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Got any jokes?
Got any jokes?
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I went up to the missus this morning and said "I have a big problem"
She replied "Now look, you don't have a problem, we have a problem, remember our wedding day? for better for worse, for richer for poorer and all that, now what's this so called big problem"? I said "We've got your sister pregnant" |
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"I can't find my 'Gone In 60 Seconds' dvd. I don't understand it, it was here a minute ago."
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Have you heard about the mathematician who is frightened of negative numbers.?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them. |
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The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?” I said, “If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my girlfriend mate.”
He said, “Why? Is she a stunner?” I said, “No, she’s an optician.” |
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Some guy walked up to the counter and said, "Burger and Chips, please."
"Certainly sir." I replied. "Are you eating in or taking out?" "P*ss off you f*cking idiot." He snapped, before walking off with his food. I love working in the prison canteen. |
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I wish Denis the menace had beaten that soft **** Walter to death when he was a kid.
The **** only grew up and changed his name to Jacob Rees Mogg. |
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Tesco today posted a loss for last year of £7.9million
Waitrose today posted a loss for last year of £2.6million Sainsburys today posted a loss for last year of £5.3million Aldi today posted a profit for last year of £7.41p Bet365 have closed Aldi's account. |
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To all those women who complain about there being no decent men around:
Have you ever considered that they may be too smart to invest all their emotions into someone who watches Love Island? |
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Just found £12.86 and a hat outside the train station.
I thought some guy was going to pick them up but he seemed more interested in playing his guitar! |
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A young Novice goes to the Mother Superior and says "After eight months in this Convent, I'm really missing sex"
The Mother Superior asks "Have you tried pleasuring yourself with a candle my child"? The young Novice replies "Yes, but it's too boring, the same old thing, wick in and wick out" |
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The politically-correct brigade can suck my Richard.
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My grandchildren were out playing water bombs with the Muslim kids next door and it was delightful to see them all having a jolly good time.The only downside was i had to keep getting up to boil the kettle.
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A man and a woman, who are both married to other people, find themselves forced to share a hotel room for a night. They feel weird at first, but they both fall asleep in their separate beds.
After a few hours of sleeping, the man wakes the woman up and asks her, "Could you grab me another blanket from the closet? I'm really cold." The woman responds, "Or we could just pretend to be married for the night?" The man replies, "That would be amazing." The woman smiles and says, "Okay. Get your own f*cking blanket!" |
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I was flicking between watching golf videos and the porn channel when my wife walked into the room and asked me to leave it on the porn channel.Quite excitedly i asked her why. She replied " well.. your not bad at golf"
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Jeremy Corbyn has just issued a statement saying the Labour party is not antisemitic and anyone that says it is should keep their big nose out.
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Alien couple come down to earth and go to a swinging party . They swap partners and go to respective bedrooms . The alien man takes his clothes off revealing a 1 inch c*ck .
The woman says " i am not impressed !! " The alien twists his right ear and his c*ck grows to 10 inches . " Now i am impressed " says the woman . The alien then twists his left ear and his c*ck grows 2 inches thick . He gives the woman the best sex she has ever had . She then meets with her husband and says " how was it for you ? " He says " sh*te .. all she kept doing was twisting my bl00dy ears " |
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This farmer was telling me about how brilliant his sheepdog was at maths, "Watch this," he said.
"Shep, what's seven plus two, " he said, and the dog barked ten times. "OK, Shep, what's fifteen plus four. " And the dog barked twenty times. "He's very good, " I replied, but he's a little over. " "Yeah, " answered the farmer, "old habits die hard, he's just rounding them up. " |
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Eye jokes.
The Cornea the better. |
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My next door neighbour knocked my door, wearing a see through negligee. Asked for a cup of sugar, winked at me and offered to make me the coffee.
I said 'fack off Dave, I've got work to go to' |
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To me !
To me ! To me ! Oh yeh .........(rip barry chuckle) |
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Endless love ....
Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles playing tennis. |
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A bloke who's high on LSD goes into a chemist.
He says "Can you help me, I think that I'm a moth"? The pharmacist replied "You need to see a psychiatrist, why come to me"? The bloke says " Because your light was on" |
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Stevie Wonder rings Tiger Woods and says "how do you fancy a round of golf"
Tiger says "I didn't think you would be able to play Stevie" Stevie explains how he had a caddy put a device in each hole that emits a constant high pitched tone and he can tune an earpiece into, which tells him the direction and distance to it. Tiger says "you have to understand Stevie I am a pro golfer, it will be too much of a mismatch" Stevie says" OK well tell you what, a million dollars says I win or are you chicken" Tiger says "OK done, when do you want to play?" Stevie says "any night this week" |
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My neighbours listen to good music
Whether they like it or not |
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Quite brilliant bigmo!!!!!!!!!!!
