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Got any jokes?
Got any jokes?
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Replies: 14,654
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My doctor just told me i need help because i'm a compulsive liar.... then she gave me a bl0w job in her office.
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Like many people, I had no idea what to do after I left school.
But after thinking about it for a while, I decided to go home. |
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I can't see why female linesman and referees could be any worse than the idiots we have now.
I mean, if there is something women are good at, it is pointing out mistakes made by men. |
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"Heinrich sweep the square!"
"Tat tat tat tat tat tat." "WITH A BROOM, Heinrich!" |
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Will glass coffins be a success?
Remains to be seen. |
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Very happy this morning....
I finally cracked open the last door on my Diane Abbott advent calendar ! |
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LONELY HEARTS
I am a single man (30) seeking a life-partner to share my soul with.I am sensitive,caring,and have a deeply loving nature.If you wish to give me your heart,I will give you mine and know that,held within your gentle hands,it will be safe for ever..!! ( No Fat Birds!) |
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I met a fairy today who granted me one wish.
‘I want to live forever’ I said. ‘Sorry’ said the fairy ‘I’m not allowed to grant wishes like that’ ‘Fine’ I said ‘I want to die when Spurs win the Premier League then’ ‘You crafty c*nt’ said the fairy. |
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Every zoo is a petting zoo.
If you've got the balls. |
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I don't see my ex girlfriend anymore because she lied about her weight.
She died in a bungee jumping accident |
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My wife bought a catsuit the other day.
Cat looks a right **** in it. |
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A lot of Americans don't believe in evolution
To be fair, it didn't happen to them |
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If you're a Spurs fan there's no point in buying FIFA 19.....you will already have their current squad on FIFA 18
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A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time..." The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is an Airborne Ranger, the other is a Navy Seal, both serving overseas somewhere. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," |
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Apologies...
A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time..." The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is an Airborne Ranger, the other is a Navy Seal, both serving overseas somewhere. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. Hasn't affected my brothers though." |
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If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish, and my paint job is getting a little dull. But that's not the worst of it.
My headlights are out of focus, and it's especially hard to see things up close. My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently. But here's the very worst of it: Almost every time I sneeze, cough or laugh, either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires. |
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I was so offended by Boris Johnson's ignorant comments about the Burka, I decided to write him a strongly worded letter
But when I tried to post it, the letterbox screamed at me. |
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Will my continental quilt still work when we leave the EU.....
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My missus told me she'd got an invite to a fancy dress party.
"Oh, that explains the latex rubber sumo wrestler suit you're trying on" She replied "What f*cking latex rubber sumo suit? I'm naked you bstard" |
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Corduroy pillowcases are back in the news.
They’re making all the headlines. |
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sTy-M17y5-U
NUDE CRICKET MATCH |
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Thanks again, bigmo
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Thanks annie.
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Why are women so good in hockey?
Because it looks so much like vacuuming! |
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Feminists just want to be treated equally
To the pretty ones. |
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I've just read that the pollen count is exceptionally high this year. That would explain why my 14 year old son is getting through so many boxes of tissues, poor little mite.
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Irish Medical Dictionary. Please discuss.
Artery: The study of paintings. Bacteria: Back door to cafeteria. Barium: What you do when patients die. Benign: What you be, after you be eight. Caesarean Section: A neighbourhood in Rome. Catscan: Searching for Kitty. Cauterize: Made eye contact with her. Colic: A sheep dog. Coma: A punctuation mark. Dilate: To live long. Enema: Not a friend. Fester: Quicker than someone else. Fibula: A small lie. Impotent: Distinguished, well known. Labour Pain: Getting hurt at work. Medical Staff: A Doctor's cane. Morbid: A higher offer. Nitrates: Cheaper than day rates. Node: I knew it. Outpatient: A person who has fainted. Pelvis: Second cousin to Elvis. Post Operative: A letter carrier. Recovery Room: Place to do upholstery. Rectum: Nearly killed him. Secretion: Hiding something. Seizure: Roman emperor. Tablet: A small table. Terminal Illness: Getting sick at the airport. Tumour: One plus one more. Urine: Opposite of you're out!!.. |
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Why not put Brendan Rodgers in charge of Brexit?
He managed to get Celtic out of Europe in just 180 minutes. |
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I was in Morisson's this morning and there was a foreign couple in front of me. I heard the cashier ask if they would like help packing their bags, and my first impression was, "F*ck me, this Brexit is having a bigger impact than I first thought".
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How do you start a flea circus?
From scratch. |
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What do u call a policewomen who shaves her pubs?
C u n t stuble |
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Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have
Remained a virgin.' Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter) |
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I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'
Eleanor Roosevelt |
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I'm moving to Norfolk to open a bakery, I hear they're really into bread there.
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*EMAIL WARNING*
Please be aware of this latest danger. If you receive an email with an attachment that says "NUDE PHOTO OF DIANE ABBOT", do not under any circumstances open the bstard. It actually contains a nude photo of Diane Abbot |
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Why did the semen cross the road?
Because you wore the wrong socks today |
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Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen.
I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement. - Mark Twain |
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The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending;
And to have the two as close together as possible. - George Burns |
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I planted Emo grass in my lawn....
It cuts it's self. |