the wife text me earlier while I was out shopping:

'Pick something up for the little ones while you're out love x'

So I bought her a bra.

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It's my Scouse Nephews birthday tomorrow so as a surprise i've put £10 in his Nans purse.

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The man who invented UPS has died.

His funeral will be held on Thursday between 7am and 6pm.

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Apparently biologists have grown human vocal chords from stem cells in the lab.
The results speak for themselves.

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A bloke stopped me in the street and asked “Why are you carrying a 9ft book?”
I replied... “It’s a long story.”

Just been to the supermarket and swapped 50 raisins for 100 sultanas.

Can't believe the currant exchange rate!

"What a truly great, inspirational man that Steve Jobs was. " said my mate in the pub. "what is your favourite Apple product? "he asked.

"Cider, " I replied.

Cheers Bigmo

A rich vein of material at the moment.

Jack

Below probably a repost but worth it.



TRUE BRITISH NEWS.....

1) Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas
bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree that it was rather high
for the time of year. It's possible that Mr. Purdey has been charged for the
gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house."
(The Daily Telegraph)

2) Irish police are being handicapped in their search for a stolen van,
because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and
they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian)

3) A young girl, who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth, was
rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman
commented, "This sort of thing is all too common".
(The Times)

4) At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard and
asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied that he was sorry but he
didn't have a gauge with him. If it was any help, however, he said that the
wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff.
(Aberdeen Evening Express)

5) Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with
her reminiscences about the German prisoner of war, who was sent each week
to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled. "He
always seemed a nice friendly chap but, when the crocuses came up in the
middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.'"
(Bournemouth Evening Echo).

So Batman came up to me & he hit me over the head with a vase & he went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand.

I've been sacked from my job as a theatre designer.

I left without making a scene.

3 Dyslexics Walk Into A Bank And Shout "AIR IN THE HANDS MOTHER STICKERS THIS IS A F*CK UP !"

A cab driver reaches the pearly gates. St. Peter looks him up in his Big Book and tells him to pick up a gold staff and a silk robe and proceed into Heaven.
Next in line is a preacher. St. Peter looks him up in his Big Book, furrows his brow and says, "OK, we'll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff."
The preacher is shocked and replies, "But I am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabbie!"
St. Peter responds matter-of-factly, "This is Heaven and up here, we are interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabbie drove his taxi, people prayed."

What's the difference between a new bride and a new dog?

After a year the dog will still be excited to see you.

"In some Scottish restaurants they heat the knives so you can't use too much butter."

They all laughed when I said I would solve the secret of invisibility........... if only they could see me now.

I wrote to that posh MP about pollution.

It began, "Dear Jacob, re smog......"

What do you call an Alien who eats too much cheese, egg yolks and animal fat? 

An extra-cholesterol.

A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes of flirting, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It has to be your ears."
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these bre@sts; they are a full 38 inches and 100 percent natural. I work out every day and my @ss is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin, not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming...that was me."

Trying to find a fit girl in any of my local pubs is similar to crazy golf.

You want that perfect hole, but your balls always end up bouncing around some hippos teeth.

Priti Patel. Duty Free? She will be in an hour.

I put my phone under my pillow last night.

When I woke up it was gone and there was a pound coin in it's place.

F*cking Bluetooth fairy!

Words are powerful.

Choose them good.

We were at a Star Wars convention in London, and my son turned around and shrieked, "Look dad, it's Jabba the Hutt !!"

Turned out it was just Diane Abbott making an appearance.