We want to share an important update with our Betfair Community users.
Over the coming months, the Betfair Community platform will be winding down. The final active day for the platform will be December 21st. From December 22nd, users will no longer be able to access the platform.
Your discussions, insights, engagement, and, most importantly, feedback have helped shape the platform and guided innovation. Your feedback continues to be important to us, and we will continue to listen via our dedicated feedback channels, as well as through product testing and innovations.
To share your feedback and experience, visit: https://support.betfair.com/app/home
Chit Chat
There is currently 1 person viewing this thread.
These 14654 comments are related to the topic:
Got any jokes?
Got any jokes?
sort by:
Show
per page
Replies: 14,654
|
By:
Samantha had a lovely skirt,
with splits right up both sides, and when she shimmied down the street, the boys could see her thighs. Samantha had another skirt, with splits right up the front, but she wasn't wearing that one today. |
|
By:
My Dad used to say "The sky's the limit".
Which is probably why he got fired from N.A.S.A. |
|
By:
When I was younger I took the entrance exam for Medical School One of the questions was to rearrange the letters PNEIS into the name of an important human body part which is best examined when erect? Those who answered spine are doctors today. The rest of us are posting jokes.
|
|
By:
I've just put all my dogging equipment up for sale on Ebay.
Haven't had any bids so far but 12 people watching. |
|
By:
I remember 2017 like it was yesterday.
|
|
By:
Pierre the French fella meets a lady at the nightclub. They get on famously.
Few drinks, a dance or two later they end up back at Pierre's place. Pierre puts on the music, lights the candles. The lady is taken in by Pierres amorous advances and his thick French accent. As things get heated Old Pierre moves in for the kiss. Breathless ,the lass is poised. 'Wait, wait' says Pierre. He dips his finger in her white wine and gently rubs it on her lips. 'Oooh, Whats your game' She cries. 'What. I am Pierre, ze french fighter plot. When I kiss the woman I kiss ze woman with white wine...' Ah. Ok she thinks Bit later, he has her top off on the sofa. As he moves seductively in he stops. 'Wait. Wait.' He dips his finger in his red wine and gently rubs it on her n*pples. She bucks. What are you doing now?!? 'Patience my Darling, I am Pierre the French fighter pilot. When I kiss ze womans bre@st I kiss ze womans bre@st with red wine! She simpers, she's warming to this now. As things progress and things get even more amorous Pierre has her trousers off. At the kinking of her hips and the body language old Pierre knows it's time. With her hand hands on the back of his head she starts to guide him when 'Wait! Wait!' By now she's getting the idea. 'Oooohhh Pierrreee.....' she growls. He grabs a bottle of brandy and pours it all over her. The lady is writhing by now in anticipation. Pierre grabs a match and PHHHOOOOM! theres flames everywhere! She screams at him! You mad bast*rd! What are you doing!? He shrugs. I am Pierre. Ze French Fighter Pilot. When I go down, I go down in flames. |
|
By:
I can't believe how many chocolates I've gotten this Christmas season !
I still have 40 more doors to open on my Diane Abbott advent calendar. |
|
By:
My New Year resolution.
1600 x 1200 |
|
By:
THE QUEEN. When about to present Nick Clegg with his Knighthood, tell him at the last minute that you've changed your mind. See how he f*cking likes it.
|
|
By:
Pierre
 |
|
By:
My wife just stopped and said "You wern't even listening were you?"
I thought "That's a pretty weird way to start a conversation" I was telling a girl in the bar about my ability to guess what day a woman was born by feeling her boobs. "Really" she said "Go go on try" After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said "Come on what day was I born?" "Yesterday" I replied Struggling to get your wife's attention? Just sit down and look comfortable. Paddy and Murphy are on a cruise ship. Murphy says"It's awfully quiet on deck tonight" Paddy says "Everyone will be watching the band" Murphy days "There isn't a band playing tonight" Paddy says "I definitely heard some f.cker say .... "A band on ship" Tip:- Eating two strips of bacon reduces your chances of being a suicide bomber by 100% |
|
By:
My wife has requested that when I'm receiving a **** she would appreciate it if I warned her when I'm about to ****...
Do you think that I should phone her, or is a text acceptable? |
|
By:
A friend of mine was a massive fan of Dusty Springfield.He collected all her memorabilia,Magazines,T-shirts,records etc.He used to keep them all on a shelf in his bedroom.When she died in 1999 he was absolutely devastated.He couldn't stand the pain so decided to get rid of everything he owned by Dusty and had a total clear out.Years have gone by and all he is left with to remind him of Dusty is the empty shelf in his bedroom and now " he just doesn't know what do with his shelf".
|
|
By:
As a big fan of The Springfields and Dusty, I have taken a fence and reported you Twizzle.
