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Got any jokes?
Got any jokes?
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I woke up this morning and said to the missus.
"Wow! that was fantastic last night, you weren't faking it were you"? She replied "No, I really was asleep" |
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While riding my motorbike yesterday, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.
Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?" As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for... "I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look. She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.” "That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my girlfriend will like me doing that!" "Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly." Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my girlfriend won't like this." We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my girlfriend is going to be really upset so I'd better go now." "Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of b00bs I’ve ever seen. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?" "Still in the ditch with my motorbike, I guess.". |
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An East Texas couple, both real-life rednecks, had 9 children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband "fixed". The doctor asked them why, after nine children would they choose to do this.
The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in North America was Mexican and they didn't want a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish. |
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My Chinese neighbour said he's just opened a crows shop. Speaking slowly, I said "you mean a *clothes* shop?" He says, "No, a crows shop - come in and have a rook."
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EXERCISE FOR ALL YOU EX-VETS OVER 60
1. Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. 2. With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. 3. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags. 4. Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.) 5. After you feel confident at that level, place one potato in each bag |
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Great to have you back Bigmo.
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Thanks Paddy Hair.
Dave pulls up at the traffic lights next to a stunning looking girl. He smiles at her and winds his window down. She smiles back and winds her window down. He shouts ' have you farted as well?' |
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"I take it you're from America madam."
"You condescending @rse, just because I'm a little overweight you assume I'm American?" "No madam, this is Tesco and we don't sell guns." |
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On his last tour of Ireland , the Pope was asked what he thought of County Down .
" I preferred it when Carol Vorderman was in it " , he replied . |
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Why do sumo wrestlers shave their legs?
So people don't confuse them with feminists. |
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Frank Muir's definition of the ideal woman.
A deaf and dumb nymphomaniac who lives over a pub. |
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What happened to the Beckham joke/=?..ITS A FCKING JOKE BETFAIR..WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU PEOPLE
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When the Pope toured Ireland he slipped and decided to get his shoes reheeled at a nearby shoe shop.Wanting to be multi cultural he choose the Jewish shop opposite a catholic shop.Next day the chosen shop had a sign up outside proudly proclaiming Cobblers to the Pope ! Ten minutes later the catholic shop posted another sign B***s to the Cheif Rabbi !
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Sky News: " Britain soon to ban Plastic Straws "
Typical. Americans are holding onto their AR-15s , while we give up our pea-shooters. |
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The guy from across the road was looking distraught, so I asked him what was up.
He said, “My wife’s just told me she’s been having an affair with Dave the milkman,”. I asked, “What? That fat ugly f*cker I see every morning outside your house?” “Yes,” he laughed, cheering up a bit. I said, “Why would Dave the milkman want to Sh@g that?” |
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The next time you do something you regret while p*ssed, just remember
Corbyn was sober rogering Diane Abbott |
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I just rang Alcohol Concern.
Told them I was worried I didn't have enough beer in the fridge. They're quite rude, aren't they? |
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Discover what it was like to live in medieval Britain by simply moving to Glasgow!
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American teachers will now be armed with 9mm Glocks. Librarians will be issued silencers.
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If you think your cat loves you, just remember it would probably yawn and go to sleep while watching you getting murdered with a rake.
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I just shouted to the Wife
I can't find my "Gone in 60 Seconds" DVD, have you seen it! She said," No!" I said, "Well It was here a minute ago". |
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My wife has just been charged with possessing indecent images. I warned her not to take so many selfies at the Christmas party.
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I was in the pub this afternoon,sat quietly enjoying a drink at the bar, when this big fat ugly minger came up an started chatting me up.
I asked "Excuse me, do you have a pen"? She replied "Yes, why"? I said "Well you better get back in it before the farmer realises that you've got out" |
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"Diana!" I said greeting my Mother-In-Law as she walked through the door...
She said, "My name's Anna." I said, "Yeah, I know." |
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If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, why don't Daleks hide in orchards?
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Whenever I see a respected actor in panto I always like to shout 'It's beneath you!
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Apparently Wi-Fi laptops can damage your sperm.
In my experience, not as much as sperm can damage your Wi-Fi laptop. |
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Why did the cow cross the road?
Because I was walking up the street. And apparently, I forgot our f*cking wedding anniversary. |
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Bookies are tipping Arsenal to beat Man City on Thursday. Largely because the gunners have had an extra few days rest whilst City played in a Cup Final on Sunday.
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Pinched from Arsenal on football forum
Arsenal are looking for volunteers to shovel snow around the Emirates for tonight’s match. “We are appealing for fans to help, if we can get enough snow bought in, there’s still a chance we can get this game called off.” |
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Paddy phones up doctor asking about his wife's results.
The doctor relies "Unfortunately the results are a bit confused, we're not sure if she's got Alzheimer's or AIDS." Paddy replies "What can I do?" Doctor replies" Take her out in the car and drop her off 2 miles away, if she returns don't f.ck her." |
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Blimey it's that cold outside I've just seen some Romanians with their hands in their own pockets.
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Maplin to close
bye de bye |
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Which have been the two worst winters since 1945?
Mike and Bernie. |
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My missus is going round spreading rumours that I'm schizophrenic.
Well, three can play at that game b*tch. |
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If you haven't looked in on that elderly neighbour yet..forget it!
Couple of days ago you'd have been a hero, now you'd be a suspect. |
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How much more snow needs to fall before we can start looting? Asking for a friend.
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I'm Having trouble finding out what
51, 6 and 500 are in Roman numerals!!! I'm LIVID |
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wot wood we doe wif 'aht yer Bidmo
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