To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

When a woman says "ready in 5 minutes" and a man says "home in 5 minutes" they mean exactly the same thing

So true!

So I went to a Christian restaurant called 'The Lord Giveth' and it also doth takeaway


So walk into the sea with a tub of houmous . A bloke asks  'What are you doing ?' I say 'Taking a dip in the sea '

In filling out an application, where it says, "In case of emergency, notify...." I answered, "a doctor."

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

Many a true word bigmo

@ Basil, good one!

Bloke goes to a gun dealer and says I want to borrow a rifle and two bullets,how much ? Dealer agrees a fee and says why ? Bloke says my best mate has been having it away with the missus and I am going to shoot her in the mouth for telling me lies and him in groin for having it away. One day later the bloke comes back and drops off the gun and one bullet. The dealer laughs and says did you have 2nd thoughts about your missus to which he replies , No, I managed to get them both with only one shot !

18 year old girl named Fanny Brown was missing from her home so the whole village went out looking for her.
at eleven o clock pm the search was about to be called off with no success.
A policeman who was heading down a country lane heard a man and a woman moving about in the bushes by the side of the lane,so he shouted out in the dark lane
"is that Fanny Brown?" and the reply was "no,its the way the light of the moon is shining on it"

I look on here everyday and am well used to sorting out the (often)good from the (sometimes) bad. I just move on when something crass is posted; but I just could NOT let that brassneck one go without posting. That is without doubt the worst, most infantile and pathetic so called "joke" ever written and I just feel that if somene doesn't point out its failings the bar is set so so low. It was excruciatingly painful to read and fails on every level. First it has to get the disclaimer in - she's 18. OK -it's obvious why that has to be done,  but having to do it immediately jolts what comedy there is - so why bother to post the thing? Secondly the classic contrived set up -  a name chosen only for the punchline that is telegraphed so far ahead of the end that only the brain dead would not have got there way before it was ever reached. The set up drives the destination which could only go in one direction with one ending. These are tests that anyone posting here would do well to apply - and if your "joke" is failing those tests - just don't bother!

Now I've set myself up for an angry reaction - Bigmo's thread is a sacred cow - I get that, but anyone can cut and paste from internet joke sites - and thats fine.  I just think that those who do, owe it to others to excercise a bit of quality control -  (oh - and also to please edit out any hideous Americanisms).  Surely constructive criticism has to be healthy - it will make this a better thread. I just wish a few more people would give it when it's due.

You can imagine what fun I am down the pub in the evening.

To be fair Moisok that is NOT my agenda (nothwithstanding what I suspect is a reply not devoid of sarcasm). A well conceived un-PC joke can be hilarious and despite being a decent bloke of a certain age I can and laugh hard at a good one. I'm not out to protect anyone's sensitivities here. So no-one is asking for a "clean up". Its all about the quality. Clever puns, even contrived puns, unpredictable punchlines - all good by me. The subject matter is of little importance. Just apply those Q checks first.
Enough of this cr*p anyway - it's off my chest - let's get back to the jokes. Cue Bigmo.

I thought it was rather funny - CLEAN UP THE JOKE SIGHT - I am just amazed this wasn't razed before. The plaice needs a clear out.

A Russian and Ole the Norwegian wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic Gold Medal. Before the final match, the Norwegian wrestling coach came to Ole and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian... He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has". Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished'. Ole nodded in acknowledgment.

As the match started, Ole and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing Ole and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the coach buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost... He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a scream, and then a cheer from the crowd and the coach raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and Ole collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the match. The crowd went crazy. The coach was astounded.

When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"

Ole answered, "Vel, I vas ready to give up ven he got me in dat hold, but at da last moment, I opened my eyes and saw dis pair of testicles right in front of my face...I had nuttin' to lose so wid my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit dose babies just as hard as I could."

So the trainer exclaimed, "That's what finished him off!"

"Vel not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get ven you bite your own nuts!"

Depression: Once I fall into it it's a real struggle for me to understand how I got there and dig myself out of it.

But usually, I stay away from the wife's side of the bed.

What's wrong with fanny brown............a shining example of a joke

Well I'm sure I can top it with a joke about Uranus

I am sure it is your colonial heritage that confuses your linguistic skills

as far as it goes, after the boston tee party, use lot were finnish

nothing personnel

ms may will be notified for your repatriation

use lot were finnish

I think you'll find after kicking your @rose we were Americans