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Got any jokes?
Got any jokes?
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Replies: 14,654
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My wife asked me if I could have a threesome, which of her friends I would choose.
Apparently I was only supposed to name one, not two. |
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A man’s gotta make at least one bet a day, else he could be walking around lucky and never know it – Jimmy Jones
The best throw with the dice is to throw them away – Unknown Gambling is the future on the internet. You can only look at so many dirty pictures – Simon Noble A race track is a place where windows clean people – Danny Thomas The less you bet, the more you lose when you win ― Bob Nastanovich The house doesn’t beat the player. It just gives him the opportunity to beat himself – Nick Dandalos A weekend in Vegas without gambling and drinking is just like being a born-again Christian – Artie Lange The urge to gamble is so universal and its practice is so pleasurable, that I assume it must be evil – Heywood Broun Casinos and prostitutes have the same thing in common; they are both trying to screw you out of your money and send you home with a smile on you face – VP Pappy |
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An Argentine submarine has gone missing with 43 men and 1 woman on board.
Wonder which crew member was reading the map? |
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I was grilling a steak earlier and the smell of the juices started to make my mouth water...
Got me thinking, do vegans get the same reaction when mowing the lawn? |
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Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian |
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Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavours to live at the expense of everybody else.
Frederic Bastiat, French economist(1801-1850) |
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I did the Macarena, the mashed-potatoes, and the "funky-chicken," and I had my young daughter absolutely rolling over with laughter.
My wife had a face like thunder though and hissed, "Get the f*ck off my mother's grave." |
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I'm thinking about asking my ex wife to re-marry me.
But I'm worried she will think I'm just after her for my money. |
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My mate was having a tattoo of an indian on his back halfway through he said to the tattooist "don't forget his tomahawk"
The tattooist said "give me a chance mate I ain't finished his turban yet" |
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My wife isn't talking to me as apparently I ruined her birthday.
Not sure how I did that! I didn't even know it was her birthday! |
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4 of your finest sir!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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I'm pinching the birthday one bigmo!
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Thanks Injera, and SlippyBlue
I'm thinking about asking my ex wife to re-marry me. But I'm worried she will think I'm just after her for my money. |
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My mate was having a tattoo of an indian on his back halfway through he said to the tattooist "don't forget his tomahawk"
The tattooist said "give me a chance mate I ain't finished his turban yet" |
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Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex.
I woke up this morning with a huge correction. Wife:- I have a bag full of used clothing I'd like to donate. Husband:-Why not throw it in the bin? That's much easier. Wife:- But there are poor starving people who can really use the clothes. Husband:-Darling, anyone who fits into your clothing isn't starving. Husband is now recovering from a serous head injury. Just £3 will buy water and food for a family in Somalia But don't let your heart rule your head. Asda are doing 4 Stella for £2.99. Q.Where is the capital of Zimbabwe? A. In a Swiss bank. Paddy is by the police around 2 a.m. and asked where he is going at that time of night? Paddy replies"I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body as well as smoking and staying out late" The officer the asks" Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night? Paddy replies" That would be the wife" |
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You know you masturbate too much when you drop your sock and your wife shouts from the other room, "I hope that wasn't one of the good plates."
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"What's your name?"
"Dave F*cking Smith" "Do you suffer from Tourette's, Dave?" "No, but the Vicar at my Christening did." |
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I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
Will Rogers |
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If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free!
P.J. O'Rourke |
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Two Essex girls are on a roller coaster.
One says to the other "Ere, if we turn upside down will we fall out"? The other says "Na, babes, we'll still be friends" |
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A guy is at home when he hears a knock at the door.
He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks it up and throws it as far as he can. Two years later there's a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says ‘What the hell was that all about?' |
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In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other.
Voltaire (1764) |
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Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you!
Pericles (430 B.C.) |
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Erm, some of the recent jokes seem more like American right wing political talking points.
 Can normal service please be resumed? |
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Arguments
Do you get a receipt when you get an abortion? I had a very lengthy debate about whether or not you get receipts with abortions. Neither of us were in any form of relationship or pregnancy scare, and both of us were men. If fruit was able to fight, which kind would win? Fighting with my brother about which fruit would win if they were sentient and could fight. Which weighs more: a pound of bricks or a pound of feathers? I had an ex argue with me “over which would weigh more, a pound of bricks or a pound of feathers.” We went back and forth forever while I tried to explain it to her. It did not help when her mother chimed in with “what about a pound of wet feathers?!” The apple does not fall far from the tree |
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How many toes do humans have?
The number of toes humans have. He insisted the only toes were the big ones, and the rest were digits. The hundreds of thousands of websites didn’t deter him in his answer of “two” Who painted the Mona Lisa? That the Mona Lisa was painted by Leonardo DiCaprio… Violent, seven-hour argument over an avocado. Not me personally but I once witnessed a seven hour argument over an avocado which resulted in various kitchen items being thrown across a room and some of the worse abuse I’ve even seen two people scream at each other… Do you like to argue? My father said something about how I always disagreed with him just because I liked to argue. I said that’s not true. Smash cut to both of us arguing about how neither of us enjoy arguing. |
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How Long is a Chinese name.
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A waitress screamed "Does anyone know CPR?"
I shouted "Hell, I know the whole alphabet" Everyone laughed.. Well everyone except this one guy |
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"Okay Fred, Shaggy and Daphne, can you name an animal that lives in Africa and has a large horn on its face?"
"Rhino!" "We know you know the answer, Scooby, but it's not your turn." |
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Bought one of those Motorway service station Meal Deals for £10 today.
A Mars Bar. |
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2 Chinese break into a distillery.
One says to the other"Is this whisky?" The other one replies"Yes, but not as wisky as wobbing a bank".... |
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Fig
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My three-year-old daughter stuck out her hand and said, “Look at the fly I killed, Mommy.” Since she was eating a juicy pickle at the time, I thrust her contaminated hands under the faucet and washed them with antibacterial soap.
After sitting her down to finish her pickle, I asked, with a touch of awe, “How did you kill that fly all by yourself?” Between bites, she said, “I hit it with my pickle.” Cindy Yates, Mill Valley, California |
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My kids keep on taking the p*ss out my alzheimers. Wait till the cheeky little b*ggers wake up on Christmas morning and find no eggs under the bonfire
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I’m a scientist who’s researching bestiality between humans and dogs.
I’ll be in my lab. |
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A group of guys, all turning 40 discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses had big breasts and wore mini skirts. Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were attractive. The food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent. Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace and quiet with no loud music, and it was good value for money. Ten years later at the age of 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled. Ten years later, at age 80 the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because they had never been there before ! |
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I sat next to an insurance salesmen at the Robbie Williams gig last night.
And through it all, he offered me protection... |
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The waiter asked, "Would you like to hear today's special?"
"Yes please," I smiled... "Today is special," he replied, then walked off. |
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bigmo 02 Dec 17 07:40 Joined: 23 Jul 03 | Topic/replies: 22,906 | Blogger: bigmo's blog
I sat next to an insurance salesmen at the Robbie Williams gig last night. And through it all, he offered me protection... thats o.k Bigmo if he stopped there its if he went on with A lot of love and affection.....................its time to leave Keep up the good work. |