We want to share an important update with our Betfair Community users.
Over the coming months, the Betfair Community platform will be winding down. The final active day for the platform will be December 21st. From December 22nd, users will no longer be able to access the platform.
Your discussions, insights, engagement, and, most importantly, feedback have helped shape the platform and guided innovation. Your feedback continues to be important to us, and we will continue to listen via our dedicated feedback channels, as well as through product testing and innovations.
To share your feedback and experience, visit: https://support.betfair.com/app/home
Chit Chat
There is currently 1 person viewing this thread.
These 14654 comments are related to the topic:
Got any jokes?
Got any jokes?
sort by:
Show
per page
Replies: 14,654
|
By:
Victoria Wood said when she was single she had lived with a Married man - 'we were just like a married couple - No Sex and lots of arguments'
|
|
By:
"Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother."
Laughter is the greatest music in the world and audiences come to my shows to escape the cares of life. They don't want to be embarrassed or insulted. They want to laugh and so do I - which is probably why it works. Did you know that a laugh is something that comes out of a hole in your face? Anywhere else and you're in dead trouble! I had an idyllic childhood and when my parents bought me a Punch and Judy Show and a ventriloquist's dummy, I'd perform anywhere, anytime. My parents were wonderful when I told them I wanted to be an entertainer. Television is like a great monster, eating your gags as fast as you say them. I told the Inland Revenue I didn't owe them a penny because I lived near the seaside. My Dad knew I was going to be a comedian. When I was a baby he said, 'Is this a joke?' I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it. I've done some brave things in my time. I played Nottingham Labour Club. I was the one who shouted 'Three cheers for Mrs Thatcher'. And it was during the bingo. Just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome, it started off badly but by the end I really liked it. I haven't spoken to my mother-in-law for eighteen months. I don't like to interrupt her. I've seen a topless lady ventriloquist - Nobody has ever seen her lips move! I thought it would be a good idea to go into Politics, maybe I am a little old... but you know... I'd love to be Chancellor of the Exchequer - That way I'll be united with my money! When asked if Ken believed in safe sex his answer came: 'Of course I do; I have an Iron Bar around the bed! Did you hear about the shrimp that went to the prawn's cocktail party? He pulled a mussel. RIP Ken...the Diddy men will miss you. |
|
By:
"I told the Inland Revenue I didn't owe them a penny because I lived near the seaside."
 Nice tribute, Bigmo  |
|
By:
Loved the caveman joke bigmo,Doddy was great entertainment.
|
|
By:
An East Texas couple, both real-life rednecks, had 9 children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband "fixed". The doctor asked them why, after nine children would they choose to do this.
The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in North America was Mexican and they didn't want a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish. |
|
By:
James Bond is laid off and at the job centre, there are only two jobs available, one in a call centre and the other in a fabric colouring plant.
"Huh, " said Bond, "you expect me to talk?" "No Mr Bond, " replied the interviewer, "I expect you to dye. " |
|
By:
US soldiers are flying to Afghanistan.
Lieutenant:"For every pair of enemy's ears I will pay you $100. For every bearded head I will pay you $200." The plane has landed and the soldiers head out. Few minutes later they come back with bags full of chopped of ears and bearded heads. Lieutenant: "Are you guys f*cking crazy? What the f*ck did you guys do? We just landed in London to refuel the plane!!!" |
|
By:
Well, that one is due for the chop!! The chop!!! ho ho ^^
I'll get my coat. |
|
By:
FOR ONCE AND FOR ALL MY AMERICAN FRIENDS....
It's Mum not Mom It's crisps not chips It's chips not fries It's football not soccer It's rugby not football It's school not shooting range |
|
By:
A man hates his wife"s cat so much he drives to the next town and dumps it.
When he gets home, it"s there. Next day he drives 50 miles and dumps it. When he gets home, it"s there. So the next day he drives to the other side of the country and dumps it. One hour later he rings his wife and asks, "is the cat home?" "Yes, why?" asks his wife." Put the **** on," he says, "I"m f*cking lost. |
|
By:
I looked out of my window in horror yesterday as a crowd gathered around a crashed motorcyclist.
I rushed outside yelling, "Let me through, let me through." A man at the front said, "Thank God for that, are you a Doctor?" I said, "No, that's my f*cking Pizza." |
|
By:
What do you call a Scotsman having a punch up with a Jew?
Clash Of The Tight'uns. |
|
By:
Roses are dead.
