I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

- W. C. Fields

Me and the wife went to a new restaurant
that serves the meat of exotic animals and birds .
we both ordered pelican it was absolutely fantastic.....but the bill was enormous.

With the rise of self-driving vehicles, it's only a matter of time before we get a country song where a guy's truck leaves him too.

I asked my wife to dress up as my favourite Star Wars character for some sexy birthday fun,

I walked into the bedroom that night and I was shocked,

"Love, Jabba the Hut is not my favourite Star Wars character" I exclaimed,

"F*ck off" She shouted "I haven't got dressed yet"

I taught my dog to play the trumpet on the underground.
He went from Barking to Tooting in 10 minutes.

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

- Winston Churchill

If at first you don't succeed.................



skydiving is not for you!

My fondest childhood memory is thinking that £20 was a lot of money.

If you need to break up with somebody, the best place to do so is McDonalds. There are no plates or glasses to be broken over your head, no sharp knives or spiky forks, plus you can always hide behind a fat kid.

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

- Billy Crystal

Woman goes

  to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.
The Doctor asks, "What's the problem?”

The woman says, "Doctor, I don't know what to do.

Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason.It scares me.”

The Doctor says, "I have a cure for that.  When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. 

Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down.”

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor, looking fresh and reborn.

The woman says, "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! 

Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water.  I swished and swished, and he calmed right down!  How does a glass of water do that?”

The Doctor says, "The water itself does nothing.

It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick."

People wonder why the early species of ancient humans, **** erectus, went extinct. Surely the clue is in the name.

My mother-in-law accidentally ate the 'special brownies' I bought for my upcoming party.

"OMG she's so stoned!" my wife said to me.

"I know, I've never seen her this high without a broom underneath her."

You know when I was growing up I thought modern medicine would have cured everything.
I still can’t believe it’s nearly 1993 and they haven’t found a cure for alzheimer’s.

Do any of you have your own private joke which not many other people enjoy?


i.e.
Pub singers and or bands....  If they're particularly bad or boring, I go up to them and say:

"Do you know Mull of Kyntyre?"

If they say "Yes", then I roll on with.....

"Yea, you look like the sort of c*nt{s} who would".

I'm not sure why I think it's so funny, probably the alcohol

Policeman came round yesterday said
"I've had reports that your dog's been chasing a man on a bike "..
.
I said"b0ll0cks my dog doesn't have a bike"

An old fav. May have posted before.

Did ya hear about the cannibal who was late for dinner?

He was given the cold shoulder

*WE ALL GET OLD IN THE END....*

I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People get out of the way much faster now.

Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers..

I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.

I decided to stop calling the bathroom the 'John' and renamed it the 'Jim'. I feel so much better saying "I went to the Jim this morning".

Old age is coming at a really bad time. When I was a child I thought “Nap Time” was a punishment. Now, as a grownup, it feels like a small vacation.

The biggest lie I tell myself is..."I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

I don't have gray hair; I have "wisdom highlights" I'm just very wise.

Don't ever ask me to bend down and touch my toes.  If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would have put them on my knees.

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators We haven't met yet.

Of course I talk to myself; sometimes I need expert advice.

At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.

Actually I'm not complaining because I am a Senager. (Senior teenager) I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later.
- I don’t have to go to school or work.
- I have a driver’s license and my own car.
- I get an allowance every month.
- I have my own ipad (although I can't recall where I kept it)
- I don’t have a curfew.

Life is great.

I have more friends I should send this to, but right now I can't remember their names.

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest biker in the face and says: 'I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck-naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!'

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.

The drunk leans on the table again and says: 'I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!' The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.

The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, 'I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!'

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says....................

'Grandpa;.......... Go home!

My favourite exercise at the gym is the diddly squat.