It was only after I died, went to Heaven and was greeted by a dog, that I realised I wasn't dyslexic.

Just back from the doctor he told me I have hypochondria.
I can’t believe it. Not on top of everything else.

I’ve just been to the local brothel and asked for something kinky, I was shown into a room and then this woman stuffed a set of jump leads up my arse, it was good but I can't believe how much she charged me!

I’ve heard reincarnation is making a comeback.

There are 3 unwritten rules in life:

1.
2.
3.

My grandfather was on The Titanic.
And as far as I know, he still is.

The Colombians fly home tomorrow.

For another shootout.

Due to the water shortage in Ireland, Dublin Swimming Baths have announced that they are closing lanes 7 and 8.

The women's trophy for winning Wimbledon is just a plate, thats just to remind them what they should be doing instead of playing tennis.

Subject: A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport



A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, an ancient wooden device called a "slide-rule" and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney General Eric Holder said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-Gebra is a problem for us," the Attorney General said. "Al-Gebra has terrorized many young people for years. They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values. They use secret code names like 'X' and 'Y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns,' but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country."

As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, "there are 3 sides to every triangle.'" When asked to comment on the arrest, President Trump said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes."

White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President.

It is believed that another Nobel Prize will follow.

Once upon a time there were three Native American ladies.Two of them slept with their fellers on rabbit skins and the other one cuddled up with her man on a hippopotamus skin.

Around nine months later the two with the rabbit skins each gave birth to one child but the gal using a hippopotamus produced twins.

Which only goes to prove that "The squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the squaws on the other two hides".

Bigmo :

Seeing he was 2 days ago its a fair bet he still is


bigmo 04 Jul 18 14:42 Joined: 23 Jul 03 | Topic/replies: 24,058 | Blogger: bigmo's blog
My grandfather was on The Titanic.
And as far as I know, he still is.

Keep em coming Bigmo great work!!

Britain should be divided into these two categories:

1) People who watch The X Factor, watch Love Island or read The Sun.

2) People who are allowed to vote

I have my reservations about Paradise City, if the first thing you brag about is the colour of the grass.

If I had a ten pound note for every gender...

I'd have twenty quid and a sh*tload of fake money.

Since getting sacked from my job I've started a dating site for chickens.

I've stopped it though as I was struggling to make hens meet.


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My Yorkshire Mum just asked "Do you know the name of that Brazilian wazzock who keeps rolling around the floor?"

"Neymar" I answered.

"Never mind then, I'll ask someone else." she replied.

"Cougar kills mountain biker, injures friend"
You mess with these older women at your peril.

The Romanians are doing well in the World Athletics Championships.
They`ve taken the gold,silver,bronze.lead,copper,zinc and anything else they can lay their f*cking hands on

I went up to a girl in a club once and said, "Your face looks just like my @rse"
She said, "The cheek of it"
I said, "No, the actual ring piece"

Paddy,s wife is involved in a bad car crash. In the hospital she is just talking gobbledy **** . The worried doctor asks paddy is she fully compus mentus. Paddy says ",is she f*ck! Just third party fire and theft".

Paddy...

If you're camping in the summer and the attractive girl in the next tent tells you that because it's so hot she will be sleeping with her flaps open, it's not necessarily an invitation to casual sex ....... Wish me luck, I appear in court next Monday.

Diane Abbott has wished the England Football team good luck ahead of their semifinal tie against Novak Djokovic