Love is fake. Weddings are basically funerals with cake. |
|
By:
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!" So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!" The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman. The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?" The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a f*cking duck!"
|
|
By:
Great stuff Bigmo
one of Doddys...The man who invented cats eyes got the idea when he saw the eyes of a cat in his headlights. If the cat had been going the other way he would have invented the pencil sharpener |
|
By:
Thanks Mick.
 My mate from Manchester is looking recommendations for a holiday abroad... ...I replied "You can't beat Sevilla this time of year!" |
|
By:
Rosé is red,
WKD is blue, I'm drunk in a Wetherspoons and it's 10:52 |
|
By:
Times are hard for people with disabilities on benefits. Mate of mine is a dwarf and he’s struggling to put food on the table.
|
|
By:
My mate from Manchester is looking recommendations for a holiday abroad...
...I replied "You can't beat Sevilla this time of year!" |
|
By:
My Grandfather had Parkinson's disease.
He could never stop interviewing people. |
|
By:
I've just been passed our local mosque, and I reckon they must have a bouncy castle in there, there's always loads of shoes outside
|
|
By:
During my check-up I asked the Doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?"
He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now." I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense." He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke." |
|
By:
|
|
By:
A call to the UK Prime Minister’s office:
“May I please talk to Theresa?” “She is asleep right now.” “If she wakes up tell her Vladimir called.” “What do you mean ‘if’?” |
|
By:
Jesus and his disciples walk into a restaurant.
Jesus asks for a table for 26. The head waiter says, “But there’s only 13 of you.” Jesus says, “Yeah, we’re all going to sit on the same side.” |
|
By:
Three contractors are bidding to refurbish the fence at 10 Downing street. One is from London, another is from Liverpool, and the third is from Aberdeen. All three go with a Downing Street official to examine the fence. The London contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.
"Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about £900. £400 for materials, £400 for my crew, and £100 profit for me." The Liverpool contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for £700. £300 for materials, £200 for my crew, and £200 profit for me." The Aberdonian doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the Downing Street official and whispers, "£2,900." The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the others! How did you come up with such a high figure?" The Aberdonian whispers back, £1000 for me, £1000 for you, and we hire the guy from London to do the job." "Done!" replies the government official. And that is what Carillion did! |
|
By:
Next door's dog sh1t in our garden again this morning. My wife said "Get a spade and throw it over their fence"
I don't see what that will prove though? Because we've still got dog sh1t in our garden and now the neighbours have got our spade |
|
By:
Hop over the fence and take a dump on their lawn.
See how they like it! |
|
By:
The founder of Ikea has died aged 91.
Flat pack coffins. Allen Key. Leftover parts. This joke requires some assembly. |
|
By:
I just saw a black guy running down the road with a Cape on.
I shouted, "Are you a Superhero?". He said, "No, I haven't paid for my haircut!". |
|
By:
I went to the zoo yesterday and saw a baguette in a cage.
The zoo keeper told me it was bread in captivity |
|
By:
My sex life hardly exists any more, so I've converted to Islam and
changed my name to Seldom Bin Laid!  |
|
By:
I bought some 'Jamie Oliver Sausages' yesterday. On the packet it
said 'Pr1ck with a fork'…. I thought, can't argue with that! |
|
By:
MAN SET FOOT ON THE MOON 1969!!
|
|
By:
A Russian tourist in New-York found himself needing to get rid of a large supply of garbage, from his recent stay at an apartment.
After a long search, he just couldn’t find any place to discard of it. So, he just went down one of the side streets to dump it there. Yet, he was stopped by a police officer, who said, “Hey you, what are you doing?” “I have to throw this away,” replied the tourist. “You can’t throw it away here. Look, follow me,” the policeman offered. The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass, pretty flowers, and manicured hedges. “Here,” said the cop, “dump all the garbage you want.” The russian shrugs, opens up the large bags of garbage, and dumps them right on the flowers. “Thanks for giving me a place to dump this stuff. This is very nice of you. Is this U.S.A courtesy?” asked the tourist. “No. This is the Russian Embassy.” |
|
By:
I say, I say, I say..
My dog's got no nose.. How does he smell... Terrible! |
|
By:
I went to the doctors,
he said..take some tablets, I said ok, it stopped the pain, but my eyesight went a bit blurry, and I got run over by a bus! ********************************************* Always take your drug-pushing doctors advice ********************************************* |
|
By:
The scariest thing to read in Braille is - DO NOT TOUCH....
|
|
By:
When cooking Alphabet Soup, don't leave it unattended, it could spell disaster.
|
|
By:
I had a row with my wife last night, she threw a bottle of fabric
conditioner at me and it only just missed my head. It must have been Lenore because it was a bit too close for Comfort. |