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Got any jokes?
Got any jokes?
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Replies: 14,654
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My wife ran off with a bungee jump instructor.
But she'll be back. |
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Sweet dreams are made of cheese...................Who an i to Dis a Brie.
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My wife decided to get a tattoo of a sea shell on the inside of her thigh last week. It's true what they say, if you hold a sea shell to your ear you can smell the sea !
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Read about a survey in the paper today, it says 75% of wives are uncomfortable undressing in front of their husbands.
I wish mine f*cking was. |
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I told my mother to "get ready for the pitter patter of tiny feet !"
My new midget girlfriend is moving in !! |
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My wife has told me she's had enough of my gambling , and it's time to choose between her and the horses.
I replied that it's hard enough just choosing between the horses. |
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Chelsea F.C
Now there's a team steeped in history! Must be knocking on for 12 years now |
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Ireland had a radio DJ who had a 60 second quiz where viewers rang in and answered as many questions as possible in a minute. Here are a few answers.
(Larry) Q. Something a blind man might use? (Contestant) A. A sword L.) Q. A song with the word moon in the title? C.) A. Blue suede moon L.) Q. Name the capital of France? C.) A. "F" L.) Q. Name a bird with a long neck? C.) A. Naomi Campbell L.) Q. Name an occupation where you might need a torch? C.) A. A burglar L.) Q. What is Hitler's first name? C.) A. Heil L.) Q. As happy as...........? (Larry says, "I'll give you a hint, think of my first name?")........... C.) A. A pig in **** L.) Q. Name some famous brothers? C.) A. Bonny and Clyde L.) Q. Name a dangerous race? C.) A. The Arabs L.) Q. Something that floats in a bath? C.) A. Water L.) Q. An item of clothing worn by the three musketeers? C.) A. A horse L.) Q. Something you wear on the beach? C.) A. A deckchair L.) Q. Name a famous Royal? C.). A. Mail L.) Q. Name something that flies and doesn't have wings? C.) A. A bicycle with wings L.) Q. A method of securing the house? C.). A. Put the kettle on L.) Q. A sign of the zodiac? C.) A. April L.) Q. Something people might be allergic to? C.) A. Skiing L.) Q. Something you do before you go to bed? C.) A. Sleep L.) Q. A kind of ache? C.) A. A fillet of fish And the clincher ! ! ! L.) Q. What star do travellers follow? C.) A. Joe Dolan. |
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Chelsea F.C
Now there's a team steeped in history! Must be knocking on for 12 years now Careful bigmo you could lose your number one fan  And anyway fu ck off we won the Zenith data systems cup long before Roman turned up  |
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Whenever there's a footie joke I always upset someone.
Sorry ufcdan. Honest. |
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My husband came up to me and said "Honey where is your bike, I can't find it anywhere"
I responded "I decided to do my bit and give inner city children the chance to learn to ride a bike" Sounds better than saying I forgot to chain it up. |
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When I text my wife I always end the message with :-)))
Its not to say I'm happy. I'm reminding her how many chins she's got. |
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Bike joke
your forgiven bigmo once you've said "Come on you Blues" |
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Very happy to say "Come on you Blues"
It's something I'm used to saying as a Coventry supporter.  |
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I won a fight with my wife once. We were arguing about how dumb I am.
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The lady next door likes to cover her naked lovers, two at a time, in chocolate and caramel, then lick it off!
She's a DominaTwix!! |
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My friend said he didn’t understand cloning. I said “that makes two of us”
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I once tried to quickly make a square but I ended up with an octagon...
That's what happens when you cut corners. |
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Her: You are too immature!, I can't handle it anymore, I need a break.
Me: Have a kitkat. |
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Went to a quiz night the other night and this question came up:"Who was the last member of the royal family to be executed?
"Apparently "Diana" was incorrect. |
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Halal meat!
How a geordie greets his friends in Newcastle |
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I asked my gym instructor if he could teach me to do the splits.
He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays". |
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In pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.
