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Got any jokes?
Got any jokes?
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Replies: 14,654
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What do you call a fat psychic?
A four-chin teller |
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Sis sent me these today (not guilty)...
*I've been to the doctor and was diagnosed with low blood pressure. He wrote me a prescription for two sets of Ikea "some assembly required" wardrobes *My mate John was having trouble dating girls so he went to the library to see if there was a book that could help him. He was disappointed when came home with a book call HOW to HUG.......it was volume 19 of Encyclopedia Britannica *My budgie escaped from his cage a few weeks ago and shagged the dog. If anyones interested i have some puppys going cheep. *My kids have been throwing Scrabble tiles at each other again. it's all fun and games until someone loses an I... *The best part of being a pathological liar is having an 11-inch kock. |
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The police are looking into the the Corbyn/Abbott affair with a view to bringing charges. They are going to charge Corbyn with having an offensive person on his weapon.
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Every member of the Scottish National Party rushed out of Parliament earlier as they heard the local Westminster chippy were having a "buy one get one free" deal on fried Mars Bars.
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I was at my mate's stag night yesterday, when him and his brother handed me a glass full of yellow, lukewarm liquid.
"Drink it" they said giggling. It was only when I smelt it that I realised the prank the bastards were trying to pull. Carlsberg. |
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If Diane Abbott was in a normal job...
Diane did u fix the lift? Well I think... Did u fix the lift? I believe.... Did you fix the lift? It’s my opinion that... Drop the van back to the yard and pick up your p45 in the morning Life in the real world |
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I was referee at a women’s football match yesterday. It was brilliant.
I booked two for muttering under their breath, one for the silent treatment and I sent one off without explanation and left her wondering what she’d done wrong. |
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Polish fans have been officially warned that if they cause any trouble during the World cup in Russia 2018 they will be deported back to the UK.
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Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
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AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers switchd to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
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My son is three years old and yesterday I took him shopping. When we got home, he had a chocolate bar in his pocket.
Now, I didn't buy it and he certainly didn't buy it, so I marched him straight back to the shopping centre and let him loose in the jewellers. |
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I’ve recently joined my local boxing club and the trainer there suggested that I tried skipping to get fitter.
After doing this for an hour, he handed me a rope and said, “Use this. You won’t look as g@y” |
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How do you make a walrus commit suicide?
Point at its chest and say ‘What’s that?’ |
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"What was that you put on my sandwiches today?". I asked the wife when i got home from work.
"Crab paste" she said. "Where did you get that from?". I asked "The chemist". She replied |
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How do you turn a fox into a cow? Marry her
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Looks like Saudi Arabia will beheading home soon
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Bungee jumping £10
Muslim's go free... (no strings attached) |
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"If anyone tried to upskirt me, I'd think they were horribly weird" - Dianne Abbott
Sometimes the fat cow hits the nail on the head. |
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"What was that you put on my sandwiches today?". I asked the wife when i got home from work.
"Crab paste" she said. "Where did you get that from?". I asked "The chemist". She replied |
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Same sex marriage?
F*cking hell I would be happy with some sex marriage! |
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And that, Mr Trump, Is how you get the Mexicans to put up a solid wall.
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I've just heard the official song for the England women's football world cup team.
Steam irons on a shirt. |
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Any T.V programme shown in Liverpool that depicts people working, carries the subtitle 'Please do not try this at home'.
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James Bond used to take Viagra.
Apparently it made him Roger Moore. |
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Some crackerjacks there bigmo!
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Thanks Injera.
 PRETEND to be a skilled pharmacist by taking half an hour to put some tablets in a f*cking bag. |
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What’s the difference between a Lesbian in a porno and a real life one?
About 8 stone |
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IF YOU’RE behind someone at a cash machine let them know you're not a threat by gently kissing their neck.
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GET instant pain relief after stubbing your toe by hopping on one leg and shouting 'F*CKING B*STARD' repeatedly.
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Poland fans have gone on a rampage in Russia....
Police have reported that 350 cars have so far been washed, polished and hoovered ! |
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During meditation, a monk asks his master…
“Master. If a man shaves his @ss, is he g@y?” His master thought for a moment and replied: “A man who cleans his house, clearly expects a visitor.” |
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Emitting a silent f@rt whilst opening a dairy lea triangle....will convince your dinner guests It's an expensive french cheese.
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Don’t try to understand women.
Women understand women and they hate each other . |
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Medical fact.
If a woman drinks two glasses of wine a day, it increases the chance of a stroke. If you let her finish the bottle, she might suck it as well. |
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Just started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I've got 30,000 signatures. |
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what do you call an alligator wearing a vest?
An investigator |
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Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime.
Teach a feminist to fish and she will accuse you of patronising her, claim she knew how to do it anyway and that even if she didn't, she could easily work it out without the help of a man. |
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I'm writing a self help book called 'Stop Overreacting.'
If no one buys it I'm going to kill myself. |
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I just started reading a book about anti gravity
i cant put it down |
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I recently wrote a book on Poltergeists.
It's flying off the shelves. |