I pulled my 3-year-old grandson to playschool in his sledge this morning.

After finally arriving there twenty minutes later I realised that he was no longer sitting in it.

So I quickly turned the car around and drove the same route back.

Oy Slippy credit where credit is due

A bad workman always blames his fools…

Tools, I meant tools. Stupid keyboard…

Imagine The Titanic with a lisp.

It's unthinkable.


I'm voting this one of my favourite jokes of the year.

A desert locust can eat it's own body weight in food in a single day.
The only other creature on the planet which is able to accomplish this feat is my wife.

An old one but worth reviving....

Joe wanted to buy a Harley motorcycle. He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.
The bike looks better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It's shiny and in mint condition.
He buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
'Well, it's quite simple,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome.It protects it from the rain, and he
hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents.
Naturally, they take the bike there.
Just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to
tell you something about my family.'When we eat dinner, we don't talk.
In fact, the FIRST person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'
'No problem,' he says.. And in they go.
Joe is shocked.Right in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.
In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.
He leans over and kisses Sandra.
No one says a word.
He reaches over and fondles her breasts. Nobody says a word.
So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table
and sh.gs  her, right there in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
He looks at her mom. She's got a great body too.
Joe grabs mum, bends her over the table, pulls down her panties, and sh.ags her every which way but loose
right there on the dinner table.
She has a big orgasm, & Joe sits down.
His girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, & Mom is beaming from ear to ear. But still ... . Total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.
Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.
Suddenly the father shouts.

I'll do the f.cking dishes!!

I've been training for months to achieve the world record title of 'Furthest Ejaculation'.

I can't believe how far I've come.

"I'm going out to scrape the car," my wife said this morning.
"Against what?" I replied.

True story but really funny.

Fifteen years ago I was working on a surgeons house (carpentry) with my colleague Davy who is not a people person great at what he does but no sense of humour.

Anyway we were applying the finishing touches when the surgeon arrived to pay us. Davy was on his kness applying a bit of filler along by the skirting board,touching up what had to be done. The surgeon looks at Davy and jokingly says that filler is great for covering up mistakes,quick as a flash and full of venom Davy says and so is six foot of clay,I just creased up laughing and in fairness so did the surgeon,and Davy was so angry it was so funny at the time.

Anything you do for your girlfriend that makes other women go, "awwww" will have every man in the room thinking, "What a ****."

I miss my best mate... He used to say funny things like, "F*ck wearing a helmet!"

Lily Allen mocked for tweeting she could be homeless for Christmas


Just read about multi-millionaire pop star Lily Allen becoming homeless.

Made me smile anyway.....


Knock knock
Who's there ?
Lily Allen

Just saw a dog bark loud at another dog in the park. Owner to dog "See,this is why you've got no f*cking mates, Dave".

I showed some hard **** at the pub what I was made of.

Fragile bones and lots of blood.

I designed a web site for orphans.

There's no home page.

Sammy Davis Jr. and Peter "Columbo" Falk were big friends. They always kept an eye on each other.

Forgive me bigmo for being so bold as to k treemake a suggestion,would you consider starting a fresh thread either got any more jokes or got any jokes volume 2 etc just to make it easier rather than trawling through all the pages looking at jokes,just a thought please don't take any offense,as it is the first topic I check every morning.

It's the best thread ever
"headmaster Mr Mohammed" brilliant

A couple for my fellow misogynists:-

My Mrs gave me £60 and told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy.
You should have seen her face when I came home p.ssed.

She packed my bags and as I walked out the front door she screamed
"I wish you a slow and painful death you bastard."
"Oh" I replied " So now you want me to f.cking stay."

Cheers guys the dunces corner for me