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Got any jokes?
Got any jokes?
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Replies: 14,654
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Last night my date said, "So how come you haven't already been snapped up?"
I replied, "I've been married before, but it didn't work out. She said I was far too inattentive." "Oh, that's so sad! Did you have any kids?" "Probably." |
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A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved three-year-old grandson.
It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle, and fruit, cereal, and pop in the other aisles. Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, William, we won't be long, easy, boy." Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, "It's okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy." At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Granddad says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William." Impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa." "Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William. The little jerk's name is Kevin." |
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My doctor told me to take up an activity that gets me out the pub.
So I've started smoking. |
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One of my mates found a lump and then had one of testicles removed .
That's how serious he is about mashed potato. |
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The flat earth movement have a proud announcement to make: We now have followers all around the globe
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Don't spend your money on Actimel, Senocot, Ex-Lax or other expensive digestive system remedies.Just buy a bottle of Tesco's Economy Vodka for only £4.99.I did and it's cleared me out good and proper.Tesco's Economy Bed Sheets are also a bargain for just £2.99.
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My gran had her bag snatched while she walked down the high street yesterday, there was p*ss everywhere!
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I was going to put a joke on here about carpentry.
But i didn't think it wood work........ |
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My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child. Well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night.
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Sports presenter on Pakistani TV .
"If you do not wish to know next week’s Cricket results, look away now". |
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A few beauties there bigmo
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Sports presenter....
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save the crackers for christmas scissors ffs
that did make me laugh |
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My wife just told me sex is even better when on holiday. not the kind of postcard I was expecting
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To the women who say "Men are only interested in one thing"
Have you ever considered being more interesting? |
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I Just vaped so hard they elected a new pope.
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Judge - Do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so help you God?
Me - No. Judge - (covers microphone and whispers) What do I do now? |
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Fourteen year old Billy gets up at 3 a.m. to go to the toilet. He walks past his parent's bedroom and, because the door is ajar, sees his Dad doing his Mum doggy-style.
His Dad spots him, gives him a grin and a wink and carries on rogering Mum. A couple of nights later Dad gets up in the night and walks past Grannie's door, which is open. He gets the shock of his life to see Billy banging Grannie! 'WTF, Billy'! he screams. Billy replies, 'Not so f'kin' funny when it's your Mum is it?' |
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A bloke knocked on my door this morning and said, "Could you spare 5 minutes to do an opinion poll?"
I replied, "Sorry mate, my opinion isn't in at the moment, she's at work." |
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Me and my flat chested wife went to see a marriage counsellor today.
The counsellor asked us; "What seems to be the problem?" "Well," I said, "Dolly Parton here thinks I'm too sarcastic. |
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I have a pal who is 6 ft11, and his wife is only 3 ft 6.
A decade married, and he's still nuts over her. |
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The managing director of Dulux paints has died of hypothermia while trecking across the Antartic. Paramedics say he could have done with another coat.
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A man in Alberta wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough..there's an ad for "Alberta Bear Removers."
He calls the number and the man says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, 12-gauge shotgun, and a mean heavily scarred old pit bull. "What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks. "I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and I’ll knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off the roof, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van." He then hands the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner. "If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog." |
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I was asked if I knew the difference between Sunni and Shi’a ?
I do not know which is which but they definitely sang ‘I got you babe’ ! |
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I was trying to explain reincarnation to the wife yesterday .
I said "some people especially in eastern cultures, believe that when you die you come back to earth as another kind of animal ". She replied "so I could say, come back as a pig ?" I said "No, you're not listening again are you?" |
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A Sir Les Patterson Joke....
A guy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for company. There's plenty of food and water, and the weather is beautiful, so he's doing alright, but after a few months he gets lonely. The pig starts to look more and more attractive, soft, pink flesh, round buttocks. But every time this poor guy makes an advance towards the pig, the Doberman snarls at him and once almost bit his leg. Very frustrating. One day the guy sees a speck on the horizon, so he swims out there and it turns out to be a dinghy, cast adrift, and in the bottom of the boat is a beautiful woman, unconscious. He drags her to shore and brings her into his hut and slowly nurses her back health. Finally she is well enough to walk and she says to him "Thank you, thank you for saving my life. I don't know how I can ever repay you. I'll do anything for you, anything, just name it." The guy thinks for a minute and says, "Would you mind taking my dog for a walk?" |
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Seagulls are truly the Chavs of the air.
