brilliant grouping of 4 there

Dad was a civil engineer, whereas a lot of his colleagues were right ignorant *****.

I've bought some really cheap handguns and automatic rifles from America.

Their "Back to school" sales are awesome.

The wife had the cheek to call me a lazy **** today…
And I was just thinking of taking down the Christmas decorations.

Michael Mcintyre mugged.

Now he knows how I felt when I bought a ticket to see the unfunny **** live.

A Queenslander is drinking in a West Australian Pub when he gets
a call on his mobile phone and as he listens to the call he starts
grinning from ear to ear, then when he disconnects he shouts to the
barman that he wants to buy everyone in the bar a drink.

The barman starts serving the drinks and the people start to crowd
around keen to know what they are celebrating.
"Well," he announces, "My wife's just produced a typical Queensland
baby boy weighing 25 pounds".

Nobody can believe that any baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but
the Queenslander just shrugs, "That's about average in Queensland .
Like I said, my boy is a typical Queensland boy."


Congratulations showered him from all around and many exclamations
of "STREWTH" and "BL00DY HELL!" were heard. One woman even fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later the Queenslander returns to the same bar. The barman
says "You're the father of that typical Queensland baby that weighed
25 pounds at birth aren't you? Everybody's been having bets about
how big he'd be in 2 weeks, we were going to call you. So - how much
does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers: "17 pounds."
The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He weighed
25 pounds the day he was born!"

The Queensland father takes a long s-l-o-w swig from his XXXX Gold
beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans onto the bar and proudly
says, "We had him circumcised!"

big Mo - queenslander - brilliant - put a big smile on my gob - speshally as ise been to Brisbane

or Bribby as us locals call it

loads of  ........... wait for it

moisok


Camilla decided at the last minute to go with new shoes for the Royal Wedding . . .

The local blacksmith was said to have been p*ssed off at having to work late .

What does every women in the world want?

Nothing, they’re fine.

A factory that produces prosthetic limbs for obese amputees was broken into last night.

Police are looking for two heavily armed men.

Saw the strangest thing today a one armed man walking into a second hand shop!!

SKY SPORTS NEWS....

Liverpool FC are demanding the 1989 title decider V Arsenal at Anfield be replayed as Bruce Grobbelaar had a mild chest infection.

They say the pain during child birth is so great,
A woman can almost imagine what a man with man flu feels like.

What do you call a Muslim who works for House of Fraser?

Bin Laidoff

At my prostate exam earlier, the Doctor dropped my trousers and slid his finger up my @rse, and said.
“Let me know when it becomes uncomfortable.”
“Just then” I said, “when your receptionist dimmed the lights and started filming us on her phone ”

Thanks lmfao



You’d think that with as much time as women spend looking at their @rses in the mirror they would be able to reverse park
between two cars.

A doctor looks at recently deceased patient and asks, “What were his final words?”
The nurse replies, “None, Doctor his wife was with him to the very end.”

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says,
"Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!"
Exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working, too,"
Says the duck.
"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.
"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck.
"I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him
"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvellous, “says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.
"Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,
"Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job,"
Says the duck.
"Where is it?"
"At the circus,"
Says the barman.
"The circus?"
Repeats the duck.
"That's right,"
Replies the barman.
"The circus?"
The duck asks again.
With the big tent?"
"Yeah," the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.
"Of course," the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . .........
"What the **** would they want with a plasterer??!"......

There’s a tribe in Africa called the Wuntu Wuntu.

They set up equipment for rock bands.

I was at my mate's stag night yesterday, when him and his brother handed me a glass full of yellow, lukewarm liquid.

"Drink it" they said giggling. It was only when I smelt it that I realised the prank the bastards were trying to pull.

Carlsberg.