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Got any jokes?
Got any jokes?
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Replies: 14,654
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Never treat a woman like an object.
It hates that. |
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There is no God
Stephen Hawking 2011 There is no Stephen Hawking God 2018 |
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Hope you are well workrider and enjoying the Punchestown Festival!
You probably heard this one before. Wouldn't be surprised if I posted it earlier on this thread but War and Peace is shorter!Circa 1970 Scene Independent Betting shop. Guy walks in and asks bookie how to write a line out as he was new to gambling. Bookie shows him. Guy looks up at board. Picks a 25/1 shot and writes a bet out for £100 (small fortune back then) win. Race commentary begins. His horse not mentioned. Tears up his slip and walks out. Next day. Picks out 33/1 shot and sticks another £100 on. Again not mentioned in commentary. Tears up slip and exits. Following day he reappears. Picks a 50/1 shot and bets another £100. Not mentioned again. Tears up slip and exits. Next day back again. £100 on 66/1 shot. Again not mentioned in commentary. Tears up slip and about to leave when bookie asks him how he was enjoying his new hobby. "I'm really enjoying it but my horse never gets mentioned in commentary. If it doesn't get mentioned tomorrow, I'm chucking it", he replied. That night bookie is in pub for a pint. He meets an old friend and when asked how business is doing, he tells his friend the story about the mug punter betting no hopers but admits that he is worried that after tomorrow he will lose his daily goldmine. "Don't worry mate, I can help you", says his pal. "What do you mean, how can you help", replies bookie. "I'm working for Extel now and I do the commentaries relayed to the shops. Only one meeting on tomorrow and I will be there. Phone me on this number before the off and tell me horse he bets and I'll mention it in commentary near the end regardless how far behind it is. Nobody will be any the wiser", his friend explains. "Brilliant, absolutely brilliant", says the bookie grinning from ear to ear, "Here's £50 to yourself for the favour, you have saved the day my friend". Next day. Punter enters shop. Looks at board and sticks another £100 on a 100/1 shot called Happy Chappie. Bookie phones his pal and tells him the horse the mug has bet. Race goes off. 3m Chase. Horse never mentioned as they jump 3rd last. Punter looks bitterly disappointed. Then .... "They over 3rd last. Dragon Man by a length over Mighty Hurricane, with Red Maze a close third with ten lengths to Top Cat in fourth. Approaching 2nd last and now three in line with number 10 Happy Chappie making rapid headway into fourth". Punter gets excited, turns round to bookie and shouts, "Happy Chappie is coming"! Bookie, leaning on counter smoking a fat cigar, smiles and giving him the thumbs up replies, "Nice one mate, good luck"! ..... "Over the 2nd last, Dragon Man and Mighty Hurricane neck and neck. Red Maze dropping back but Happy Chappie continues to finish fast". Bookie takes a puff of cigar, smiles and gives the excited punter another thumbs up. .... "They have jumped the last. Dragon Man and Mighty Hurricane neck and neck but Happy Chappie finishing fast on the outside to join them. 100yds to go and Happy Chappie strikes the front by a length ........ AND I'M NOT F****** KIDDING"! |
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Goodman Themightymac, thought we had lost you , been over to Cheltenham and Bath last week for a weeks racing, golfing this morning then on to Punchestown, sorry Bigmo I'm off now...
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Had to smile at that mac,loved the Hawkins joke bigmo !
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Good on you workrider. Enjoy yourself while you can. How`s Punchestown been treating you? Hope you are skinning the bookies!
Two golfers on the 16th green which runs adjacent to the main road. First golfer is lining up a putt when he notices a funeral cartage passing. He immediately stops, stands up straight and takes off his cap and stands in silence as it passes. The second golfer feels obliged to do the same and does. When the cartage passes out of sight, the second golfer says, "That was very decent of you mate taking the time to do that". "It was the least I could do", replies the first golfer, "I`ve been married to her for forty years"! Cheers treetop. |
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Good on you workrider. Enjoy yourself while you can. How`s Punchestown been treating you? Hope you are skinning the bookies!
Two golfers on the 16th green which runs adjacent to the main road. First golfer is lining up a putt when he notices a funeral cartage passing. He immediately stops, stands up straight and takes off his cap and stands in silence as it passes. The second golfer feels obliged to do the same and does. When the cartage passes out of sight, the second golfer says, "That was very decent of you mate taking the time to do that". "It was the least I could do", replies the first golfer, "I`ve been married to her for forty years"! Cheers treetop. |
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Trainer in paddock at Ascot where he is running a horse owned by Lord Rosebery. He takes a white pill out his pocket and gives it to the horse. Unknowing to the trainer, Lord Rosebery is approaching behind him and sees everything. Being a stalwart of the Jockey Club, Lord Rosebery is absolutely fuming and rightly so.
"What do you think you are doing giving my horse dope", he yells at the trainer. The startled trainer turns around. "No your Lordship, you have got it all wrong", he replies. "It`s just a peppermint, the old boy loves them". Fidgeting in his pocket, he then pulls out another two white pills. "Here you have one and I`ll have the other". Lord Rosebery shoves it in his mouth and begins to blush. "I`m very sorry. Please accept my sincere apologies". "No problem your Lordship, we all make mistakes", says the trainer. Lord Rosebery leaves for the grandstand and the trainer legs up the jockey and gives him his instructions. "Drop him in behind the leaders and approaching the 2f pole, pull him out and he`ll storm to the front ......... and don`t worry if anything passes you, it`ll either be me or Lord Rosebery"! |
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themightymac
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A man called Simon goes on "Stars in Their Eyes" and Matthew Kelly notices he's in a wheelchair.
