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Got any jokes?
Got any jokes?
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BREAKING NEWS
Thai rescuers on their way to Downing Street to help Theresa May get out of a massive hole |
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Boris is going to be a hard act to follow. It's unlikely Theresa May will be able to find someone with that level of incompetence so quickly, Dianne Abbot is already spoken for.
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I hate the stereotype that all gamers are unhygienic and virgins.
Some of us are socially retarded too. |
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On one hand we've got the sour-faced c0w Theresa May f*cking up the country, and on the other we've got the England team being the closest to a football world cup final since 1990.
So does anyone else find it rather fitting that an anagram of "a solemn bitch of gloom" is "football's coming home"? |
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Seen a homeless tramp in town earlier
He said "have you any spare change?" "F*ck off" I said "If you've no change, then tell me a joke to cheer me up" he said "Ok" I said "Knock, knock" "Whos there" he replied "Thought you didn't have a house?" I said. |
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I'm not saying people in my area have bad teeth,
but one woman just smiled in Tesco and the barcode scanner picked it up as a set of saucepans. |
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I went to the hairdressers the other day. She asked me how I would like my hair cut and I replied, "In complete silence!"
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What do you call an Englishman holding the World Cup?
The engraver. |
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The other night I was invited out for a night with the "boys"
I told my wife that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the beers went down way too easily. Around 3am, a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my wife would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with her. (Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT !) The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in. I told her "MIDNIGHT"... she didn't seem pineappled off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one! Then she said "We need a new cuckoo clock” When I asked her why, she said "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said "oh s**t" Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and f@rted. |
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While Jim Apple was having trouble introducing himself in France,
at a hotel in Berlin, his friend Gordon Morgan was having similar problems when he arrived for breakfast |
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They've just put the bus fare up in Bradford to 100 rupees.
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I was at a restaurant last tonight and I thought I saw a family praying at the table.
It turned out they were only texting. |
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You can Spot a Jewish house at Christmas by the parking meter on the roof.
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"Are you ready to drag me upstairs and give me a right good an@l bartering?" asked my wife.
"Get up there, " I said, "but I think you mean battering don't you?" "I know what I mean, " she replied, "there are some very expensive shoes I have my eyes on. " |
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Premature ejaculation....the biggest compliment a man can pay a women......& they f*cking moan about it.
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Bus full of housewives going on a picnic crashed and there were no survivors.Each husband cried for a week,but one husband was still crying after 2 weeks.
When asked why he was still crying he replied miserably " My wife missed the f*cking bus." |
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I've started working in PC World
Or London as it used to be called. |
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A guy goes into his local bank and says to the manager, "I'd like to borrow £100,000 to open a cheese factory in Cheshire. It's gonna be great."
" Hold on a minute", says the bank manager. "There's already a company called Cheshire Cheese - you're gonna have to come up with something better than that." The guy comes back next week, and says, "Right I've got it. I want to borrow £200,000 to open a cheese factory in France. It's gonna be called Brie Cheese." "I'm afraid that one's already there too," says the bank manager. "Brie Cheese is world famous, so I can't lend you the money for that." In a last ditch attempt, the man comes back in the following week. "Right", says the man, "I've got it. I want to borrow £500,000 to open a cheese factory in Israel." "Oh, now we're talking," says the bank manager. "What are you going to call it?" The man smiles proudly and says, "Cheeses of Nazareth." |
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I was going to attend one of the 'anti-Trump' rallies earlier...
But then I remembered I have a job. |
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World Cup 3rd place play off, what a f*cking waste of time.
As meaningless as voting liberal in a general election. |
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Brilliant as usual bigmo ....
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Thanks workrider.
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After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found
traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago. Not to be outdone by the British, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times: "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British". One week later, Australia's Northern Territory Times, reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard in Tennant Creek, Northern Territory, aboriginal Bill Bunji, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely f*ck-all. Bill has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Australia had already gone wireless... |
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According to the Bible,Jesus was born in Bethlehem in Palestine, a country where names like Achmed,Mohammed,Abdul,Asif and Youssouf are commonplace.
