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Got any jokes?
Got any jokes?
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Replies: 14,654
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Sad funny but sad
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My old favourite
Name a fish beginning with K and ending in K The answer is Kilmarnock That's not a fish I hear you say ! Yes it is, it's a plaice in Scotland ! |
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Everyone's entitled to my opinion.
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Paddy took 2 stuffed dogs to the Antiques Roadshow. The presenter said, "This is a very rare set, produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of the last century. Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?"
"Sticks!" Paddy replied. |
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Think I've upset the gay mafia, I woke up and found a my little pony head on my pillow.
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Old Indian Medicine Man dies aged 109.
Job gets passed on to his great grandson aged 23. The great grandson belongs to the modern world and western way and has no inclination of Indian traditions and secrets of the job. Anyway, in the Fall (that`s American for Autumn lol) the tribe approach him and ask what kind of Winter they are going to have. He obviously hadn`t a clue, so to be safe he tells them, "It`s going to be a cold Winter". When the tribe hears this, they leave and start cutting down trees. When he sees this the medicine man has a restless night worrying in case he is wrong, so he decides to phone local weather station next morning just to be safe. Weatherman: Hello, Dakota weather station here, how can I help. Young Medicine Man: Sorry to trouble you but what kind of Winter should we expect? Weatherman: It`s going to very cold Winter On hearing this he goes back to tribe and tells them it`s not going to be a cold Winter, but a very cold Winter. The tribe leave and start cutting down more trees. Next morning he decides to phone weather station just to double check. Weatherman: Hello, Dakota weather station here, how can I help. Young Medicine Man: I phoned yesterday and you told me that we were going to have a very cold Winter, Can you please confirm this? Weatherman: Not only can I confirm it, I can tell you it`s not going to very cold Winter, but a very very cold Winter. On hearing this he goes back to tribe and tells them it`s not going to be a very cold Winter but a very very cold one. The tribe leave and start cutting down even more trees. The young medicine man is a worrier and doesn`t want to look foolish, so next morning he decides to phone weather station again just to make sure. Weatherman: Hello, Dakota weather station here, how can I help. Young Medicine Man: I phoned yesterday and you told me that we were going to have a very very cold Winter, Can you please confirm this? Weatherman: Not only can I confirm it, but I can tell you it`s not going to very very cold Winter, but a severe one. Worried upon hearing this, he goes back to tribe and tells them it`s not going to be a very very cold Winter but a severe one. The tribe leave and start cutting down even more trees. Seeing this, the young medicine man decides Next morning to phone weather station again just to make certain. Weatherman: Hello, Dakota weather station here, how can I help. Young Medicine Man: I phoned yesterday and you told me that we were going to have a severe Winter, Can you please confirm this? Weatherman: Not only can I confirm it, I can tell you it`s not going to be a severe Winter, but an extremely severe Winter, in fact probably the coldest and most severe Winter since records began. Young Medicine Man: Thank you so much, ..... but how can you be so sure? Weatherman: The Indians are cutting down all the trees!! |
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..... and that`s not a copy and paste job ..... I need a Malt after that
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Have to say that following my little rant, you lot are now cooking with gas!
 . I think my work here may be done. |
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Stan is sitting at the breakfast table when his wife comes in and whacks him about the head, splattering his cornflakes he says ,watcha doing you silly tart. Wifey hands him a piece of paper with sexy Susan on it and says I found this in your trousers , Stan says you stupid mare that's a tip I was given for a horse , everything's gets smoothed over and they kiss and make up , A few days later he's sitting having his breakfast again and the wife comes in and plasters him with the frying pan , wtf was that for he crys , your fecking horse phoned you count.
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Today on Loose Women:
A group of middle-aged, multi-millionaire women with their own TV show tell us how unfair life is |
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I was driving on the motorway today when i saw a sign that read Turnoff- 1 mile ahead.
Sure enough, a mile later at the side of the road was Diane Abbott with no knickers on, lifting her skirt. |
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I was out on the beer last night & pulled this georgeous bird.
We made love several times & I went down on her. Then we fell asleep in each others arms. When i got up in the morning though, i had the shock of my life. She had put on 5 stone during the night. |
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My girlfriend is off out to buy a dominatrix outfit on Saturday.