Matthew asks, "What happened?" "I was in a car crash with my uncle. He died and I had to have my legs amputated. But they saved my uncle's legs and grafted them onto me. In six months' time I will be able to walk again" "That's amazing!" says Matthew. "Who are you going to be for us tonight then?" "Tonight Matthew, I'm going to be.......Simon and half uncle!" |
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The wife was getting dressed up for a night out with her mates, walked into the lounge and asked me to rate her.
"8 or 9 at least." I said. "Out of 10?" she smiled... "Thanks, Babe, I'm flattered." Didn't have the heart to tell her I meant pints. |
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"Primary school erects 10ft fence to stop crime wave"
It may stop it during school hours, but once they let the little bstards out at four o'clock, the vandalism, shoplifting and mugging start all over again. |
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Classic thread bigmo. Simon and half uncle
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Old man`s beloved dog dies. He decides to give it a full Christian burial. He asks his local priest if he will do the service. "Certainly not", replies the priest, "I don`t bury dogs, Try the vicar down the road". Man is going out door, then stops, turns about and says to priest, "Do you think £2,000 will cover the service by vicar"? "Come back here", shouts priest, "You didn`t tell me that the dog was a Catholic"!
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A lady walks into a bar with a greyhound under her arm and a drunk walks over and says, "That is the most ugliest pig I have ever seen in my life". The lady replies, "That's not a pig you drunken idiot, it's a greyhound" and the drunk replies, "I was talking to the greyhound".
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Riding the favourite at Cheltenham, the jockey is well ahead of the field. Suddenly he's hit on the head by a turkey and a string of sausages. He manages to keep control of his mount and pulls back into the lead, only to be struck by a box of Christmas crackers and a dozen mince pies as he goes over the last fence. With great skill he manages to steer the horse to the front of the field once more when, on the run in, he’s struck on the head by a bottle of sherry and a Christmas pudding and he only finishes second. He immediately goes to the stewards to complain that he has been seriously hampered.
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A young jockey and his stable lass girlfriend make the decision to get married. Everything is planned and the couple intend to honeymoon in Italy for a week. The marriage goes without a hitch and the couple set off on their honeymoon. While checking in at the Hotel, the receptionist behind the desk asks, "We have two suites available, would you like the bridal"? "No thanks", says the jockey, "I'll just hold her ears till she gets the hang of it"!
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What's the difference between praying in church and at the racetrack?
At the racetrack you really mean it! A horse walked up to the Tote betting window and plopped his money down. "I want to bet fifty pounds on myself to win the fifth race", said the horse. "I don't believe it!" said the astonished clerk. "You don't believe what?", said the horse, "That I can talk?" "No", replied the clerk, "You don't stand a chance of winning the fifth race. |
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UK government - Legalise cannabis and use the tax money to repair the roads.
Call it operation pothole. |
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How many pedants does it take to change a lightbulb?
The correct term is 'replace', actually. |
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Inform the world you’re single by uttering the words, “I had a jacket potato for my tea last night”.
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What is the difference between a girl in a church and a girl in a bath?
The girl in church has hope in her soul. |
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I've just spent the last 43 minutes trying to fix a broken clock.
At least I think it was 43 minutes. |
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I am holding a quiz about masturbation
It will be called "A Question of Spurt" |
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What's the difference between Anusol and Deep Heat?
I'll tell you once I've finished ****g crying. |
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I am holding a quiz about masturbation
It will be called "A Question of Spurt" Especially relevant for all the geordies on here bigmo ! As a mackem I have said that many times. |
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Sadiq Kahn.
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HELP..... Does anyone know how to cancel an eBay bid?... I made an offer for a mickey mouse outfit and now I'm 6 minutes away from owning Liverpool Football Club.
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Our mum is wonderful. She brought us all up single-handed.
She was caught shop lifting in Saudi Arabia. |
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I met this girl in a night club last night and, as she was leading me away, she said, "I have something to show you, my knickers match my socks."
She wasn't wearing any socks. Stupid b1tch. |
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To anyone suffering from Paranoia...........You are not alone.
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What has two wings and an arrow?
A Chinese telephone “Wing Wing” “Arrow” |
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My wife is leaving me because she thinks I’m gay.
You go girl!! |
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Masturbation is so much easier for kids these days.. I remember having to wait for the Littlewoods catalogue, sneakily smuggle it into the bathroom and find the lingerie section.
Nowadays, the internet makes it so much easier! |
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ooops
Masturbation is so much easier for kids these days.. I remember having to wait for the Littlewoods catalogue, sneakily smuggle it into the bathroom and find the lingerie section. Nowadays, the internet makes it so much easier! I just open up my browser and go to www.littlewoods.com |
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The E.U has said that Scotland could end up as a Third World country after Brexit.
I don't know if things will improve to that extent, but you never know. |
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Juande Ramos received a letter from Tottenham Hotspur FC, enclosed was an electric bill for £17,000. He phoned the club immediately saying "I think there's been a mistake, you have sent me a bill but I haven't worked for you for years" "Sorry Juande there's no mistake. You were the last person in the trophy room in 2008 and you left the fxxking light on"
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Has your browser got a zip on it.
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