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Yes Quite Brilliant indeed Bigmo, having the worst run of luck ever, 1 winner in 3 days racing so far this week ,on racing holiday, but after a long couple of hours on motorways I know I'll end up smiling having looked at this page. Thanks Bigmo...
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Bigmo has been awarded an MBE, right?
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Just to add my name to the list of c/c's who appreciate Bigmo's contributions.Many thanks legend.
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Thanks everyone.
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"So, I guess you've never been with a prostitute before then" she said.
I replied.." well, no, but how can you tell?" She said.." look, don't worry about it, just take the pound coins out my ***** and we'll start again" |
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Me and the Missus made our very first sex video last night and she has suggested we should give it a title.
She far from happy when I came up with Enter the Dragon. |
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I was in Tesco and saw a guy off Crimewatch who is wanted for several rapes. I tackled him to the ground and punched him unconscious. The police arrived and arrested me.
Apparently they use actors on the show. |
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I got to work this morning and couldn't give a f*ck.
Then after just one can of Red Bull i couldn't give a flying f*ck. |
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I went for a job interview yesterday and the boss offered me £6.50 an hour but he DID say that the pay would rise to £13 after 3 months.He asked me when would i like to start?
"In three months" i said |
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1. The Jewish Elbow,
2. The Italian Grandfather 3. The Irish Blonde A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife. "You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301 . There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left.. With your elbow, hit my doorbell." Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow? ........ "What . . .. .. You're coming empty handed?" ______________________________ _________________ 2. Wise Italian Grandfather Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through the family. An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated ..38 revolver so you will always remember me." "But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?" "You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. " "Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'times up' "? _____________________________ _ _______ _____________ 3. Irish Blonde... An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland, arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!" As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching." MORAL OF THE STORY Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb, ..... but all men...are men! ______________________________ _____________ Global Facts About Sex At any given moment: FACT: 79,000,000 people are having sex - right now. FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing. FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex. FACT: 1 old person is reading forums. You hang in there, sunshine! |
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My dad said you should always be up front with everyone .
Great bloke sh*t goalkeeper! . |
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“Dad, do you think mum will ever come back?”
“Who knows son, women are fickle creatures.” “She’s been gone so long. Do you miss her?” “I do son .... but men aren’t allowed in the ladies changing rooms.” |
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The Lone Ranger and his mate Tonto were being chased by Indians when they just managed to get in to the Alamo.
Custer came out of his office and shouted to the Lone Ranger " How many Indians are there" "I don't know I wasn't counting" he replies.. ." Tonto how many Indians were there mate" ? Tonto puts his ear to the ground and says "100 kemosabe" " There's a hundred" shouts the TLR to Custer. " Are they all on horseback" replies Custer. F*ck me, thinks the TLR to himself "Tonto mate" say's the TLR... "Are they all on horseback" ? Tonto rolls his eyes but gets his ear to the ground again and say's " There's 70 on horseback and rest are on foot kemosabe" "There's 70 on horseback and the rest are on foot" Shouts the TLR to Custer... "Have they all got guns" say's Custer. Jes*s f*cking wept curses TLR under his breath, "Tonto"..."Have they all got guns pal" ? Tonto is p*ssed off by this time but once again places an ear to the ground and replies, " There's sixty with guns and the rest have bows and arrows" TLR shouts over to Custer "There's sixty with guns, the rest have bows and arrows" Custer takes a moments reflection then shouts down to TLR " He's a clever f*cker your mate ain't he" ? "F*ck off you dopey tw@t" replies The Lone Ranger.... "He's looking under the gate" |
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An Irishman and an Englishman walk into a bakery.
The Englishman steals 3 buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves. He says to the Irishman, "That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn't even see me." The Irishman replied, That's just simple thievery, I'll show how to do it the honest way and get the same results." The Irishman then proceeded to reenter the store and call out the owner and says, "Sir, I want to show you a magic trick," The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magic trick. The Irishman asked him for a bun and and proceeded to eat it. He asked two more times and after eating them the owner angrily asks, " Okay, so where's the magic trick?!" The Irishman replied, Look in this Englishman's pockets." |