Chit Chat
There is currently 1 person viewing this thread.
These 14654 comments are related to the topic:
Got any jokes?
Got any jokes?
sort by:
Show
per page
Replies: 14,654
|
By:
The Internet has become too politically correct.
What's all this nonsense about disabled cookies? In my day they were called broken biscuits. |
|
By:
Autocorrect is a b'stard. Just text my pal asking if he wanted to go for a w@nk down the river!
I meant the canal. |
|
By:
One great indicator that you're getting drunk is when you find yourself constantly dropping things, like your standards.
|
|
By:
My mum walked in my room the other day and said "You'll go blind if you do that." I was so embarrassed, I dropped my binoculars and missed the eclipse.
|
|
By:
"Women are the stronger sex"
Says the gender that cries lots and can't open jars. |
|
By:
Seen on Twitter.
Daddy "What does penetrating gays mean?" Well you know mummy and daddy love each other, well sometimes two men can do the same. In what context was it said?" "The woman looked at the customer with a penetrating gaze......" |
|
By:
Edward I of England comes to Scotland to conquer the Scots.
He brings 4,000 men with him. As he nears the battlefield, There suddenly appears a solitary figure on the crest of the hill. A short, ginger-haired guy in a kilt. 'Come up here, ya English b@stards, and I'll give ye a hammerin'!' Edward turns to his commander. 'Send 20 men to deal with that little Scottish upstart, he says. The commander sends twenty of his best men over the hill to kill the scotsman Ten minutes later, at the crest of the hill, the little Scot appears again. 'Ya English diddies!' he yells.'Come on the rest of ye!! Come on, I'll take ye all on!' Edward is getting somewhat annoyed. He turns to his commander. 'Send 100 men to kill that little sh1te!' The commander sends 100 men Over the hill to do the job. Ten minutes later, the little Scot appears at the top of the hill once more, his hair all sticking up, his shirt a wee bit torn. 'Ya English SCUM!' he yells. 'I'm just warming up!! Come and get me, Ya English sh1tes !!' Edward losses patience. 'Commander, take 400 men and personally wipe that little b@stard off the face of the earth!' he yells. The commander gulps, but leads four Hundred men on horseback over the crest of the hill. Ten minutes later, the little Scotsman is back. His clothing is all torn, his face is covered in blood, Snot and Irn-Bru. 'Is that the best ye can do??? You're bl00dy WUMMIN!!! Come on!! Come and have a go, ya bunch of English Sh1tes!!!' he yells. Edward turns to his second in command. 'Take 1,000 men over that hill and don't come back till you've killed that little red haired b@stard!' he commands. The second in command gathers the men and they ride off over the hill to their fate. Ten minutes later, one of the English troops appears back at the top of the hill. covered in blood, his clothes all torn off his back. 'Your Majesty!' he yells. 'It's a trap!!! There's f*ckin two of them!!! |
|
By:
"Yes..we have reservations..but we'll eat here anyway!"...what I say to every greeting waiter / waitress in a restaurant!
|
|
By:
A woman goes into the chemists and notices a large stack of tampons in the corner with a sign above saying
"Special Offer, Five Boxes for £2.50" She says to the assistant "Five boxes of tampons for £2.50, where's the catch"? The assistant replies "It's a genuine offer, five boxes for £2.50, no strings attached" |
|
By:
I'm on a quest around the world to find Bigfoot.
I'd originally set out to find a cheap energy supplier, but I decided to keep my goals realistic |
|
By:
The world tongue twister champion was killed in a tragic motorway accident today.
He was run over by a red lorry, then a yellow lorry, then a red lorry....... |
|
By:
Photons have mass.
Which surprised me, as I didn't even know they were Catholic. |
|
By:
Photons have mass.
Which surprised me, as I didn't even know they were Catholic. |
|
By:
If you take 7 pigs, 4 cows and 2 dogs, what do you have??
A Blackpool hen do |
|
By:
A Prostitute new to the game was told by her pimp “No sex for the first 7 days..just w@nks!”
She asked.. “Why only w@nks?”..her pimp said.. “Union rules!..you gotta work a week in hand!” |
|
By:
 |
|
By:
or the prostitute who went to the police to report she d been raped. when dd it happen she was asked.when the cheque bounced was her reply.
|
|
By:
New Divorced Barbie
Comes with all of Ken's accessories. |
|
By:
What takes up 18 parking spaces?
9 Women drivers. |
|
By:
Lost for centuries..Volume 2 of the Irish Dancing Manual has finally been rediscovered!
It’s entitled “How To Move The Arms” |
|
By:
I think churches would be much nicer places to visit if they didn't always build them in graveyards.
|
|
By:
Man walks into a bar with a pork pie sellotaped to his forehead.
The barman says excuse me mate why have you got a pork pie sellotaped to your forehead? He replies "oh I do this every Tuesday"! "But it's Thursday today mate". Replies the barman. The man says "Oh I must look a right tw@t"! |
|
By:
I was having a peeee in a public toilet earlier.
While I was shaking it. Everyone heard what I was doing. I still had my one man band costume on. |
|
By:
I recently tried to join the Magic Circle, but failed the interview.
They kept asking me trick questions. |
|
By:
We're so skint in our house, my wife sold one of her kidneys to pay for the kids new school uniform ......
If things get any worse, I'll have to cancel Sky Sports ...... |
|
By:
Gareth Gates had to cancel his planned comeback concert in Chester last night....
He ordered a taxi to get to the gig but ended up in Chichester.... |
|
By:
I was walking through my local town centre when I saw a homeless guy with a can of Tennant's in his hand.
I thought "Now that's ironic." |
|
By:
My wife says she's leaving me cause I treat her like one of my dogs...
She'll be back when she's hungry. |
|
By:
I called up the doctor and said in a panic, "Doctor, my wife has started showing signs of early labour !"
"Has her water broken ?" he asked. "No, she's putting up pictures of Clement Attlee all around the house !" |
|
By:
London Wasps....
Have they got a 'B' team? |
|
By:
A man at the races came over to me and whispered, "Do you want the winner of the next race?"
I said "No thanks, I've only got a small garden". |
|
By:
A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is an old fart in his sixties and the other is a gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties.
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try first?" The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet. The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the old fart and asks, "Can you top that?" The old guy replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of there." |
|
By:
Is it normal for one of your testicles to be larger than the other two?
Asking for a friend |
|
By:
Dear ladies .
Tell your b00bs to stop staring at my eyes |
|
By:
News: An Amazon tribe has been discovered that has had no contact with the outside world.
Will somebody ask them when my f*cking parcel is being delivered. |
|
By:
The Pope was in Liverpool last week curing the sick and healing the masses and all those Pope type things he does.
Anyway, little scouse Johnny comes up to him and says, "Please Mr Pope, can you help me with my hearing?" The pope then placed his hands over the lads ears and blessed him. "Well that's all well and good, "said Johnny. "but my hearings not till next Thursday. |
|
By:
90% of women don't like men in pink shirts. Ironically, 90% of men in pink shirts don't like women
|
|
By:
My wife shaved her lady bits today.
It's nice to see her knees again. |
|
By:
Lion....
|
|
By:
F*cking clocks go back this week. Just what I need, another hour in bed with that fat ****.
|