They breed uncontrollably, steal anything they can get a hold of, mess up your car when you leave it parked, skwawk aggressively at you while you're just going about your business, and for some ridiculous reason you can get into a lot of trouble if you shoot a few in the street. |
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Anyone who says, "Love is more important than money" has clearly never tried paying off a loan shark with a cuddle...
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I'm disgusted by people who poach rare animals.
They taste much better grilled. |
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How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
12 One to screw it in, one to excoriate men for creating the need for illumination, one to blame men for inventing such a faulty means of illumination, one to suggest the whole "screwing" bit to be too "rape-like", one to deconstruct the lightbulb itself as being phallic, one to blame men for not changing the bulb, one to blame men for trying to change the bulb instead of letting a woman do it, one to blame men for creating a society that discourages women from changing light bulbs, one to blame men for creating a society where women change too many light bulbs, one to advocate that lightbulb changers should have wage parity with electricians, one to alert the media that women are now "out-lightbulbing" men, and one to just sit there taking pictures for her blog for photo-evidence that men are unnecessary. |
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DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM
PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER ASTRONOMER: When you rearrange the letters: MOON STARER DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT THE EYES: When you rearrange the letters: THEY SEE GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE THE MORSE CODE: When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY ELECTION RESULTS: When you rearrange the letters: LIES - LET'S RECOUNT SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters: I'M A DOT IN PLACE THE EARTHQUAKES: When you rearrange the letters: THAT **** SHAKE ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER |
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Sent from my PADDY'S LAST WILL -
Paddy was on his deathbed and knew the end was near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons are with him at his home in Belfast. He asks for 2 independent witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes. When all is ready he begins to speak: "My son Seamus, I want you to take the houses in Cultra." "My daughter Geraldine, you take the apartments over in Malone Road." "My son Patrick Junior, I want you to take the offices in the City centre." "Bridget, my dear wife, please take all the residential properties on the Upper Lisburn Road ." The nurse and witnesses are blown away. They did not realize the extent of Paddy's wealth. As he slips away, the nurse says to his wife, " Mrs O'Shaughnessy, my deepest condolences. Your husband must have been such a hard-working and wonderful man to have accumulated all this property".. "Property?”, his wife replies. “The f*cker had a window cleaning round." |
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A Caithness woman lost her husband almost four years ago and still hadn't gotten out of her mourning stage. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the dating world.
Finally, she surrendered. With some courage, she told her family members that she will go out again. That said, she didn't really know anyone suitable. Her daughter immediately replied: "Mum! I have someone for you to meet." Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another, and, after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Inverness . Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude except for a black bra and a pair of black lacy panties, and he in his birthday suit. Looking at her he asked: "Why e black underwear?" She replied: "Ma breasts ye can fondle, ma body is yers to explore, but doon ere am still in mourning. He knew he wasn't getting lucky that night. The following night the same scenario. She was standing there with the black panties on, and he was in his birthday suit ... except that he was wearing a black condom. She looked at him and asked: "What's we is ... a black condom?" "Well." He said, "I wanted to offer my deepest condolences." |
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The Labour Party.
For the many, not the Jew. |
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Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, "Surely I can't look that old!" Well, you are gonna love this one.
I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist when I noticed his diploma hanging on the wall. It bore his full name and I suddenly remembered a tall, handsome dark-haired boy with the same name. He had been in my high school class some 40-odd years before and I wondered if he could be the same guy I had a secret crush on way back then?? When I got into the treatment room I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was much too old to have been my secret crush... or was he??? After he examined my teeth I asked if he had attended MorganParkHigh School. "Yes, I did. I'm a Mustang!" He said, gleaming with pride. "When did you graduate?" I asked. "1959. Why do you ask?" He answered. "Well, you were in my class!" I exclaimed. Then that ugly, old wrinkled son of a b1tch asked, "What did you teach? |
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When we moved to Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch in Wales, I thought I'd take my son along to give the local football team some support.
That was until some tw@t started shouting.. "Give us an L ..." |
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This was simply too much of a time saver not to share it with you:
1. Put both lids of the toilet up. And add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl. 2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom. 3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid. 4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this. 5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'power-wash' and rinse.' 6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door 7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid. 8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off. 9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean. Sincerely, The Dog |
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Window cleaning round
Superb bigmo! |
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Thanks but credit to FIGJAM.
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"Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a supermarket"
"How long have you felt like this?" "Ever since I was Lidl" |