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Got any jokes?
Got any jokes?
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Replies: 14,654
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The fact that head lice are becoming resistant to treatment has left doctors and scientists scratching their heads
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Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord. "God, what does a million years mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A minute." Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A penny." Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?" The Lord replies, "In a minute." |
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A policeman knocked on my door last night.
'Where were you between 4 and 6?', he demanded. 'Primary school', I replied. |
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A fat German goes to see an English doctor, the doctor examines him and says 'You are morbidly obese"
The German replies "Yeah it runs in my family" The Doctor says " F*ck off, nothing runs in your family" |
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A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?" The man replied, "My wife is going to poison me." The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?" The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's going to poison me. What should I do?" The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know." A week later the Rabbi calls the man. He says, "I spoke to your wife on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?" The man said, "Yes" and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison." |
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Comic Sans walks into a bar.
"Get out of here!" shouts the barman. "We don't serve your type." |
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Bigmo, Ed Sheeran brilliant
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no-won-sun
 I really like the name Saturn. It has a lovely ring to it. |
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We were dressed and ready to go out for a Dinner & Theatre evening.
We turned on a 'night light', turned the answering machine on, covered our pet budgie and put the cat in the back garden. We phoned the local Taxi company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard scooted back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to get at the budgie. My wife walked on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat. The cat ran upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife didn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explained to the taxi driver that I would be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother." A few minutes later, I got into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said, as we drove away. "That stupid b*tch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her @rse with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked..! I hauled her fat @rse downstairs and threw her out into the back garden..! ..............She'd better not sh*t in the vegetable garden again..!" The silence in the Taxi was deafening!!.. |
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You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like a woman?
That's common sense leaving your body. |
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How do Mexicans stay warm?
They use chickens for heaters. |
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My mate walked into the pub last night with a massive black eye.
"How did you get that?" I asked. He replied. "I was banging my neighbours wife over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open, she said its my husband quick use the back door....... Thinking about it i should have run, but you don't get offers like that every day?" |
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Some Egyptian bloke just pulled up in a BMW, beeped his horn and bared his naked @rse out of the window.
Bl00dy toot and car moon! |
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On a first date...
'I work with animals every day.' 'Oh how sweet! What is it that you do?' 'I’m a butcher...' |
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A bus driver pulls up at a bus stop and opens the doors. There is a bloke with no arms and legs sitting in a wheelchair and the bus driver realises he knew him from school and says: "Hello mate, how are you getting on?"
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A bus driver pulls up at a bus stop and opens the doors. There is a bloke with no arms and only one leg sitting on the bench and the bus driver says: "Hello mate, you look harmless,hop on !"
apologies DL ! |
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I've just invented a new flavour of crisps.
If they're successful I'll make a packet. |
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I hope the guy who invented Auto correct burns in hello!!
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My grandfather races pigeons.
I don't know why - he never beats them. |
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Some Egyptian bloke just pulled up in a BMW, beeped his horn and bared his naked @rse out of the window.
Bl00dy toot and car moon! This 1972 variant should be recorded for posterity: What do you call a traffic jam outside the British Museum? Tutankhamun |
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Congrats to all those getting their A levels today. To all those going on to uni to do art or multimedia, just remember one thing.
I don't want pickles on my big mac. |
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A Somali arrives in England as a new immigrant. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr Englishman for letting me in this country!" But the passer-by says "You are mistaken, I am a Pakistani". The man goes on and encounters another passer-by. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in England!". The person says "I no English, I flom Hong Kong". The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says "Thank you for the wonderful England!" That person says "I am from Iran, I am not English". He finally sees a nice lady and asks suspiciously, "Are you a English citizen?". She says, "No, I am from Romania!"So he is puzzled, and asks her, "Where are all the English?"The Romanian lady looks at her watch, shrugs and says "Probably at work".
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All men marry nymphomaniacs.
Then after a few years the nympho leaves and the maniac stays. |
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Sean Connery has found his niche.
She was in his back garden with his nephew. |
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Tragic news from the Nestle factory today as a worker was crushed to death under hundreds of boxes of chocolates.
He tried in vain to get help but every time he shouted, "The milky bars are on me!!" --his fellow workmates just cheered |
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After finding his niece Sean Connery received a call from his agent, "Sean, Sean, Barbara Broccoli has been on the phone, she wants you to play Bond again. You need to sign today. Get to hers this morning. You need to be there for 10-ish."
"That's brilliant news, I'm on my way. But I don't know how to play Tennis, I don't even have a racquet" |
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When you think about it life is all about perspective.
I mean the sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen. |
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I refused to believe I was gay and dyslexic.
I was in Daniel. |
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Sometimes I use really big words which I don't understand to make me seem more photosynthesis.
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The milky bars are on me...
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The milky bars are on me...
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I tried to read a book today on the history of Sellotape, but I couldn't find the beginning.
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I got thrown out of the cinema for taking my own food yesterday.
Been ages since I've had a barbecue. |
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Basil brush has become a Muslim...
Boom, Boom. |
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The condition of the man who was mauled at the Teddy bear's picnic is said to be improving but he's not out of the woods yet!
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If you're dating a dominatrix, never ever suggest it's time to hit the sack.
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Life is like a box of chocolates.
It doesn't last long if you're a fat bstard. |
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I’m fed up with my mates, three times now they've agreed to go to a Whitesnake gig with me & then not showed up.
Here I go again on my own! |
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How to speak Irish
Whale Oil Beef Hooked |