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These 14654 comments are related to the topic:
Got any jokes?
Got any jokes?
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Replies: 14,654
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My girlfriend said if I don’t do page 7 of the Kama sutra she will leave me.
It put me in a very difficult position. |
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My mate and his wife were lying in bed on Sunday.
He was lying to her and she was lying to him. |
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a computer that,s smple and does what you want it to
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A very nice, innocent Australian woman wanted to get married, but she was only willing to marry a man provided he had never had sex with another woman.
After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decided to take out a personal ad. She ends up corresponding with Scotty Greer, who had lived his entire life in the Australian Outback and has had no experience with women. They meet and she likes him, with the feeling that they are perfect for each other. Finally they got married. On their wedding night, she went into the bathroom to prepare for the evening and when she returned to the bedroom, she found her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked with all the furniture from the room is piled in one corner. "What happened?" she asked! "I've never been with a woman" he sayed, "But if it's anything like a kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get!" |
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Out in space two alien life forms are speaking with each other.
The first alien says: "The dominant life forms on the earth planet appear to have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons." The second alien asks: "Are they an emerging intelligence?" The first alien says: "I don't think so, they have them aimed at themselves." |
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How many Freudians does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to change the bulb and the other to hold his penís. I mean father! Ladder! |
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Mention of down under reminds me of this offering...........
Randy O'Toole, the Irish pervert, was admitted to Canberra hospital with a suspected fractured skull. Apparently he'd tried to shag a kangaroo underneath a low bridge. |
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Just sent Jurgen Klopp a video of me walking the dog so he can show the team how to hold on to a lead.
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I've been thinking about selling my John Lennon memorabilia on eBay.
Imagine all the PayPal.. |
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What's the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo?
Ones really heavy, the others a little lighter. |
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My mate David is a victim of ID theft.
Now we just call him ‘Dav’ |
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Keep this in mind the next time you are about to repeat a rumour or spread gossip.
In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?" "Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test." "Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance. "That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?" "No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it." "All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?" "No, on the contrary..." "So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?" The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?" "No, not really." "Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?" The man was bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was banging his wife. |
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Whatever you do in life, always give 100%.
Unless you're donating blood. |
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Couple driving home run over a rabbit, they get ot the car to find its still breathing but freezing cold. The husband says " put it between your legs to warm it up " the wife replies " but its all wet and it stinks " husband says " well hold its nose then "
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Cost me a fortune this week, my Facebook went down so I had to phone everyone to see what they were having for tea.
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Just got a birthday card, opened it and rice went everywhere!!
It was from Uncle Ben! |
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Manning one liner
went to see that Pavarotti last week and he was a right miserable git. He doesn't like it when you join in |
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Me and my limbo team go way back!
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The next person that asks me for pineapple juice, cranberry juice, lemonade and a slice of orange in the same glass is gonna get a punch.
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Keep em coming Bigmo. |
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Yes
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Will do.
 I asked my Welsh friend how many sexual partners he'd had... He started counting but fell asleep! |
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Our Wi-Fi wasn't working last night so I sat & chatted to the Mrs for a change.
I'm surprised to hear she no longer works at Woolworths. |
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My mate needed a bone marrow transplant
We found a match in Argentina The operation was a success Our thanks go out to Diego Marrow Donor |
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Police want to interview me which is strange 'cos I can't remember applying for a job....
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Keep em coming bigmo
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My missus looking at me like I've got two heads, Diego Marrow Donor right up my street
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A young lad starts work on a building sight, the foreman says you'll be working with Donkey today, "Donkey take this lad and get those bricks up to the brickies" intrigued the lad said "Why does the foreman call you Donkey" "Eeyore, Eeyore always calls me that"
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To give you an insight to my sense of humour while on holiday in Devon we passed a theme park called Dairy land.
I said to the missus and the kids "We could go there today, and if we liked it we could go there tomorrow but after that we want go again as I wouldn't want to milk it" I was in fits of laughter nearly losing control of the car while the five other occupants remained silent or groaned  My life is now complete, my best joke ever in print |
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Won't ffs my 15 minutes of fame fu cked up by spellcheck
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If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
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Never underestimate my ability to fall short of expectations
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ufcdan
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Cheers bigmo glad you appreciate a great joke the simpletons (my family don't appreciate me)
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Nice one dan,the impromptu cracks are the best at times !
My 2 grandsons got together the other dayand said it was about time they started swearing like they do at school now so they went down to breakfast and when their mum said to the eldest,what do you want for breakfast he replied - Get me some phecking cornflakes,ya bitch. His dad swiped his head and dragged him upstairs to tell him off properly. Mum said to the younger one,well what do you want for breakfast,then? Shocked,he paused for thought and replied I know one thing,I don't want any phecking corn flakes,ya bitch ! |
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I've mentioned this before on here ufcdan but my dear mum when she was alive was travelling with us in the car when another sped past.Innocently she stated "blimey they don't hang around here do they".
We were travelling up Gibbet Hill. The hill itself is named after the crossroads at the apex of the hill (just beyond the campus on the Kenilworth road) on which a scaffold for public hangings called a Gibbet used to stand. |
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that reminds me of my late wife.The IRA had just blown up the phone box outside Paddington Green Nick which was a stones throw from her family house. When she came home and heard the news she said " I bet they won't have that there anymore" both me and her parents roared with laughter ! "Of course not you silly cow, it's been spread all over the Edgeware road" I replied. We knew what she meant but it gave us a laugh at her expense mind you Paddington Green is supposed to be the most secure Nick in the country. My brother in law got mugged outside it  |
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We were on a ferry to France and collecting the car listened to the news about a russian bloke who killed young men and kept the head of the last one in the fridge and 'enjoyed' the macabre joke of asking the next one to get a drink from the fridge just before he was about to kill them. My daughter piped up and said 'I couldn't do that' and we roared with laughter at the idea of her doing that.She has never lived it down !
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I recently hired an Eastern European woman to clean my house but I had to let her go as she took 7 hours to do the hoovering. Turned out she was a Slovak.
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