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Got any jokes?
Got any jokes?
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Replies: 14,654
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# Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night.
# Virginity like balloon – one prick, all gone. |
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Boy goes to confession and tells the priest he has been with a girl of loose morals.
"That's a grievous sin," the priest says. "Tell me: Was it Mary O'Hara?" "No, Father." "Was it Kate Dannaher?" "No, Father." "Was it Kathleen McGonigle?" "No, Father. I don't want to say who it was." Later, as the boy leaves the church, he sees a friend, who asks him, "How'd it go?" He answers, "Well, I got ten Hail Marys, five Our Fathers... and three great leads." |
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I just bought a thesaurus and when I got it home, all the pages were blank.
I have no words to describe how angry I am. |
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# He who f@rts in church, sits in own pew.
# Baseball all wrong – man with four balls can’t walk. |
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A British General had sent some of his men off to fight for their country in the Falkland Island Crisis.
Upon returning to England from the South American island, three soldiers that had distinguished themselves in battle were summoned to the General’s office. “Since we weren’t actually at war,” the General began, “I can’t give out any medals. We did, however, want to let each of you know your efforts were appreciated. What we’ve decided to do is to let each of you choose two points on your body. You will be given two pounds sterling for each inch of distance between those parts. We’ll start on the left, boys, so what’ll it be?” Soldier 1: “The tip of me head to me toes, sahr!” General: “Very good son, that’s 70 inches which comes to 140 pounds” Soldier 2: “The tip of the finger on one outstretched hand to the tip of the other, sir!” General: “Even better son, that’s 72 inches which comes to 144 pounds” Soldier 3: “The palm of me hand to the tip of me left pinky, sahr!” General: “That’s a strange but fair request, son! As the general begins the measurement: “What! Son, where is your left pinky?” Soldier 3: “Falkland Island, sahr!” |
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She laughed when she saw how small my p*nis was.
"Who are you going to make come with that?," she said. "Me," I replied. |
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Or....
Who you going to satisfy with that little thing ? Me  |
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# Man who live in glass house, dress in basement.
# Man with p*nis in peanut butter is – nuts. |
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Please stop picking on the fat Americans
They have lot on their plates. |
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As an American who is shall we say slightly portly consider yourself reported bigmo
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Well that figures Dan, where were you when you were sh.t?
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Well FIGJAM I picked a season to go to every game home and away (missed very few anyway) I saw 52 games Chelsea won six games all season got relegated to the old division two. Hope this helps and thanks for your concern
And just remember Anthony Joshuia had more wins at Wembley than your shower of sh1te managed |
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Tbf preferred when we were sh1t to sanitised for me today, mind you enjoyed being Champions of Europe, something I could never of expected to see given the dross I used to watch. And talking as I did in my last post regarding concern being Champions of Europe has never been and never will be a concern for you
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# Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok.
# Man who take lady on camping trip, have one intent. # Man who go to bed with sex on mind wake up with solution in hand. |
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Painting
Something a Jamaican takes paracetamol for |
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Follow this recipe to make a cheap, but surprisingly tender, pigeon pie.
First, get some breadcrumbs and a rolling pin. Then, take the breadcrumbs and rolling pin to the park... |
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I was saddened when my friend, a local blacksmith died
But perked up when I heard that I was included in his will. I found that he had left me his dog. I took it home and he immediately made a bolt for the door. |
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I was having a bit of a moan about a concert I went to in the Far East
"Singapore" my friend asked Yes I said and the band were terrible too. |
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I feel sorry for the Director of rugby at Wasps, Dai Young.
His parents must've really hated him. |
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whats it say on the bottom of a irish milk bottle?
open other end. |
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I was saddened when my friend, a local blacksmith died
But perked up when I heard that I was included in his will. [b] I found that he had left me his dog. I took it home and he immediately made a bolt for the door.[/b] And a spring for my b alls. |
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Paramedic turns up at an accident to find a young lady suffering with concussion.He quickly settles her down and looks her in the eye and asks how many fingers have I got up ? My God,she says,I'm not paralysed down there am I ?
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I found out two things today.
1. My computer will always be better than me at chess. 2. I'm better than it at kick boxing. |
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Little Johnny was sat in class, and the teacher called on him and said, "Johnny, could you use 'I' in a sentence please?"
Little Johnny began, "I is--" "Little Johnny," said the teacher, "you've learned this by now, the correct grammar is 'I am'." Johnny continued, "I am the 9th letter of the alphabet." |
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Hottest day since 1976 today, i walked past Greggs and thought "g0d, they must be baking in there
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When I was in the pub last night I overheard a couple of d1ckheads saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman!
What a pair of sexist tw@ts. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the f*cking thing! |
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I started dating this girl and she told me all her flatmate Lisa does is sit around all day drinking beer and watching movies.
I kind of felt bad for her. Because now I'm interested in her flatmate. |
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COLLEAGUE: Explain to me again the difference between your and you're. I can't remember
ME: Your is possessive. As in your phone, your desk, your car. You're, is a contraction of "you are". As in, you're a f*cking m0ron. |
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My advertising idea for a new brand of evergy saving lightbulbs has just been picked up by a major advertising agency:
"These low energy bulbs, will blow as often as your wife does" |
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There were 10 in the bed & the little one said...
"These NHS cuts are ridiculous." |
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"Give it to me!" she said
"I'm so f*cking wet, give it to me now!" "F*ck off" i said "Get your own umbrella" |
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I just put 400 pounds on a horse.
Poor f*cker, but the wife insisted on riding it! |
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Hello you've reached my voice mail
Please leave your name, number and a damn good reason why this conversation couldn't be done over text. |
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I've just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
I'll let you know... |
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Breaking up is awful.
Especially when they try to let you down gently "Its not you, its me" "I just need some space" "We can still be cousins" |
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When someone is murdered, the police always investigate the spouse first!
And that tells you everything you need to know about marriage. |
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There's a Polish bloke next door. Every night he stands at the top of our street singing, "I want to know what love is."
Bl00dy Foreigner. |
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Why can't more than one woman play monopoly?
Because there is only one iron. |
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What do you call a fat Chinese prostitute?
Chun Ki Ho. |
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Superb as usual Bigmo, loved the Foreigner one. |