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Got any jokes?
Got any jokes?
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Replies: 14,654
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I married a real trophy wife
The names of the previous winners are all tattooed on her arse |
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There's been a newsflash that a body has been found in a nearby park.
The Police described the body as a white male with a beer belly, saggy balls, wrinkly @rse and a small d1ck Seeing as though it's not me, I thought I'd check to see if all you lot are ok |
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I don't no how you get away with all these dreadful storeys Bigmo. I no you are lying coz use two old to go to school. Court you out there haven't eye. None of them are true!!!
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I went to the cinema last night, and noticed a young woman sitting all by herself. To my delight, I could see she had both hands under her skirt and was working them furiously. I moved to the next seat to her and offered my help. She welcomed my help, and so I started frantically doing the business like crazy.After a few minutes my hand got tired and withdrew it, I was surprised to see her go back to work on herself with both hands.
"Wasn"t I good enough?" I asked sheepishly. "You were great," she said, "but these crabs are still itching” |
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A man is speaking to a Rabbi: "I have a strong desire to live to eternity."
"Get married," replies the Rabbi. "It's that simple? Would that allow me to live forever?" "Not really, but the desire will disappear." |
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A comedian was hired for a corporate event at Sadiq Khan's office. His opening joke was:
"What do you call a caribou with two shorts legs and two long ones?" But before he could finish his joke, someone shouted from the back, "Oi, no jokes about moose limbs." |
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Waxers assistant and that one^
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Bought some wicked strength lager
on the label it says “Please drink responsibly.” Well, I’ve got my seat belt on.. |
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ASDA to close 120 stores.
16 checkout operators to be made redundant. |
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I saw a car with a sticker saying, "I am a vet therefore I can drive like an animal".
Suddenly I realized how many how many Gynecologists there are on the road ! |
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An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'
His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.' A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...' After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.' Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.' Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed. The wife says, 'What the hell was that?' The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides |
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bloke runs the tables in vegas and walks out on to the street with his [pockets bulging,
a hooker says do you want a hand job,bloke says how much she says $200,thats a bit steep he says,she said see them 2 Ferrari,s over there I bought them on the back of my hand jobs,the best in vegas,bloke says ok then and afterwards says cant fault you ,best hand job ive ever had bloke then says how much for a ****,5grand she said bloke says ffs ,that's a bit steep,see that row of houses over there I bought them on the back of the money I made giving ****s,best in vegas,bloke hands 5 grnd over and afterwards says cant fault you best ever bloke said how much to have full sex,dont tell me see them 2 penthouse suites at the top of the casino you bought them on the back of all your foooks, hooker said no, but IF I HAD A fanny,I WOULD HAVE DONE, |
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I popped into the 'Wonga' shop to borrow a pen.
I have to give them seventy pens back by the end of the week. |
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People say that I'm a disgrace because I totally ignore homeless people when they approach me to try and sell me something.
I don't know what the big issue is. |
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I've been to the doctor and was diagnosed with low blood pressure.
He wrote me a prescription for two sets of Ikea self-assembly wardrobes |
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Two blokes are in hospital,laid in beds waiting to go into theatre
One says to the other "What you in for"? The other replies "Endoscopy" "What's that then"? the first bloke asks. "They'll send a camera down my throat into my stomach and look for things like ulcers or even cancers, what you in for"? replies the second bloke. "Camera up my jacksy" says the first bloke. "Do you mean a Colonoscopy"? says the second bloke "Nah", says the first bloke,"The missus caught me taking pictures of the next door neighbour sunbathing nude in her back garden" |
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If steroids and other performance enhancing drugs are illegal for athletes... Then photo shop should be illegal for models
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Today I visited a centre for severely deluded criminals, or a "mosque" as it's more commonly known.
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A Scouser goes for a job at sea. The Captain asks, "Have you any experience away at sea?"
"No," the lad replies, "but I'm honest!" The Captain decides to take him on and off they sail. After three weeks at sea the lad is busy swabbing the decks when a big wave crashes over and sweeps the Scouser overboard. The 1st mate runs to the Captain, "Captain, Capitan, you know the Scouse lad we took on, the one who said he was honest? Well the c*nt just f*cked off with your mop!" |
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Paddy gets a job on a building site and day 1 a piece of scaffolding comes down and takes his ear clean off.
His mate finds the ear in the rubble and holding it up shouts "I've found your ear Paddy"!!! Paddy shouts back, " No....mine had a pencil behind it"!! |
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I was staying in a hotel last night. I phoned down to reception. “Hi, this is room 26 Can I have a wake up call , please?”
She said “Yes, You’re in your mid 30s, single , live with your mother and have achieved nothing in life !" |
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A captain was inspecting his ship when he found a woman hiding in a lifeboat. She pleaded with him not to arrest her because a sailor had sneaked her aboard.
"I met him at Southampton docks," she says. "I was feeling depressed and about to throw myself into the sea, but he offered to take me to Australia. He said that it would be a long voyage and there would be lots of stops, but as long as I stayed out of sight he would bring me food. In return, I've been giving him sex. So he's just been screwing me." "He certainly has," said the captain. "This is the Isle of Wight ferry." |
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When the doctors go on strike, I hope they don't waste their time making signs and placards as the only people who'll be able to read them are pharmacists.
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My grandfather warned people that the Titanic would sink.
No one listened, but he kept on warning them and warning them nonetheless; ..until they got sick of him and chucked him out the cinema. |
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I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it.
If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table. |
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A young ventriloquist touring Norway puts on a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.
Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands up and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Norwegian blonde women that way? What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It’s men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. It’s people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, pathetically all in the name of humor!" The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde interrupts yelling, "You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little sh1t on your lap." |
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A captain was inspecting his ship when he found a woman hiding in a lifeboat. She pleaded with him not to arrest her because a sailor had sneaked her aboard. "I met him at Southampton docks," she says. "I was feeling depressed and about to throw myself into the sea, but he offered to take me to Australia.
He said that it would be a long voyage and there would be lots of stops, but as long as I stayed out of sight he would bring me food. In return, I've been giving him sex. So he's just been screwing me." "He certainly has," said the captain. "This is the Isle of Wight ferry." |
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Ooops posted that one.
I've nothing against these feminists really, but I wish that they would channel all that enthusiasm into cooking and cleaning. |
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My wife recently sent a letter to Channel 4 asking to appear on, 'How To Look Good Naked'.
They wrote back saying she wasn't a suitable candidate, but had she considered, 'Scrapheap Challenge'. |
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Simon Cowell has fired his personal tailor because he didn't like the fit of his trousers.
He said they were too tight under the arms |
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I’m trying to organise a Hide and Seek tournament for a while, but it is not easy.
Good players are hard to find. |
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My boss said he's going to fire everyone with bad posture. I have a hunch it might be me.
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If you're ever in Africa and come face to face with a lion,
take one step sideways and then one step back. Repeating this process lets you move obliquely away from the lion and prevents you from standing in your own sh1t. |
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What's the difference between a vampire and a conservative?
A conservative can suck blood in the day as well. |
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I called the bicycle factory and asked to speak to whoever was in charge of wheels. The person who answered said they weren’t there.. I asked, “Okay, who are you?” They said, “His spokes person."
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To the person who stole my antidepressants - I hope you're happy now.
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Drew Barrymore....
Now I just need to colour him in... |
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Saw two male lions f*cking the @rse off each other ....
I thought god have they got no pride. |