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Got any jokes?
Got any jokes?
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Replies: 14,654
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geoff.
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A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer." A chess master died - after a few days, a friend of his heard a voice; it was him! "What's it like, where you are now," he asked. "What do you want to hear first, the good news or the bad news." "Tell me the good news first." "Well, it's really heaven here. There are tournaments and blitz sessions going on all the time and Morphy, Alekhine, Lasker, Tal, Capablanca, Botvinnik, they're all here, and you can play them." "Fantastic!" the friend said, "and what is the bad news?" "You have Black against Capablanca on Saturday." |
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My girlfriend left me because she couldn't handle my OCD...
I told her to close the door five times on her way out! |
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I've just invented a toilet cleaner that kills 0.1% of all known germs.
I'm going to sell the formula to Dettol |
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Possibly a repost?
A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, ‘All you sons of b*tches who want off, get the h*ll off now, ’cause this is the last stop. And all you sons of b*tches who are getting on, get your @sses in the train, ’cause we’re going down the tracks.’ The horrified mother went in and told her son, ‘We don’t use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for two hours. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.’ Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, ‘All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon.’ She hears the little boy continue ‘For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.’ As the mother began to smile, the child added, ‘For those of you who are p*ssed off about the two-hour delay, please see the b*tch in the kitchen. |
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I was driving on the motorway yesterday in a hearse.
Police pulled me over for undertaking. |
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I've put a wooden desk and a blackboard up in my bedroom.
To make it more classy |
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I was at Asda yesterday buying a box of Bakers for my dogs, in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. Why else would I be buying dog food, RIGHT ??? So on impulse I told her NO, I don't have a dog, I was starting the Bakers Diet again and that I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and all you do is load your pockets with the small bite biscuits and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a kerb to sniff a another dogs @rse and a car hit me. |
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If I ever win the lottery, the first thing I'm going to buy is a pot to p*ss in. I've always wanted one of those.
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I've just found out that the chippy in Sellafield has closed down.
What a shame, they used to serve a lovely leg of cod there. |
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It is my sad duty to report the death of my grandad, who was run over by a boat whilst swimming in a canal in Venice.
Thank you to those of you who have already sent your gondolences |
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My wife told me over breakfast this morning that she's leaving me because of my obsession with Twitter.
I was so shocked I nearly choked on my #brown |
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Thanks again Bigmo.
Great to have a laugh in the morning. |
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Thank you Jack.
Saw the wife at the bank today, not good news. I was hoping she'd wash further downriver. |
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I’m going to appear on Embarrassing Bodies later.
One of my testicles is considerably bigger than the other two! |
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My son failed his Biology test today.
Apparently 'Black people' wasn't the correct answer to 'What is commonly found in cells' ! That's my boy! |
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The next person that asks me for pineapple juice, cranberry juice, lemonade and a slice of orange in the same glass is gonna get a punch.
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I've just sold my homing pigeons on eBay for the 17th time!
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So, so good.
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Thanks
 My 18 year old son is an immature w@nker. He still believes that the white haired, bearded, jolly old bloke is going to give him loads of free sh*t that's going to magically appear and never have to be paid for. Or 'Jeremy Corbyn' as he likes to be called. |
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There was a man of Cape Horn
Who wished he had never been born & he wouldn’t have been If his father had seen That the end of rubber was torn. |
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On FIFA 13 who's the best team and who's got the best strikers?... Now that girls have stopped reading, anyone know any good p0rn sites?
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A friend of mine just told me that she’s got swelling on her @rse, legs and b00bs...
I thought that’s far too much inflammation! |
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I opened my electric bill at the same time I opened my water bill.
Needless to say, I was shocked! |
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My biology teacher grew human vocal chords from stem cells in the lab.
The results speak for themselves. |
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Las Vegas and Blackpool:- the only two places in the world where you can pay for sex with chips....
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What do you call a woman who's trying to get to the front of a crowd?
Jocelyn |
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Darts, the only sport where the players have bigger t1ts than the promo girls.
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How do you know when you're in tight Dave's household? There's a fork in the sugar bowl.
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I answered the phone,
"Hello, Mr Wilkinson, our records show you were involved in an accident last year, we may be able to help. " "Just f*ck off will you, he's already been born. " I replied. |
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I was watching a documentary on TV last night about how the native american Coyote traps is prey.
It paints a realistic railroad tunnel on the the side of a large rock , suspends a grand piano on a rope over the tunnel painting then waits in anticipation for the prey to be attracted to the tunnel drawing before dropping the piano. It was very interesting indeed. |
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After years in and out of prison, I've now settled down with a job repairing bent archery equipment.
Yep, I'm on the straighten arrow............ |
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After dropping my new girlfriend home the other night after our first date, she told me I'd have to wait 3 months before she would have sex with me. I told her I totally understood and respected her decision and that I'd ring her again nearer that time.
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Like the 3 month date bigmo !
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add me to the list bigmo 10/10 |
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treetop
Since admitting he once interfered with a fourteen year old boy, and coming out as gay Kevin Spacey has said he is looking forward to his new life. Working for the BBC. |
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Sorry twizzle didn't turn the page.
The Car of the Year for 2017, as voted by Woman magazine is: A Blue one. |
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Sorry twizzle didn't turn the page.
The Car of the Year for 2017, as voted by Woman magazine is: A Blue one. |