As a kid I was made to walk the plank.

We couldn’t afford a dog.

A guy squared up to me in the pub yesterday and asked me if I had given his girlfriend funny looks.

"No, that was her parents," I replied.

Fellas be careful, that new Gillette ball technology is a bit misleading.

Sent from A&E

In all Nando's restaurants, the area between the front and back doors is called the peri-perineum.

My dog swallowed the TV remote control. So now I have to pat his stomach to get BBC, rub his neck to get Sky, stroke his back to get ITV... and I’ve decided to give up watching Channel 4

Once again The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternative meanings for common words.

The winners are:

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.





8. Gargoyle, olive-flavoured mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.), emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon u , a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

The winners are:

Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.




Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

Karmageddon (n): It's like, when everybody is sending off all these Really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

Glibido (v): All talk and no action.

Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:

Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an @sshole.

If at first you don’t succeed…

Try doing it the way your Husband told you.

If dogs could text you they'd bomb up your phone with "Ya coming home? Ya coming home? Where ya at? Where ya at? Oops, I destroyed something! Ya coming home? Ya coming home? Where ya at?"

If cats could text you, they wouldn't.

Again, bigmo and others, thank you for the laughs

It is refreshing, not to say unusual, to read non politically correct jokes.

I hadn't seen your reference to me when I posted on here, terry, so I think you did

Ok I admit it,its just an excuse for sex

At our age very

more like

After doing her calculations Diane Abbott has confirmed Germany can still win the World Cup

My wife called and said" I want to find you  naked when I get home from work"

I feel awkward sat here with her mother,
but hey a sh@gs a sh@g.

My wife has just bought herself a Smart car.
It won't let her in.

I just bought myself a cheap Jack-In-The-Box to find it didn't work. No surprise there........................

Pulled this bird last night in the pub and invited her back to my place. I told her I was going to make love to her in the hallway, the kitchen, the living room and the bedroom.
She said "Wow you must be quite the athlete"......
Funny how she didn't seem quite so impressed once we got back to the caravan..

I must have an amazing butt.
Every time I walk away from someone I hear them whisper "What an arse"

"When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?”

My wife is always so angry at me for having no sense of direction So I packed up my stuff and right...

My neighbours have been making sex porn videos.......but I haven't told them yet !!!!

The only genuine person on the front bench of the Labour party is Diane Abbott. All the rest of them know what's going on but lie through their teeth.
She's the only one that genuinely has no idea what's happening!

Annoy the woman at the airport checking desk when they ask “window or isle”

by replying “window or you’ll what?”

I wonder if when Marcel Marceau fills official forms out if he always ticks the 'Prefer not to say' box.