FIGJAM

My wife came rushing in out of the garden and said, "There's a pair of my knickers missing off the washing line."

I said, "I know, the two kids from next door have them."

She said, "The dirty little perverts."

I said, "It's nothing like that, they mentioned something about building an hammock."

I cut up this lorry at a roundabout this morning.

This fat **** winds his window down and says "Excuse me dear Sir. I thought it worth pointing out that highways etiquette dictates smaller vehicles give way to larger ones."

F*cking articulated lorry drivers!

The Mrs has left me because I'm too insecure....

No, wait she's back....

She was just making a cup of tea....

You can tell a lot about a person by the type of paper they buy.

...If a person buys the Guardian paper they’re liberal lefties.

...If a person buys the Mail paper they’re right wing reactionaries.

...If a person buys Sandpaper they’re Australian cricketers.

If you’re the one who stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will make you pay.

You have my Word.

As if it wasn't bad enough being Dyslexic, I've now developed chronic Earache.
It's a right pain in the @rse

Just chicken proofed my lawn
Its impeccable

Youtube shooter identified as "angry bodybuilding female vegan animal rights activist of Iranian descent".

....nope, nothing to work with here.

I came home from an auction today with a signed photo of Ronnie Corbett, while my mate took home a signed photo of Ronnie Barker.

It was a good buy from me and a good buy from him.

Not seen a scouser this excited over 1 leg since Paul McCartney met Heather Mills.

I have no idea how my wife died, your honour.

All I know is she was alive when I buried her.

A son asks his dad the difference between theoretically and realistically.
Dad says "That's hard, but I have an idea,
ask mum if she would sleep with Wayne Rooney for £1 million?"
Mum said yes.
Dad says now ask your sister if she would?
Sister says yes.
Dad says go and ask your brother the same question.
The brother say yes.
"Well they're you go son,that's your answer,theoretically we're sitting on £3 million quid,
but realistically we're living with 2 sl.gs and a f.cking po.f.

A policeman just pulled me over and asked, "Do you know what speed you were doing sir?"

I replied, "Yeah, the gear I bought from Leroy."

A scientist has invented a bra that stops t1ts bobbing up and down and n1pples sticking out in the cold.
His colleagues have kicked his f*cking head in!

She was a gorgeous student but hopeless at latin.
I asked her to conjugate but she declined.

I think my best mate is having an affair with my wife . He's been a right miserable bastard lately!!

After an uneventful dinner with his wife, a man realizes he's out of cigarettes and decides to stop at his local bar for a pack. The bartender says they just started selling a new micro brew and offers him one on the house, so he decides to stay for one drink.
When he's just about finished a beautiful blonde enters the bar and sits down next to him. They strike up a conversation over another round of drinks and she becomes progressively friendlier as the night goes on. One thing leads to another and she ends up inviting him back to her apartment.
Back at her place they end up sharing a kiss, which escalates and leads them back to her bedroom for several hours of carnal engagement. Next thing he knows, it's 4 in the morning. Jumping out of bed he asks the blonde if she has any baby powder, and she says to check the bathroom cabinet. He finds the baby powder, dusts his hands, and races home like a bat out of hell, only to find his wife waiting for him in the driveway with a rolling pin.
"You better have one hell of an explanation!" she screams.
"Well, you see honey," the man stammers, "I went to the pub for cigarettes, but Jake offered me a beer. As I was about to leave this beautiful blonde walked in and we got to talking and drinking and she invited me back to her place..."
"Wait a minute," snapped his wife. "Show me your hands," she said suspiciously, noticing the whiteness of his fingers.
Turning on him furiously, she says, "Don't you ever try lying to me again, you rotten bastard... you've been out BOWLING again!"

My girlfriend is a stunner!

She works in an abattoir.

bloke gets pulled for drink driving,its  busy and hes put in a cell with a 6 ft 3 inch  18 stone hells angel.after a while the hells angel says he s bored and wants to play a game and as he likes the look of him he can choose what to play,we can either play doctors and nurses or mummies and daddies he says.mummies and daddies says the bloke,do you want to be mummy or daddy says the hells angel.the bloke now realizes he could be in a bit of trouble,he thinks about it and decides on what he thinks will be the less painfull choice.i will be daddy says the bloke,good decision says the hells angel,now come over here and suck on mummies ****