One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
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I think I know why I keep getting called a panda on here, I've just heard my girlfriend discussing me with her mother, she said,
"All he ever does is eats, shoots and leaves. " |
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A recent scientific study reveals that women have cleaner minds than men.
This, scientists say is basically due to the fact that they change them every f*cking 10 seconds or so. |
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New health food restaurant just opened in Glasgow.
"I Can't Believe It's Not Battered" |
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A young gypsie girl was sitting chatting to her mum the night before her wedding.
"I'd like to talk to you about your wedding night. Your husband will want to put his prized possession where you peee" said the mum. "I'm confused mum. Why would he want to put his tarmac rake in the sink?" |
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My brother plays football for a team called the Musketeers.
They started the season well..with three wins and a draw.. all 4-1 and one 4-all.... |
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irish man started a new fast pasta business
Pat Noodle Lionell Messi in a club says to girl "get your coat you.ve pulled" she replies "your a little foreward arent you " |
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Bigmo... |
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In history I was learning about Galileo.
I already knew that he was a poor boy, from a poor family. |
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The singer Cliff Richard has been suffering from much online abuse since the court case
He’s got himself some spying, talking, tweeting, stalking, living trolls |
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I was gutted today when I came home and was told by my wife that my 5 year old son wasn't actually mine...
She says that I need to pay more attention when picking him up from school... |
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Excellent Bigmo. All much appreciated - and laughed at.
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Jack Hacksaw,workrider,thanks.
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A recent poll of a thousand ex-Moslems found they left the faith for the following reasons:
14 said they were disgusted with Islamist terrorism 57 said they wanted to drink alcohol 72 said they no longer believed in God and 857 said it was because Sinéad O'Connor had converted. |
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Wanna make a car dealer really uncomfortable? Just say "Tell me if you can you hear this." Then get in the boot and start screaming.
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My wife asked me to get two dozen eggs as she was baking cup cakes for a party.
As I left the shop I remembered that wise old saying "never put all your eggs in one basket". What a load of tosh that is, when I got home the ones in the basket were fine, the 12 I had in my jeans pockets were smashed to bits. |
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I lost my job serving tea to the patients at the local Mastectomy clinic. Apparently asking "one lump or two?" is insensitive.
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I was showing an American colleague who was over on a business conference the sights.
"Wow," he said. "I can't believe how small and compact everything is. Your cars, your buildings, your TV's, and even your food portions." Then I introduced him to my wife. That shut him up. |
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Police were called to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
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