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Got any jokes?
Got any jokes?
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Replies: 14,654
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Don't know if you've been away HH as I haven't seen you on here for while. Nice to see you back.
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hello bigmo. Likewise buddy.
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My Wife got injured during a football match yesterday.
She tried turning the world cup over. |
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England Versus Panama is live on the BBC on Sunday.
I wonder what they will be showing at the same time in Scotland and Wales, Wish You Were Here? |
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My wife walked in today and screamed, "you and all your f*ckin tools, nuts and bolts on my f*ckin table! None of your f*ckin inventions ever work anyway!"
Thats when the Slap A C*ntamatic 3000 proved her wrong. |
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I met a girl in the pub last night who said she'd show me a good time...
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 11.72 seconds. |
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What have Jeremy Clarkson and Diego Maradona got in common?
They have both spent time in Argentina on Top Gear. |
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Was looking out my bedroom window, half asleep, wondering why the sky was getting lighter in the east.
Then it dawned on me... |
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“Where do you want this big roll of bubble wrap?” I asked my boss.
“Just pop it in the corner,” he said. It took me three hours. |
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Here's a tip worth remembering.
If ever you're attacked by a bunch of Clowns, always go for the Juggler. |
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The preacher's Sunday sermon was "Forgive Your Enemies." He asked how many of the congregation have forgiven their enemies? About half held up their hands.
He told them to try to forgive them, then repeated his question. Now about 80 % held up their hands. He then repeated his question once more. All responded, except one elderly lady. "Mrs. Johnson, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" "I don't have any." "Mrs. Johnson that is very unusual. How old are you?" "Ninety five," she replied. "Mrs. Johnson, please come up to the altar and tell the congregation how a person cannot have an enemy in the world?" The little sweetheart of a lady tottered up to the altar and said into the microphone, "I outlived every one of them. |
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I haven't seen Argentina defend this badly since the Falklands in 1982.
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Ever noticed how the older a man gets, the further he had to walk to school as a boy?
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I remember when me and my wife had just started seeing each other. She walked into Asda to see me on a step ladder stacking up boxes of washing powder.
She said “You lying b@stard You told me you were a pilot in the red arrows.” I said “No I didn’t. I told you I was a member of the Aerial display team” |
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I went into this club last night and got p*ssed as a @art. I woke up next to the the fattest ugliest m1nger I had ever seen.
I obviously made it home then. |
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Tens of thousands march through London protesting Brexit:
What a great idea! If England lose to Panama, let's march in protest and demand FIFA replay the game. |
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Wimbledon will soon be upon us
My wifes a keen tennis fan, but She hates all that groaning and grunting during the womens matches I have promised her I will stop |
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I'm looking at starting up my own business, recycling discarded chewing gum.
I just need help getting it off the ground. |
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F*ck Eurovision, if I wanted to hear a bunch of foreigners singing, I'd just go to a game at Old Trafford.
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A female football pundit walks into a bar....
Please! Someone keep her there until the world cup is over. |
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I went into a women's changing room today and forced everyone to act as if they wanted me there
Like a female football pundit. |
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Well pleased with my new car apart from it wont work between 2 and 5 o'clock ' its a Ford Siesta
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“Have you been w@nking in the shower?” my wife asked.
“Erm.. Of course not babe!” I replied. “What makes you say that?” She said, “The laptop is f*cking soaked.” |
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I'm reading a horror book in Braille, something bad's about to happen, I can feel it
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The wife has just said to me "if you don't get off facebook and put that laptop away and start helping me around the house i'll scrub your face into the keyboard " I'm like yea haha you wouldn't f*cking darewertyuiol,mnbvcxzsdfghjkl, cxcfghjklkjhgfdsertyhjkmnbvcxdfghjkmnbvcxcvbhjk,m,mnbvcvgbhnjmnbvcvsdfghjtyuiortyuikjhgvcxcvbnbvcxcvbnbvcvbnertyu
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Spain completed 850 passes in thier world cup game the other night .
The only way England could equal that is if we put Harry Kane on mastermind . |
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Great to see the Polish team sing their national anthem with pride.
Everyone of them knew the words to 'God Save The Queen'. |
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I shouted to the sexy looking woman on the beach, “Hey! You’ve got a big bare behind!”
She shouted back, “No I haven’t you rude creep, I’m wearing a thong!” That’s when the bear mauled her to death. |
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MAKE your own ' Kelloggs All Bran' by simply emptying the contents of your hamster cage into a bowl and adding milk!
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After watching Iran, Morocco, Saudi Arabia, Egypt and Tunisia crash out of the World Cup, I'm beginning to think FIFA stands for Football Isn't For Arabs
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Pretend you're footballing superstar Ronaldo by peeling onions for ninety minutes and falling all over the place if the cat brushes it's tail against your leg.
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All Women are BI
It's your job to guess whether it's Sexual or Polar |
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Wimbledon
The time of year blind people think porn is being shown on daytime TV |
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How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
No-one knows. Guess who's fault that is.... |
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Bare behind
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Little known fact about Danny Wellbeck the England striker.
His father is a bomb disposal expert called Stan. |
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Figjam
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Figjam
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