My wife told me she thought we'd have less arguments if I wasn't so pedantic.

I told her 'I think you mean fewer'.

I was sat on a packed bus when this woman said to me,

"Excuse me, why don't you let this heavily pregnant woman laden with bags of shopping sit down."

"Why the f*ck should I? " I replied, "I've paid my fare the same as her, besides, she can sit down when we get home."

winner of the 4.45 Sandown just now. Flood Defence - trainer C.Wall

Some w@nker attacked me with a bat in the park last night.

To be fair, I was amazed that he had managed to train it so well.

Scooters...built for men who want to ride motorcycles, but prefer to feel the wind on their v@gin@s.

Quite a lot was made at the time of Hitler's resemblance to Charlie Chaplin. Apologies for the least funny contribution to this glorious thread. Keep going, bigmo.

I think if you look at the very first joke on this thread it has come full circle!

Relationships are like fat people.

Most of them don't work out.

Nearly had a heart attack in the pub last night. This Muslim comes through the door shouting Allah, Allah, Allah.

Was expecting an explosion but then he said allav'e a pint. Stuttering ****.

The year is 2017. There are machines which can look through skin and see bones. There are machines which keep you alive when your brain and heart have stopped. There's even a machine that can tell you who your parents are with a single drop of spit. However, when I need my prostate checking, a man sticks his finger up my @rsehole and wriggles it about a bit.

How do you tell when a woman is in a bad mood?

She says, "No, I'm not."

My parents spanked me as a child.
I now suffer from a psychological condition known as ...
"Respect for others"

Spare a thought for poor ole Michael O’Leary, Chief Executive of Ryanair.
After arriving in a hotel in Manchester, he went to the bar and asked for a pint of Guinness.
The barman nodded and said, "That will be £1 please, Mr. O’Leary."
Somewhat taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money.
"Well, we do try to stay ahead of the competition", said the barman. "And we are serving free pints every Wednesday from 6 pm until 8 pm. We have the cheapest beer in England".
"That is remarkable value", Michael comments.
"I see you don't seem to have a glass, so you'll probably need one of ours. That will be £3 please."
O'Leary scowled, but paid up.
He took his drink and walked towards a seat. "Ah, you want to sit down?" said the barman. "That'll be an extra £2. You could have pre-booked the seat, and it would have only cost you £1."
"I think you may be too big for the seat sir, can I ask you to sit in this frame please".
Michael attempts to sit down but the frame is too small and when he can't squeeze in, he complains "Nobody would fit in that little frame".
"I'm afraid if you can't fit in the frame you'll have to pay an extra surcharge of £4 for your seat sir".
O'Leary swore to himself, but paid up. "I see that you have brought your laptop with you" added the barman. "And since that wasn't pre-booked either, that will be another £3."
O'Leary was so incensed that he walked back to the bar, slammed his drink on the counter, and yelled, "This is ridiculous, I want to speak to the manager".
"I see you want to use the counter," says the barman, "that will be £2 please."
O'Leary's face was red with rage. "Do you know who I am?"
"Of course I do Mr. O'Leary."
"I've had enough! What sort of a Hotel is this? I come in for a quiet drink and you treat me like this. I insist on speaking to a manager!"
"Here is his e-mail address, or if you wish, you can contact him between 9.00 am and 9.01am every morning, Monday to Tuesday at this free phone number. Calls are free, until they are answered, then there is a talking charge of only £1 per second, or part thereof".
"I will never use this bar again".
"OK sir, but do remember, we are the only hotel in England selling pints for £1."

At a wedding in Glasgow I whispered to a guy next to me,
"Isn't the bride a right ugly dog"
"Do you mind. That's my daughter you're talking about"
"I'm sorry, I didn't know you were her father''...
"I'm not . . . I'm her f*cking mother.

Patient: Doctor Doctor, every night I get the urge to go downstairs and stick my dick in the biscuit barrel, what's wrong with me?
Doctor: It's obvious, you're f@*king crackers!

The Goal: Reduce UK binge drinking by half.

The Plan: Scottish independence.

I jumped into a taxi with my date last night.

I said to her, "What would you say to a bl0w j0b when we get back to my place?"

She said, "You seem like a nice guy and I've had a good time... so why not? Okay!"

"Great!" I replied, reaching over to the taxi driver. "Is that okay with you mate? I'm broke."

Just become the leap frog world record holder

On the down side i`m now banned from entering any mosques.

Leap frog...