geeee  I kant even tipe bigmo proper

"I would like to see a spiritualist, " said my wife.

"I would prefer it if a spiritualist could see you, " I replied.

What's the smelliest thing in the World? A kipper's fanny.

"I'm proud of you for going to the Alcoholics Anonymous meeting last night," said my wife.

"Ah," I thought, "so that's where I f*cking was."

Tescos are selling off the latest Samsung 65" curved TVs for only £50, just because theres a fault with the volume button.

But at that price, you just can't turn it down.

2 flies on a lump of sh1t, 1 f@rts, the other 1 goes, "do you mind, I'm having my dinner"

Scientists in China have successfully cloned two macaque monkeys.

It's quite impossible to tell them apart , said one of the monkeys

My review after my computer got stuck on a website with the following message.

"Your windows (Microsoft) computer has been blocked
Windows System Alert!.
System has been infected due to unexpected error! Please contact Microsoft Support 0-800-011-9634 immediately to unblock your computer."

Well what a jolly helpful chap on the other end of the phone, he wanted to know all about me and was in no rush to fix the problem.
I wish all call centres had polite staff like this ,not only did he take interest in me personally but he was also an expert in the financial sector and took all my banking details to see if I was due a tax rebate. He then unlocked my computer like magic.

Great job Microsoft call centre, 10 -10 for customer services!

I got asked today if I was stuck on a desert island, what three records would I like to have? I said the long distance swimming record would be a good start

Apparently 98% of married men masturbate on a regular basis.

The other 2% still have sex with their wives.

Thanks workrider.



The 'F' word

When is it Acceptable?

There are only eleven times in history where the "F" word has been considered acceptable for use. They are as follows:

11. "What the **** do you mean, we are sinking?" -- Capt. EJ. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912

10. "What the **** was that?" -- Mayor Of Hiroshima , 1945

9. "Where did all those ****ing Indians come from?" -- George Custer, 1876

8. "Any ****ing idiot could understand that." -- Albert Einstein, 1916

7. "It does so ****ing look like her!" -- Pablo Picasso, 1926

6. "How the **** did you work that out?" -- Pythagoras, 126 BC

5. "You want WHAT on the ****ing ceiling?" -- Michelangelo, 1508

4. "Where the **** are we?" -- Amelia Earhart, 1937

3. "Scattered ****ing showers, my arse!" -- Noah, 4314 BC

2. "Aw c’mon Monica. Who the **** is going to find out?" -- Bill Clinton, 1998

1. "There is no ****ing way Trump will ever become president" -- Hillary Clinton 2016

Got my results back from the hospital today.

It appears that I'm fine and free to masturbate as often as I like.

Or as the doctor put it "You may have a stroke at any time...."

My missus used her tits to get out of a speeding ticket today.

When the copper tripped over them, she did a runner.

A new sign in the Bank reads:

'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through cash machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'

MALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. LOWER your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Raise window.
7. Drive off.


FEMALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Put hand brake on, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on mobile phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN .
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check make-up in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in cheque book and place receipt in back of it.
18. Re-check make-up.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on mobile phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Hand Brake.

International Women's day certainly helped make me aware of how far we have to go with issues of gender in equality and everyday sexism. I'm sure I speak on behalf of many blokes when I say that all the birds who helped organise it deserve a pat on the bottom for their efforts.

A bloke is rushed to A&E with a Morphy Richards steam iron up his backside,

"Good grief, " said the doctor, "I thought I'd seen it all, how on Earth did you manage that?"

"Well, " said the bloke, "it happened just after my wife opened her birthday present. "

After having failed his exam, a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.

Student: “Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?”

Professor: “Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!”

Student: “Great, well then I would like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you to give me an “A” for the Exam.”

Professor: “Okay, it’s a deal. So what is the question?”

Student: “What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?”

Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an “A”, as agreed.

Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question.

He immediately answers:

“Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 17 Year old lover, which is logical but not legal.

The fact that you have given your wife’s lover an “A”, although he really should have failed, is neither legal nor logical.”

Two cavemen are talking, one says, "I'm going to teach my woman to speak."

The other one says, "What harm can it do."

you never fail Bigmo.