My mate asked me if I'd seen any Meryl Streep films. I said, yeh, plenty.

My friend the Barn Owl told me he had just got engaged.
I said “You twit, to who?”

On another forum.

From today's Daily Mail -

Scientists have developed a male contraceptive pill
that is guaranteed 100% effective .

You don't swallow it - you put it in your shoe
and it makes you limp .

I love that new Korean vegetarian snack pot. Not Poodle.

If sex with two people is called a twosome and sex involving three
people is called a threesome now I understand why they call me handsome!

Just bought an ABBA toilet....what a loo!

A man saved his girlfriend's phone number on his mobile as “Battery Low”. Whenever she calls him in his absence, his wife takes the phone and plugs it into the charger!

I wonder how many calories women burn by jumping to conclusions.

Donald is walking out of the White House and heading toward his limo, when a
possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun. A secret service agent, new on the
job, shouts "Mickey Mouse!" This startles the would be assassin and he is captured.
Later, the secret service agent's supervisor takes him aside and asks, "What in the hell made you shout Mickey Mouse?"
Blushing, the agent replies, "I got nervous.
I meant to shout "Donald, duck!"

Two dyslexics are in a kitchen, one says to the other "Can you smell food"
The other replies, "I can't even smell my own name"

My girlfriend is getting angry because I won't stop my flamingo impression.

So I've had to put my foot down.

I've just heard that my best mate is in hospital this morning with a sports related injury.

That's what happens when you don't pay your bookie.

I said to my wife, "If you lick my b@lls I'll come."

She said, "F*ck off, you're going shopping with me, whether you like it or not."

I drove my daughter's hamster to the vets today.

I'm getting quite good at golf.

Have you been hit with a rhythm stick! You may be entitled to personal Ian Dury

I was in a long queue in Tesco. When I finally got to the till the chubby assistant said, “Sorry about the wait.”

I said, “Have you tried going on a diet?”

George Bush becomes very sick and dies. He goes to Hell where the Lucifer is waiting for him.

“I don’t know what to do,” says the Lucifer. “You’re on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, i found what to do.So I’ll tell you what I’m going to do. I’ve got three people here who weren’t quite as bad as you. I’ll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.

I’ll even let you decide who leaves.”

George Bush thought that sounded enough good so he agreed.

The Lucifer opened the first room’s door. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over, such was his destiny in Hell.

“No!” George said. “I don’t think so. I’m not a good swimmer and I don’t think I could do that all day long .”

The Lucifer led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of giant rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

“No! I’ve got this problem with my arm. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!” commented George.

The Lucifer opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton sitting naked on the chair with his arms staked over his head and he spreads his legs.Monica Lewinsky on the knees, doing what she does best.

George Bush looked at this in doubt for a while and finally said, “Yeah, I can handle this.”

The Lucifer smiled and said, “Monica, you’re free to go!”

"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Don't f*ck around, Buzz. Who the f*ck do you think it is?"
" Oh Sorry, Neil."

yeah suck on that Georgie baby