Women are the only creatures to defy the laws of gravity.

The heavier they are, the easier they are to pick up.

Me to Ryanair cabinet attendant on decompressed flight FR7312 from Dublin

"THERE'S NO OXYGEN IN THE OXYGEN MASK!!!!"

Cabin Attendant: "it's coin operated"

Brilliant Bigmo....

Paddy phoned the hairdresser and said, "I would like to book a haircut but I need to know if your salon is upstairs or downstairs". The hairdresser said, "why do you need to know that?" Paddy replied "Murphy told me if you get your hair cut down below it makes your kn0b look bigger"

My Gran broke her leg in 3 places today.

Landing, stairs and hallway.

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said,"Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger,"What would you like to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know", said the stranger, "How about nuclear power?"

"OK". She said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first.... A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff. Yet, when you look at their droppings, a deer's poop is like little pellets, while a cow produces a flat patty, and a horse's looks more like clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

The stranger thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh*t?"

Security.

Because you weren't quite a big enough **** to be a copper.

A cat died and went to Heaven.
God met the animal at the Pearly Gates and said “You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking”
The cat thought for a moment and then said, “All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard, wooden floors… I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on”

God said “Say no more” Instantly, the cat had a HUGE fluffy pillow.

A few days later, 12 mice were simultaneously killed in an accident and they all went up to Heaven together

God met the mice at the Gates of Heaven, with the exact same offer that He made to the cat.
The mice said “Well, we have had to run all of our lives… from cats, dogs, and even from people with brooms. If we could just have some little roller-skates, we would never have to run again”

God answered “It is done” All the mice had beautiful little roller-skates

About a week later, God decided to check on the cat…
He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow.

God gently awakened the cat and asked, “Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?”

The cat replied, “Oh, everything is just WONDERFUL… I’ve never been so happy in my life! My pillow is always fluffy and those little “Meals-on-Wheels” that You have been sending over are delicious!!

A murderer, sitting in the electric chair, was about to be executed.

"Have you any last requests? asked the chaplain.

"Yes" replied "Will you hold my hand?"

A Welshman is on his driving test.
The examiner says, "Can you make a u-turn?"
“Make it turn,” asks the Welshman, “I can make its eyes water.”

A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window.

The bee said, 'What seems to be the problem?'

'I'm out of gas,' the man replied.

The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out.

'Try it now,' said one bee.

The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. 'Wow!' the man exclaimed, 'what did you put in my gas tank'? ..................BP

If I was a Plastic Surgeon I would 100% put a squeaky toy in each bre@st transplant

A husband and wife were building up to making love. Suddenly the dog interrupted them and ate their condom. Horrified, the husband called the local vet for advice.

"I'm sorry to bother you so late," said the man, "but our dog has just eaten a condom. Can you help please?".
The vet replies, "Well this is unusual. I think I better come out to see you. Meanwhile, keep the dog still, and make sure it doesn't wag it's tail."

The grateful husband gives the vet their address and they end the call.

A few minutes later, the vet's telephone rings again.

"Hi there, it's the chap from earlier with the dog who swallowed our condom. I'm pleased to say it's a false alarm. We've found another one in the drawer."

Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another petrol station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress £5000. Tux rental-£100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is £8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original colour. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

I’m not very good at self-deprecation.

I remember when I took my son to the pub for the first time
I bought him a pint of bitter, he didn't like it so I drank it, I bought him a pint of lager, same thing,cider same thing, alcopops, same thing.
I bought him the full selection of spirits,he didn't like any of them so I had to finish them off, so we finally went home.
How the f*ck I got that pushchair home I'll never know.

The fairy god mother says to Cinderella "don't forget cinders if you are not home by the final stroke of the bell at midnight your dress will become rags, and your p*ssy will turn into a pumpkin".
Cinders is dancing at the ball and meets a handsome young man ..she tells him her name and asks him his.

He says "peter peter pumpkin eater what time do you have to be home pretty lady?"
She replies "dunno 3ish maybe 4 o'clock in the morning "

I'm trying to sell all my old dogging equipment on eBay.

Not had any bids but there's loads of people watching...

A bloke goes to an optician carrying a violin case. The optician sits him down at his desk and asks " before I test your eyes do you have anything concerning you ? ". The bloke puts the violin case on the table and snaps it open and inside there is a **** the length of the case and nearly as wide.
The optician jumps up and screams " You dirty b@stard ,get out of my f*cking office and take that with you " the bloke casually says " I did that " . The optician says " you did that ?, its a f*cking doctor you want not an optician, now f*ck off out" . The bloke says " you don't understand... every time I do one of them , my eyes water"

Really old- Billy Connolly, I think

A gay man sits next to a Scouser in a bar,the gay guy takes a shine to him,
tries his luck and asks him if he wants a ****.
The Scouser knocks him spark out!
The barman says "what did he say?"
The Scouser says "f.ck knows......something about a job."