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Got any jokes?
Got any jokes?
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Replies: 14,654
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A second Liverpool flight to Kiev has been cancelled. In fairness to the captain, it's difficult to take off when your wheels are on bricks.
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Emirate Airlines say that they're going to start offering first-class passengers a suite with bedrooms, a kitchenette, and a wet-room.
You can enjoy the same luxuries from Ryanair if you cancel your flight and stay home. |
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My extra sensitive toothpaste doesn't like it when I use other toothpastes.
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My German girlfriend likes to rate our sex between 1-10.
Last night we tried anal, she kept shouting 9 That’s the best I’ve done so far. |
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I went into the bank and walked up to the lady at the desk and said, "I want to open a f*cking bank account."
"Excuse me, what did you say ?" she replied. "I said I want to open a F*CKING bank account." "I'm willing to help you," she said, "But if you keep using that kind of language I'll have to get the manager over here." "Why, because i want to open a f*cking back account ?" The lady had it and stormed off the the back to get the manager. She came back with the bank manager and he said to me, "Sir, what seems to be the problem ?" I said to him, "The problem is that I just want to open up a f*cking bank account here for £900,000." The manager replied, "Oh, and is this c*nt giving you a hard time !" |
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The toothbrush was invented in Norfolk.
Anywhere else, it would've been called a teethbrush. |
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More pain and suffering is to be inflicted on the people of Syria as it was announced today that a release of a charity single by Bono is imminent.
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BBC News "A senior NASA engineer has said the first person to set foot on Mars should be a woman."
Too right - We don't want it dusty when the men arrive! |
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Adele called her albums ‘19’, ‘21’ and ‘25’ because those numbers are significant to her.
They were the only ones which came with rice. |
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Dear women in the SimplyBe ad;
You are not curvy, you are fat. Sincerely, Men. |
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The 2016 Australian General Election was fought around the issue of immigration.
The Government said that there were around 600,000 illegal immigrants. An Aboriginal spokesman said there were more like 24 million of the bstards. |
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I went to the Gents when I was on holiday.There was a bloke standing next to me who must have weighed 30 stone.
He said to me "I haven't seen my willy for years." I said "You should diet." He said "Why, what colour is it?" |
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My mate new he was going bald when it took him longer each morning to wash his face.
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I got cut up by a taxi driver last week.
I was walking through town today and I recognised him at the back of the queue at the taxi rank. I got in the first taxi in the queue and said "How much to the station ?"£5 said the driver. "And how much for a bl0w job ?" I asked him. "That's disgusting" he said "Get out of my cab" I got in the second taxi and said "How much to the station ?".£5 said the driver. "And how much for a bl0w job ?" I asked him. "I'm not having any of that" he said "Get out of my cab" I worked my way down the line, getting thrown out of each taxi in turn, until I came to my target at the back of the queue. "How much to the station ?". £5 said the driver. "Okay" I said "Let's go" As we pulled out and overtook the other taxis I wound the window down and gave all the other drivers a thumbs up with a big grin on my face. That will teach the ****! |
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Verne Troyer is dead.
Murdered by his brother, Des. |
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Taxi
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Agreed, taxi one was good
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Taxi
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Taxi joke brilliant bigmo !
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 Thanks. |
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Instead of an open topped bus, Liverpool will now parade through the city in a horse drawn cart.
The horse has been supplied by Jurgen's brother Klippety. |
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Google say they're working on an update to the mobile version of the Chrome web browser, making it easier for people to use it one handed.
Which must mean they’re finally admitting what most people are using the Internet for. |
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A spokesman for Her Majesty’s Revenue and Customs has said that the investigator tasked with IKEA’S tax audit, will soon make a public statement about the companies affairs.....
As soon as he finds his way out. |
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A bloke in Newcastle led police on a 15-mile chase on Thursday night in a stolen street sweeper machine.
It's the only time anyone's ever completed their Community Service before they got arrested.. |
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A teacher was giving a sex education class to ten year old Muslim girls.
"Today I will explain where your babies came from." |
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FELLAS: As the World Cup is nearly upon us, please think of your wive's and girlfriends.
Make sure the telly in the kitchen is working. |
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Don't you find It's quite ironic that 'strap on' backwards spells 'no parts'
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When I want a sauna I must have the whole thing to my self.
I have selfish steam issues. |
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Good man Bigmo you never fail.. |
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Thanks workrider.
I don't know why they say Carlsberg is probably the best lager in the world? I found half a can on my wall this morning that tasted like p*ss? |
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An old man walked into a barber's shop for a shave and a haircut.
He told the barber he couldn't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks were wrinkled from age. The barber got a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and told the old man to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin. When he'd finished, the old man told the barber it was the cleanest shave he'd had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed the little ball. The barber replied, "You'd just have to bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does." |
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Knock Knock
Whose there? Grandad QUICK, STOP THE FUNERAL. |
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Apparently, halal chicken is killed in the traditional Muslim way.
How the f*ck do you strap a rucksack to a chicken? |
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Apparently, halal chicken is killed in the traditional Muslim way.
How the f*ck do you strap a rucksack to a chicken? |
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An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic.
He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's Clinic. Get your treatment for £500, if not cured, get back £1,000" Doctor "Young" who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get £1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's Clinic. Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me??" Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth" Dr Young: Aaagh!! -- "This is Petrol!" Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be £500. Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money. Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything" Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth" Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't, -- that is Petrol!" Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be £500" Dr. Young (after having lost £1,000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days. Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything!!!!" Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, "Here's your £1,000 back." (giving him a £10 Note) Dr. Young: "But this is only £10!" Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be £500" |
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"Your driving is f*cking terrible," I said to my wife.
"Oh come on!" She protested, "It's not that bad!" I just shook my head as I took a deep breath, got out of the car and swam to the surface. |
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I went on a date with a blonde woman last night.
"Do you have any kids?" she asked. "Yes," I replied, "I have one child that's under two." She said, "Listen, I might be blonde, but I know how many one is." |
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Was telling my friend how I should get a blind dog for the mother law,
Do you not mean a guide dog he replied. Nah definitely blind, if the dog sees her it will probably go for her throat. Bernard Manning |