You will be consigned to the vast reaches of the ether. Along with your little friend. That'll learn 'yer. Ha.!! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cBjwh5OqH4w |
|
By:
 |
|
By:
My missus reckons she's "staying dry in January"
Fat chance with a hunk like me knocking round the house! |
|
By:
I entered what I ate over the past few day into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
|
|
By:
Trump’s childish boasts of his whatsits being bigger!
Reminds me of junior school bragging of “Who’s daddy was taller”? Comparisons eventually led to high-rise buildings Johnny….Well my daddy is as tall as the Empire State Building! Tommy….Did he feel something cold on his head? Johnny….Yes! (thinking he meant a low hanging cloud) Tommy….That was my daddy's bol**cks! …….Boom! Boom! |
|
By:
I'm taking up scuba diving on the cheap.
Instead of using a cylinder I'll be using a bag of Walker's crisps - there's enough air in it to stay submerged for 2 hours... |
|
By:
The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie" with their 8 -year old
son in the flat, was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars Bar and tell him to report on all the street activities. Their 8-year old began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation; 'There's a car being towed from the car park,' he shouted. 'An ambulance just drove past' 'Looks like the Andersons have visitors,' he called out. 'Matt's riding a new bike!' 'Looks like the Sanders are moving!' 'Jason is on his skateboard! After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are having a shag! Startled , his mum and dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out, 'How do you know that?' 'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Mars Bar.' |
|
By:
My wife has put that much weight on recently she qualifies for an American passport.
|
|
By:
I have one of those devices fitted that allows me to reverse park perfectly every time. It's called "Male Genitalia"
|
|
By:
GENTLEMEN who are not well-endowed. Take a tip from chocolate manufacturers and describe your p*enis as 'fun size' to make it more appealing.
|
|
By:
A warm stream of p*ss makes an excellent lightsabre for slaying snowmen who have fallen to the dark side.
|
|
By:
WHEN ROY WOOD wrote 'I wish it could be Christmas Every Day' I bet the beaded c*nt wasn't driving around Tesco's car park for half an hour on Christmas Eve,trying to find a f*cking space.
|
|
By:
The Importance of Accuracy in your Tax Return.
HMRC has returned the Tax Return to a man in Evesham after he apparently answered one of the questions incorrectly. In response to the question, Do you have anyone dependent on you? The man wrote: "2.1 million illegal immigrants, 1.1 million crackheads, 4.4 million unemployable Jeremy Kyle scroungers, 900,000 criminals in over 85 prisons plus 600+ idiots in Parliament and the entire European Commission". The HMRC stated that the response he gave was unacceptable. |
|
By:
Today sees the launch of a new safe sex campaign in Wales. Farmers are to paint an 'X' on the backs of all sheep who bite or kick.
|
|
By:
I saw an advert today that sums up my goal in life.
Drink Canada Dry. |
|
By:
Paddy gets arrested for beating his wife.
The judge asks "Why do you keep beating her?" Paddy replies "I think it's my weight advantage, longer reach and superior foot work." |
|
By:
100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars.
Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses. The stables have turned. |
|
By:
I lost my virginity when I was 17. I found it again when I got married.
|
|
By:
Breaking news: Rocco Siffredi latest actor to be accused of sexually inappropriate behaviour.
|
|
By:
did you ever see him in the boxing ring?
|
|
By:
Not that I'm aware of.
 I don't see the point of celebrating Christmas if you're not a Christian. It's a bit like having a man-bun and wearing skinny jeans when you're not even g@y. |
|
By:
Skinflint Dave gets a taxi to take him and his date home.
She's so beautiful...... He can barely keep his eyes on the meter!! |
|
By:
Two's company, three's a crowd.
So stop f*cking making up genders. |
|
By:
bigmo rocco was in a boxing ring with a 'lady' being cheered on by the crowd
but he didn't lay a glove on her such a gentleman but it sure wasn't the boxing I was used to oooooops!!!!!!!!!!!  |
|
By:
Bigmo.
Figjam. |
|
By:
I was in an American school library recently, going through a few magazines.
Then my f*cking rifle jammed. |
|
By:
The wife said my c*ck reminded her of a supermarket.
I said "because it's well stocked and supplies your every need?" She replied "No because its Lidl" |