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Got any jokes?
Got any jokes?
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Man walks into a pub. The pub's dead. Not a soul in there. He orders a pint and the Landlord sighs, gets up, pours him a beer then sits down and puts his head back in his hands.
'Hard times?' says the fella. 'God yeh' says the landlord. Bought the pub a few weeks back and I'm nearly bankrupt already. Tried it all. Quiz nights, bands, buy one get one free. The lot. No matter what I try I cant get a customer. I'm at my wits end. If it carries on like this I'm finished.' Your man has a think and says, 'Calm down I'll be back in an hour.' Sure enough an hour later your man walks back in and he has a tin under one arm and a duck under the other. The Landlord looks bewildered. 'Watch' say the fella. He puts the tin on the bar and then put the duck on the tin. Lo and behold the duck starts tap dancing like a good un. Little flappy feet going like the clappers. 'F*ck me thats amazing!' says the Landlord. 'Just put him in the window and Ill be back in a week' says your man. Sure enough. a week later the fella walks by the pub but now its a different place. It's packed to the rafters, theres 100s in there. Beer flying around and all come to see the amazing tap dancing duck. Pushing his way through the crowds the fella finally gets to the bar. He get's the attention of the landlord. 'How's it going?' he says. 'Better?' The landlord is white as a sheet, there's bags under his eyes and he looks like a dead man walking. 'Well' he says. First I have to thank you. You've saved my business.I owe you everything.' 'Well, what's the problem?' 'I haven't slept for a week! The beer is selling, business is good but I'm at my wits end. The Mrs has left me, I haven't slept for 6 nights now. I can't stop the bloody duck tap dancing. All day. All Night. Every Night. Tap tap tap tap bloody tap. It's killing me. It's torture.' 'Oh sh*t.' says the fella. 'I forgot to tell you how to make him stop.' He picks the duck up, puts it under one arm, picks the tin up, takes the lid off the tin and blows out the candle. |
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They should make another Taken movie, about Liam Neeson being underappreciated for trying to keep his family safe.
"Taken 4: Granted" |
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I was trying to get home in time for the football, but I was being held up by a learner driver. She was driving very slowly and kept stalling.
"Come on, you stupid ****!" I shouted. "Get a f*cking move on!" She started crying and said it would be her last lesson with me. |
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 you never fail Bigmo. |
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Driving home from work i accidentally ran into the car in front.The driver got out and i saw he was a dwarf.
"I'm not happy" he said so I said "Which one are you then?" |
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Bob Kostic
My girlfriend went into labour this morning. The midwife said, "Expect some complications because it's early". I said, "Actually, today is the due date". She said, "I know, but it's 5am and I'm half asleep". |
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I saw a young teenage kid on the subway today. He had a Mohawk hairstyle dyed yellow, green, and red. He caught me staring at him and in a nasty voice asked, "What the f*ck are you looking at?" I replied, "Sorry, but when I was about your age I had sex with a parrot. I thought maybe you were my son."
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A man siting at a bar asked a pretty woman sitting next to him, Excuse me, but can I smell your p***y?" "Get away from me, you pervert," she replied. "Oh, I'm sorry," exclaims the man, "It must be your feet."
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Who is the poorest guy monitoring the Jeremy Vile show.....The Tooth fairy.
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As I get older and I remember all the people I’ve lost along the way.
I think, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t for me after all. |
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As I watched the dog chasing his tail I thought "Dogs are easily amused", then I realised I was watching the dog chasing his tail.
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In hindsight I should have put my status as, "blew the gasket on on my 52 plate ford."
Rather than "I just f*cked a 15 year old escort." Police have confiscated my laptop, and the wife has gone back to her mothers. |
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My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the bonnet of her Honda Civic.
But if I'm going to have sex, it's going to be on my own Accord. |
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Marriage
The process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred. |
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Bigmo,loved the escort joke !
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treetop
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I woke up with a face full of rice this morning.
I fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pilau. |
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Which spice girl can hold the most petrol?
Geri can. |
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In a little known one- horse East Texas town near Long View Texas there is one road in and one road out. The town is suffering severely from the great depression of 2009. Money is as scarce as hen's teeth. A wealthy traveling salesman walks into the ancient hotel, the only hotel in town and lays a nice crisp $100 dollar bill on the hotel counter and announces to the hotel owner that he is going to walk upstairs to inspect the rooms.
The hotel owner picks up the $100 dollar bill, smiles, and sticks it in his shirt pocket. He walks out of the hotel and enters the Cafe next door. The entire town has been running on credit since the depression began. The hotel owner owes the Cafe owner a $100 dollar bill for services rendered at the hotel. The Cafe owner picks up the $100 dollar bill, smiles, and sticks it in his shirt pocket. He walks out of the Cafe and walks next door to the butcher shop. The entire town has been running on credit since the depression began. The Cafe owner owes a $100 dollar bill to the butcher for meat that was served at the hotel. The butcher picks up the $100 dollar bill, smiles, and sticks it in his shirt pocket. He walks out of the butcher shop and walks across the street to a prostitute standing on the corner. The entire town has been running on credit since the depression began. The butcher owes a $100 dollar bill to the prostitute for secret services rendered on credit. The prostitute picks up the $100 dollar bill, smiles, and sticks it inside her bra. She walks across the street to the hotel. The entire town has been running on credit since the depression began. The prostitute owes a $100 dollar bill to the hotel owner for rooms she used on credit. The hotel owner smiled, accepted the money and laid the nice crisp $100 dollar bill back on the counter. The wealthy salesman comes back downstairs, and states that the rooms were not acceptable, picked up the $100 bill from the counter, and walked out the door. The moral is that all of the debts were paid, all the books were balanced, the economy continued as normal, and everyone was happy, except for the salesman who still needed a room. This is the story of the American Economy. |
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Wife: Why do you talk about my weight behind my back?
Husband: By the time I get around to the front, I've forgotten what I was going to say. |
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Oh, we read loads of books here too. In fact we just read one called 'How to make the most of the 140 character limit on Twitter'
It was shi |
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Isn't it strange that the most violent countries in the world are the ones with the least amount of Bacon?
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What do you call an alligator in a vest?
An investigator. |
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It annoys me how unrealistic films are.
There's 8 Fast and the Furious movies and not once have they stopped for petrol. |
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My nephew fell asleep at a house party
I thought it was funny to shave his eyebrows off But my sister went mad when she looked in his pram |
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Brill as usual Bigmo,
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Thanks workrider
Halloween Pumpkins: Large Orange, scary things with a few teeth missing. Norwich girls: see above. |
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Breaking news:
Liverpool manager has resigned !!! He's taking his family back to Germany. Yep, the Klopps go back this weekend........... |
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^ love this topical jokes,,well done bigmo |
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Thanks twizzle
I've bought the wife a pair of crotchless knickers for Halloween. There's nothing sexual in it, it's just that she'll get a better grip on her broomstick |
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A referee has just walked into the bar.
I think it's gonna kick off. |
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Can't wait for next season's Merseyside Derby!
Everton v Tranmere Rovers |
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What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?
Phillipe Phillope. |
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My wife's so fat, when she fell down the stairs I thought Eastenders was ending.
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My friend said, "You remind me of a ketchup bottle"
I said, "I'll take that as a condiment" |
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Me and my mate were out having a drink when I told him that I was thinking about divorcing the missus.
He asked why and I told him that she had not spoken a word to me in over four months. He took a long sip of his pint and said "You want to think twice before doing that, women like that are hard to find" |
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I was gutted when my cat drowned in the washing machine...
At least he died in Comfort |