According to the news, Elton John has put on so much weight recently, he is having to have his trousers specially made for him.

Time to say 'Goodbye normal jeans' then, Elton.

Dyslexics. Don’t misinterpret Wenger Out signs as an instruction

Grand work as always bigmo I have to tell you I've pinched a few of your gags over the years mate!

Cheers.


Thousands of people have gathered outside Nelson Mandela house after the death of his wife..
Delboy and Rodney have told them all to f*ck off!

I told my mate when I had a job as a window cleaner I saw his wife taking a bath.

He said, “Hogwash!”

I said “C’mon mate she doesn’t look that bad”.

Bill: Flobberdobberdobberdobber

Ben: Oh grow up will you!

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth.

The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born with just
a head, without torso, arms or legs.
But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love
and compassion.
After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink.
Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him.
Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy.
With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking
his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop!
A torso pops out!
The bar is dead silent: then bursts into a whoop of joy.

The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again.
The patrons chant "Drink More!"The bartender still shakes his head in dismay. Swoooop!
Two arms pop out.

The bar goes wild.
The father, crying, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant
"Drink More! Drink More!"
The bartender ignores the whole affair.
By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches
down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop!
Two legs pop out.
The bar is in chaos.

The father falls to his knees and says a prayer.
The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left......then to
the right.....right through the front door into the street, where a
truck runs him over and kills him instantly.

The bar falls silent.

The father moans in grief.


The bartender sighs and says, "That boy should have quit while he was a
head."

Just found out my uncle has left me a stately home in his will...I have no idea where S0d Hall is, I'm just off to Google it now!

The Mary Celeste mystery's been solved.

Dawn French and Miranda were booked as the cabaret

Someone on Facebook called me an idle b@stard.

I almost replied.

Two Muslim men were savagely beaten in a racist attack.

Police say they have forty million white English suspects.

My mum is Irish and my dad is Columbian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in customs

My wife has left me because of my terrible Arnold Schwarzenegger impression

But don't worry.......... I'll return

It was 1066 and King Harold was talking to one of his generals. He asked, "How good are these chaps with spears"

The general got one to throw the spear at a passing deer and he killed it outright.
"Very good but the deer is a big target. What about the crossbow men?"

The general ordered a crossbow man to shoot at a pigeon in the trees. Down it came dead with the crossbow bolt right in the middle.

"Yes OK but the pigeon was sat still and an easy target" "What about the longbow men?"
The general picked out one particular man and waited until they saw rabbits scuttling about. Twang! The arrow fell to the ground under the bowman. He had another go and "perdoing" the bowman had the arrow in his hand and the bow on the floor.

King Harold pulled the general to one side and whispered in his ear

"Watch that b*gger, he'll have someone's eye out before the end of the day"

Cars without ignition keys are the future.

Pfftt.. They've had them for decades in Liverpool.

If I was a ghost, I would open doors while people were masturbating.

I propose a men day...why the f*ck not?
On this day having a cold one with the boys would be compulsory... Every f*cking sport in the world has to have a special match on this day... Sandwiches must be available in bulk and having a headache on this day would be punishable to death.

Buy your Vegan friend a Venus Flytrap and show them even plants think they’re wrong.

As I sit here drinking Lambrini, watching a repeat of Jeremy Kyle on ITV2+1 at 5 in the morning, I notice something out of the corner of my eye,
It was my self respect and dignity running far, far away.

ISIS Awards Night

The 2018 best suicide bomber award goes to Mohammed.

Unfortunately Mohammed can't be with us tonight.................