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Got any jokes?
Got any jokes?
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Replies: 14,654
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In the German parliament the other week Angela Merkel voted AGAINST same sex marriage.
Which is ironic considering she looks like a lesbian. |
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I can drive a woman wild with my tongue!
It's pretty easy... All you do is say, "Have you put on weight?" Just tried it on the missus, happy to report it works  |
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Jeremy Paxman went one better when he asked Silvio Berlusconi: 'Is it true you called Angela Merkel an 'unf**kable lard-a**e'?'
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Figjam. |
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My dad always said "The first rule of theatre is to always leave them wanting more",
Great bloke.. Terrible anaesthetist. |
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Got my wife a dildo and some shoes for her birthday.
If she doesn't like the shoes, she can go f*ck herself. |
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I remember coming home from school with the sh1ts,so me mam decides to bake me a cake to make me feel better. Id just finished a dump when I hear me ma turning off the food mixer,so I shout down to her,,,'mam can I lick the bowl?',,'no' she says,,'flush the bl00dy toilet like everyone else you filthy git'!!!!!!!!
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My wife is leaving me due to my obsession with police interview techniques.. And for the benefit of the tape she is leaving the room at 12.20am.
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Its not my fault I have a double-chin...
When God was giving out chins.. I thought he said gin so I said I'll have a double. |
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I've been teaching hobbits how to play cricket.
Bilbo's good at catching, but he can't really Frodo. |
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If the current trend in ******* terror attacks continues, candlelit vigils will soon be the number one cause of global warming.
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My wife just left me because of my obsession with cricket.
It's really hit me for 6. |
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Light travels faster than sound...
That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. |
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Simply put a % sign after your age to see how dead you are...
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“I can’t believe that you’ve been visiting prostitutes for sex,” my wife screamed at me. “I’m really disappointed.” “You can hardly blame me,” I answered. “It’s not like I was getting any from you.” “Well that’s your fault,” she replied. “You never told me you were willing to pay for it.”
My mate just phoned me up and asked me what my ringtone is. I said, "Light brown," I think. Be careful if you're thinking of getting a rescue cat. My gran had one. She slipped and fell one day and the cat literally sat there and did absolutely nothing |
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On his first outing with his new team at Goodison Wayne Rooney scored a hat trick.
Ethel, 64, Agnes 71, and a scorcher, Gertrude 92. |
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When a woman says, "WHAT!!?"
It's not because she didn't hear you, its because she's giving you a chance to change what you said. |
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Religion is basically an argument about who has the best imaginary friend.
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Like them mick!
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Whats the difference between me and a calendar?
A calendar has dates. |
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What do you call a nervous Javelin thrower?
Shakespeare. |
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why have seagulls got wings?
so they can beat the pikeys down the tip  |
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After succumbing to a fever of some sort in 1705, Irish woman Margorie McCall was hastily buried to prevent the spread of whatever had done her in. Margorie was buried with a valuable ring, which her husband had been unable to remove due to swelling. This made her an even better target for body snatchers, who could cash in on both the corpse and the ring.
The evening after Margorie was buried, before the soil had even settled, the grave-robbers showed up and started digging. Unable to pry the ring off the finger, they decided to cut the finger off. As soon as blood was drawn, Margorie awoke from her coma, sat straight up and screamed. The fate of the grave-robbers remains unknown. One story says the men dropped dead on the spot, while another claims they fled and never returned to their chosen profession. Margorie climbed out of the hole and made her way back to her home. Her husband John, a doctor, was at home with the children when he heard a knock at the door. He told the children, “If your mother were still alive, I’d swear that was her knock.” When he opened the door to find his wife standing there, dressed in her burial clothes, blood dripping from her finger but very much alive, he dropped dead to the floor. He was buried in the plot Margorie had vacated. True Story apparently. |
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My mates missus rang me up ,and told me that this morning she went to work ,and about 2 miles out of the village ,the car broke down.
She walked back home(her husband wasn't answering his mobile) to find him in bed with her 19 year old neighbor ,She is 15 years younger than me,what shall I do? I replied "Fiats are known to have problems in this hot weather ,whatever you do ,don't take it to a main dealer ,they charge a fortune". I texted the number of a chap who will do it cash only.Always happy to help . |
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Yesterday evening I had to change a lightbulb, a bit later on I crossed the road. Then I walked into a bar..
My life is a joke. |
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A waitress screamed "Does anyone know CPR?"
I shouted "Hell, I know the whole alphabet" Everyone laughed.. Well everyone except this one guy |
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25% of British women are on medication for some form of mental illness.This means that 75% are walking around untreated.
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Just phoned the hospital asking about how my best mate was doing?
The silly f*cker swallowed a £2 coin last night... Still no change. |
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I love cooking children and dogs.
But hate using commas. |
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I've just broken up with my gym.
We just weren't working out. |
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People always ask if I still enjoy sex at 45?
I live at number 53, so it's not far to go! |
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Women your husband is the best person to tell your secrets to!
He won't tell anyone because he wasn't even listening in the first place. |
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The missus was clearing out some old clothes the other day.
She came running into the lounge and shouted "Look! I found an old pair of crotchless knickers in the drawer!.... And they fit me!!" I didnt have the heart to tell her it was one of my old vests. |
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I've just purchased Bonnie Tyler 'How not to save free kicks' on DVD for my birthday.
It's just totally clips of Joe Hart. |
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Dad: I gave all your toys to the orphanage.
Son: Why did you do that dad? Dad: So you won't get bored there. |
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A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he
comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds into the water, subsequently bumping into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon, he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk shouts, "Yes, I am." So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him back and asks, "Brother, have you found Jesus?" The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus!" The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him again but for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks, "Have you found Jesus, brother?" The drunk answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus!" By this time, the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk again -- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds, and when he begins kicking his arms and legs about, he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?" The drunk staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water, catches his breath, and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?" |
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l was doing some ancestry searching and discovered that my great Grandad was killed during the Battle of 'THE LITTLE BIGHORN' (Custer's Last Stand'.)
I checked with the American Embassy and they could not have been more helpful. They told me that there was indeed a William Abraham Jones who was slain during the Battle. They went on to say that he wasn't a member of Custer's 7th Cavalry, but that he was camped in the next field and went over to complain about the noise. |
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A little girl asked her dad, "do all fairy tales begin with "Once upon a time?"
Her dad replied, 'No, some begin with - If I am elected' |