If you are the older twin, call your twin a few times a day and say, “when I was your age” and then describe what you did 7 minutes ago.

no-won-sun

Why don't they drink tea at Anfield?

Because all the cups are in Manchester

In the police station: "I'm sorry sir, you shouldn't be beating your wife, it's so wrong. I mean, look at the weight advantage she has. "

WARMING !!!!!

Iff you get a link called "free midget porn" don'te open it?!!~*

It is a birus wich deactivate you spellcheck and garblis up you riting. I also receibed it but lukily I dont does porn so I dint opin it.
warn al'l you vriends !!!

The oldest recorded British joke dates back to the 10th Century and reveals the bawdy face of the Anglo-Saxons. What hangs at a man’s thigh and wants to poke the hole that it’s often poked before?
Answer: A key.

I came home drunk last night and my wife wasn't happy.
"How much have you had to drink?" she asked, staring at me.
"Nothing" I slurred.
"Look at me!" she shouted, "It's either me or the pub, which one is it?"
I paused for a second and said, "It's you, I can tell by the voice."

A guy walks into a pub...
Can I use the wifi please?

Barman:
Yeah sure.

What's the code?

You need to buy a drink first.

OK. I'll have half of that craft ale and some of those salted Wasabi nuts.

We've just run out of the Wasabi nuts I'm afraid. Would the retro selection of salt and vinegar do instead?

Great, yes that will do. How much is that?

Three pounds and fifty pence please sir

Great. There you go.

Need a receipt sir?

No that's great thanks.

Great.

So what's the wifi password please sir?

You need to buy a drink first. All lower case.

I love watching nature programs, you learn so much from them. For instance the duck-billed platypus is a mammal that lays eggs but it also produces milk. This must be the only animal on earth that can make its own custard!

A man in a hospital gown walks into a pub and orders 2 large double whiskies.

As the barman hands him his drinks he says

"With what I've got, I really shouldn't be drinking these"

Barman asks "Why? what have you got?"

Man replies: "20p"


*Ken Dodd*

FAIRY LIQUID USERS: Stop being tight tw@ts and buy your kid a toy spaceship.

Picture joke I saw many moons ago... tickled me.

A man sitting at a table eating his dinner with his dog sitting beside him looking up; his wife at the sink washing the dishes.

To the disgust of his wife he turns to the dog and says "go away, or I'll give you some"

Clive: Let's form a band.
Ulrika: What shall we call ourselves?
Nigel: How about naming ourselves like ABBA?
Tracey: Bad idea.

Piece of string goes into a pub and asks
For a pint of beer .
Barman says "sorry we dont serve string
You will have to leave "
The string goes out and back combs
His hair and ties a loop in himself and
Tries to get served again .
The barman says "are'nt you the same piece of string I jusy barred".
The string says "no I'm a frayed knot.

I was reminiscing with my brothers about the times our Dad would roll us down the street in car tyres.
They were Good Years.

I just told a dwarf he couldn't possibly be a jockey.

He didn't half get on his high horse.

Woman

Soz, already said

A wannabe actor is desperate to get a part in something, so he goes down to London to try his luck. After lots of auditions, he gets a part in a play about the first world war. He's only got one line. When he hears a cannon go off, he's got to say "hark I hear the cannon".

All the way back in the train, he's practicing saying it in different ways. He's thinking: "should I emphasise the 'hark' ? - no that doesn't sound right; perhaps 'cannon' - yes that should be good". So 'hark I hear the CANNON'. Mind you he worries, its obviously a cannon, so why emphasise it ? No, he thinks, I'll emphasise the 'I' - then at least people will pay attention to me and I might get another part.

He rehearses this over and over again, boring all his family to tears. Then again all the way down on the train for the opening night.

So he's all dressed up in the wings ready to go on in his shiny uniform, with the line still going through his head. Getting a bit nervous now - the moment is coming... Then its time to go on... so he goes onto stage and waits...

Round the back of the stage the special effects guys throw a banger into a dustbin...

The wannabe actor jumps and shouts: "What the **** was that ?"

They say if you pay peanuts you get monkeys.

However, if you get female monkeys, you can save half your peanuts.

I need to re-home a dog. It's a small terrier, and tends to bark a lot. If you're interested, let me know and I'll jump over next door's fence and get it for you.