Yet however he found friends called Matthew,Mark,Luke, John,Simon and Paul who all liked quaffing wine. |
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“If Batman, who is a regular human but with gadgets, teamed up with Superman, who has supernatural powers, and they fought against Iron Man, another regular human with gadgets, who teamed up with Thor, who has super powers, who would be the winners?”
“Your parents when you move out.” |
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big Mo
the cuckoo who tripped over the table I larfed out loud just this minute BRILLIANT all the best |
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Great moisok
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A lesbian regained consciousness in hospital. She saw a doctor, a nurse and a young man by her bed.
"You're lucky to be alive," said the doctor. "Your car crashed in a blizzard, and this young man found you unconscious. He rang for an ambulance, but it couldn't get through the snow. So he carried you all the way here in the cold, and we found you needed a blood transfusion. Fortunately, his blood group is the same as yours, so he gave some of his. Then he phoned a garage and got your car picked up, and now it's fixed. So you'll be okay, and this nurse has driven your car here, so that's ready." The lesbian said, "Thank you EVER so much." She reached up and hugged the nurse, then snarled at the young man, "Too much trouble for you to go and fetch my car, was it?" |
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David Beckham gets into a taxi... "Heathrow Airport please driver" he says. After few minutes he spots the driver giving him a few looks in the rear view mirror. Driver says "come on mate, give us a clue...
"Beckham replies "Had a great career at Man Utd, Real Madrid, played in Italy and America, and won over 100 caps for England.... "Driver says "No you thick ****, what terminal?". |
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A bloke walks into a pet shop and places a bomb on the counter and says ” you’ve got one minute to get out”, a tortoise in the back shouts ” you b@stard!”
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England the fourth best football team in the world.
Scotland the fourth best football team in the UK. |
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The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn't the hygiene.
It's that everyone walks around like they're hatching a dastardly plan. |
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I have a little Satnav, it sits there in my car.
A Satnav is a driver's friend it tells you where you are. I have a little Satnav, i've had it all my life. It's better than the normal ones, my Satnav is my wife. It gives me full instructions, especially how to drive. "It's sixty miles an hour", it says, "You're doing sixty five". It tells me when to stop and start, and when to use the brake. And tells me that it's never ever, safe to overtake. It tells me when a light is red, and when it goes to green. It seems to know instinctively, just when to intervene. It lists the vehicles just in front, and all those to the rear. And taking this into account, it specifies my gear. I'm sure no other driver, has so helpful a device. For when we leave and lock the car, it still gives its advice. It fills me up with counselling, each journey's pretty fraught. So why don't I exchange it, and get a quieter sort? Ah well, you see, it cleans the house, makes sure I'm properly fed. It washes all my shirts and things, and keeps me warm in bed! Despite all these advantages, and my tendency to scoff, I only wish that now and then, I could turn the f*cker off. |
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I tried to hire a hit man to get rid of the missus. He said "No problem, for five grand,one bullet just below her left t1t should suffice"
I replied "Bl00dy hell, I said I wanted her dead not f*cking kneecapping" |
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Simply stunning Bigmo, keep em coming...
My daily stress buster... |
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workrider.
 A bloke walks into a bar in New Zealand and orders a shandy. All the Kiwis sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see another Australian visitor. The barman says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?" The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada." The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?" The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist." The bartender says, "A tixidermist? What the hick is a tixidermist? Do you drive a tixi bro?" "No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals." The bartender grins and yells, "He's okay boys. He's one of us." |
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Sky sports bosses are apparently considering the future of Gary Neville as their main football pundit for the upcoming season as they aren't happy with his performance on itv's World Cup coverage.
They have conducted interviews in the last week with Gary's brother Phil the front runner, former Everton goalkeeper Neville Southall also in the running. They even interviewed Gary's sister Tracy. But after all they decided to stick with Gary. Sometimes it's better the Neville you know |
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I visited a cafe and ordered eggs for breakfast this morning. The woman behind the counter asked,
"How would you like your eggs cooked." "Does it affect the price?" I said. "No, not at all." she replied. "In that case I'd like them cooked with bacon, sausage and tomato please." |
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I always enjoy watching a mime artist
In appreciation I like to throw invisible money Into his collection bucket. |
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What's the difference between Rowan Atkinson and Dianne Abbott? Rowan Atkinson was a good black adder.
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