Although she prefers to call it a wedding dress |
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Back in Biblical days after the great flood,God speaks to Noah.
He says "Noah, now that the ark is empty, I want you to make it bigger" Noah replies "Your wish is my command My Lord, what do you need"? God says "Noah, I want you to add another twenty decks to the ark and fill it with fish" Noah says "It will be done My Lord, what fish would you like"? God says "I want it full of Kois, Noah" Noah replies "Why just Kois,My Lord"? God says "Because I want a multi-storey carp ark" |
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Brilliant bigmo
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American President and the first lady on holiday in Scotland. Hotel goes on fire and they end up in Glasgow hospital for three days and get VIP treatment. Upon leaving, the hospital top brass arrive to ensure that their short stay was comfortable.
"Mr president, I hope you both found your short stay satisfactory", says the NHS manager. "Satisfactory", replies the president, "it was fantastic. Nurses were great, doctors terrific, treatment brilliant. We can't thank you enough". "I'm glad to hear that you found everything satisfactory", says manager. "There was one thing", replies president's wife. "What was that?", says embarrassed manager. "The food", replies president's wife, "Haggis for breakfast, Haggis for lunch, Haggis for tea and Haggis for supper, was a bit too much". "What do you expect", says manager, "You were in the Burns ward"!! |
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My girlfriend loves the tennis and is looking forward to Wimbledon but one thing she can't stand is all the grunting and groaning during the women's matches. I've promised her I'll stop it this year.
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Every time the wife gets home she has to get the kids to park the car for her due to her illness. She has parking sons.
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New Zealand transgender weightlifter Laurel Hubbard was disqualified from her Commonwealth Games event yesterday. Her snatch failed to impress the judges.
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The Moody Blues
A band named after a smurf on her period. |
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A man prays to god and says
"God you have existed since the begining of time ,what does a million years feel like to you?" God "a million years to me feels like a minute " The man says "and wealth and money how much would say a million pounds be worth to you? " God says "like a penny to you!" Man says " God can I have a million pounds?" God says "in a minute" |
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My Wife has bought some of that pot pourie stuff.......
Now the bathroom smells like someone’s sh*t in a lemon tree. |
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Jermain Defoe is in a nightclub when he spots a good looking bird on the dance floor.
He goes straight over to her, sticks his hand down her knickers, & asks if she fancies a sh@g. "Blimey" she says " Your a little forward, aren't you?". |
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A new chain of female gender reassignment clinics are opening all over the UK.
They are called Gashconverters. |
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Radio 4 has just been announcing that people in the U.K. will spend a record £30 billion on their pets this year.
I heard it while I was driving over to my rabbit's apartment. |
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Marriage in a nutshell. When the man does something wrong, the woman voices her objection, and things generally get resolved when the man apologizes. When the woman does something wrong, the man voices his objection, and things generally get resolved when the man apologizes for voicing his objection
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went in a pub in yorkshire last week there was 12 coffins inside i said to the landlord whats going on he said its a last of the summer wine cast reunion
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A bloke on my Ryanair flight refused to turn off his mobile before takeoff.
He was kicking off so much that he got taken off by the police and ended up doing 3 weeks in prison. Most Ryanair passengers would call that “an upgrade.” |
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Fe Fi Fo Fum....Chris Eubank's phone number.
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I recently took up meditation.
Beats sitting around doing f*ck all. |
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Bigmo Meditation... |
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What do you call a Jewish poet?
….. Rabbi Burns |
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The Queen's having to take a paycut over the next four years.
She's also thinking about how the Royal family can cut costs by getting rid of stuff that they don't use anymore ... like Australia. |
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BREAKING NEWS....
A nine year old girl has disappeared after using moisturiser that makes you look ten years younger. |
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A woman is sitting at her husband’s funeral when A man says to her, “Do you mind if I say a word?”
“No, go ahead” the woman replies. The man stands, clears his throat, says “Plethora” and sits back down. “Thank you” the woman says. “That means a lot”. |
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What`s the difference between a kangaroo and a kangaroot ?
One`s an Australian animal The other is a Geordie stuck in a lift ..... |
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Aspro btw what's up with your lads on the Spurs thread ? Have they all had humour bypasses  |
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They'll get it back after Saturday... watch this space
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Ooooooh you b1tch
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