I honestly don't know how devout Muslims can follow all the rules of the Qur'an.

The one in our corner shop can't even follow the rule of 'Multi-pack: not to be sold separately.'

After a terrible time with Diarrhoea and a long struggle with Hypercholesterolemia

I finally won the spelling contest.

Love that one bigmo^

I've just installed CCTV in the downstairs toilet.

You can now follow me on Sh*tter!

An 80-year-old Italian goes to the doctor for a check-up.

The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, 'how do you stay in such great physical condition?'

I'm Italian and I am a golfer,' he says, 'and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a glass of vino, and all is well.'

"'Well' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. "How old was your Father when he died?"

"Who said he was dead?"

The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your Father's still alive.
"How old is he?"

'He's 100 years old, in fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had a little vino and that's why he's still alive. He's Italian and he's a golfer, too.'

'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Father's Father? How old was he when he died?'

'Who said my Nonno's dead?'

Stunned, the doctor asks, 'You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's
still living! Incredible, how old is he?'

'He's 118 years old,' says the old Italian golfer.

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?'

'No, Nonno couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today.'

At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married? Why would a 118 year- old guy want to get married?'

'Who said he wanted to?

I was worried that the mechanic would rip me off because I was a blonde woman.

Imagine my relief when I found out that I only needed indicator fluid.

King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of
the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world.

Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."

"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"

Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."

I saw a guy in the pub last night carrying 12 pints of lager.

I thought, that guy can really hold his drink.

Hmmmmmmm

Patrick & Michael find three grenades, so they decide to take them to a police station.

Michael "What if one explodes before we get there?"

Patrick "We'll lie and say we only found two."

Hell explained scientifically

The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid-term, and an actual answer turned in by a student.

The answer by this student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question:

Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct..... ...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa repeatedly kept shouting 'Oh my God, I’m coming!'

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+

Mick goes to the vet with his goldfish. "I think it's got epilepsy", he tells the vet.

Vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me".

Mick says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".

Dave in Wetherspoons:  "How much is your lager?"

Barman: "£2 a pint and £7 a pitcher"

Dave I'll just have a pint, f*ck the photo!

Patrick spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope:
"DO NOT BEND ".

So he spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick the bl00dy thing up.

My flatmate's been hard at work all day today.

I slipped a Viagra in his breakfast this morning.

An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin
strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day.

After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

Reilly went to trial for armed robbery.
The jury foreman came out and announced, 'Not guilty.'

'That's grand!' shouted Reilly.
'Does that mean I can keep the money?'

After years of doubt I'm now convinced my wife is having an affair!

We've moved 250 miles north & we've still got the same window cleaner.

There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin.

All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove that... the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

Now on sale at IKEA - LESBIAN beds, no nuts or screwing involved, it's all tongue and groove...

Muslim has been shot in the head with a starting pistol; police say it's definitely race related...

Due to a water shortage in Ireland, Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8...

Paddy thought his new girlfriend might be the one but after looking through her knickers drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maids outfit, and a police woman’s uniform, he finally decided if she can't hold down a job, she's not for him...

I got sacked from my job as a bingo caller the other day apparently, 'A meal for two with a terrible view' isn't the best way to announce number 69...

  After 100 years lying on the seabed, Irish divers were amazed to find that the Titanic’s swimming pool was still full...