For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of acetaminophen. Aleve is also called naproxen. Amoxil is also called amoxicillin and Advil is also called ibuprofen. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of mycoxafloppin. Also considered were mycoxafailin, mydixadrupin, mydixarizin, mydixadud, dixafix, and of course, ibepokin. |
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At first I was afraid,
I was petrified! When you said you had 10 inches, lord I almost died. But I'd spent so many years just waiting for a man that long, that I grew strong... and knew that I could take you on BUT THERE YOU ARE Another lie I was ready for a Big Mac and you brought me a French Fry, I should have known that it was bullshit, just a sad pathetic dream, Should have known there was no anaconda lurking in your jeans, Go on now go....walk out the door! don't you promise me 10 inches and then give me only 4! You are such a prat to think that I wouldn't find it out, Don't you know we're only joking when we say size doesn't count? I will survive, I will survive! As long as I have all my batteries, my sex life's gonna thrive! I will always have good sex with a handful of latex! I will survive I will survive! HEY HEY! |
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Thought for the day... who picks up guide dogs poo?
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How do you milk sheep?
Release another iPhone |
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It's not going to be much fun for Tottenham next season playing in an empty stadium.
This won't be due to lack of support, it's just that not a single member of the yid army have a clue how to get to Wembley. |
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Migrating: how a Jamaican describes anything he owns which is grey.
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Well done bigmo you can give sh1t to Spurs all day long
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ufcdan
And finally some good news for the homeless. 79% of accidents happen in the home. |
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I once had a job cleaning in a glitter factory
It was pretty rubbish. |
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I did enjoy though..
Chelsea F.C Now there's a team steeped in history! Must be knocking on for 12 years now |
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FIGJAM told you before and I'll tell you again we won the Zenith data systems cup long before Roman turned up.........no history indeed
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A woman weightlifter goes to the doc's:
"I've been taking steroids, & now I've grown a c*ck" "Anabolic" says the Doctor "No just a c*ck!" |
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Trying to understand women is like trying to smell the colour 9
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A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.
"I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!" "Oh God no!" cries the man "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?" "The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm and I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant." "Go for it doc," says the man, "as long as I can play golf again." The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon. "Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon. "Just great," says the businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved." "That's great," said the surgeon. "Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolours." "That's unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?" "Well, just two, said the golfer, "I have trouble parallel parking and every time I get an erection, I get a headache." |
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The Italian Honeymoon
After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride, Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in Jersey to say hello to his friends. Giovanni said, "Hey Luigi, how was da treep? Luigi said, "Everyting wasa perfecto except for da damma train ride down" Whata you mean Luigi? asked Giovanni Well we boarda da train at Grana Central Station. My beautiful Virginia, she pack a biga basket a food. She brough ta da vino, some nice ceegars for me, and we were lookina forward to da trip, and open upa da lunch basket. The conductor e come aby waga his finger at us anda say, ' no eata indisa car. Musta use a dining car.' So me and my beautiful Virgina, we go to da dining car. eat a biga lunch and starta ta open da bottle of a nice a vino! Conductor walka by again, waga his finger and say, 'No drinka indisa car! Musta use a cluba car.' So we go to cluba car. While a drinkina da vino, I starta to lighta my biga cigar. The conductore, he waga his finger again and say, No smokina disa car Musta go to a smokina car. "We go to a smokina car and I smoke a my biga cigar. Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to a sleeper car anda go to bed. We just about to go boombada boombada and the conductore , he walka through da hallway shouting at a top of his voice.. Nofolka Virginia ! Nofolka Virginia ! sona-mubitcha-damma.... Next time, I'ma just gonna taka da bus |
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A Jamaican team decided to climb Mt. Everest.
Halfway up a sheer incline, they started arguing about who should be the first one to the summit. The team leader said, "Stop arguing, guys. There shouldn't be discord between us." Then he cut the rope and everybody fell to their deaths. |
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I made my wife scream during sex last night.
She walked into her sister's room. |