Do strippers in the Southern hemisphere spin around poles in the opposite direction that strippers in the Northern hemisphere do?

wht was the name of the austrian driver who had bad accident niki something ?

niki larder maybe? that well known Scottish driver.

Got his name from eating deep fried mars bars apparently

Niki LoudArse  ?

Scottish through and through, also known for eating a lot of beans

The grim reaper approaches Paddy and says "I'm death"

Paddy says "I'll talk louder then"

My wife came into the room with the most obscene looking, sexually unattractive thing I have ever seen in her hand and suggestively said. "I'm going to stick this up here"
I said. "There's no way a picture of your mother is going on that wall."

My g@y neighbour empathetically  only gives loans to those suffering from issues of sexuality.

He's a tender bender gender lender.

S0d's law:
Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong.

Moore's law:
The complexity of integrated circuits doubles every 24 months.

Campbell's law:
The more any quantitative social indicator is used for social decision making, the more subject it will be to corruption pressures and the more apt it will be to distort and corrupt the social processes it is intended to monitor.

Cole's law:
A salad dish of shredded raw cabbage, carrots, and other vegetables mixed with mayonnaise.

Suicide Bombers; first you see one on the street, then they’re everywhere.

I was sitting in a cubicle at the motorway service loos minding my own business when there was a tapping sound from next door.
"Have you any spare loo paper?" came a plaintive request.
I looked at my roll and noted there were, worryingly, only two sheets left.
"Sorry, mate," I said. "Only got two sheets myself."
"You don't happen to have a newspaper," he asked.
"Fraid not," I replied.

There was a long pause.

"Can you change a tenner for two fivers?"

Wife made me coffee and winked at me when she handed me the cup.
I have never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.

I think most politicians are so selfish that the only time they think of anybody but themselves is when they m@sturbate.

"Dad. Are we pyromaniacs?"
"Yes, we arson."

I've designed a plane made entirely from rubber, so that when it crashes, it bounces.
It's a Boing 747.

Me and the missus broke up recently and decided to split the house.

I got the outside..

Last night I asked my girl if she wanted to make love with the light on ? No thanks,she replied,I would prefer it if you closed the car door !

Trampoline:

Lube for hobos.

I ordered a chicken and an egg off of Amazon.
I’ll let you know.

After a couple of leftie do gooders were recently killed whilst travelling in Afghanistan,
I decided to there myself on an organised trip to see if it was as bad as they made out, religious whackos, poor transport etc !

The trip didnt get off to the best of starts when the train broke down a few miles South of the station.
We were stranded somewhere in a rather scary hell hole where no one obvious seemed to speak English.
The train and surrounding streets were full of Muslims, angry bearded chaps and the local women were covered from head to toe in burqas.

I thought we were in deep **** and convinced this wasn't going to end well.
Just then Jim our group leader appeared and ushered us off the train and around the corner
from Hounslow train station to a bus terminal where we caught the bus in safety to Heathrow!

Think I've finally found "the one."
It's right beside the two on my keyboard.