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Got any jokes?
Got any jokes?
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Replies: 14,654
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 BIGMO. |
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A bus driver and a priest died and went to heaven...
St. Peter greeted them both and led them to their new homes in heaven. They went to the bus driver's home first, and saw a large mansion. When the priest saw this, he was very excited because he was sure that he'd get a grander house, because clearly, he had done me good in his life than the bus driver. However, when they reached his new home, all he saw a small cabin. He asked St. Peter, "why is my house smaller than the bus driver's? I have served God all my life!" St. Peter responded, "well, the way you were preaching, everyone was sleeping. But the way the bus driver was driving, everyone was praying!" |
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Who says Jesus couldn't perform miracles?
He managed to find mates named Matthew, Mark, Luke and John hanging around in the Middle East |
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My wife's going to be a mummy any time now.
Only her head left to wrap. |
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My mate needed a bone marrow transplant
We found a match in Argentina The operation was a success Our thanks go out to Diego Marrow Donor |
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Did you hear about the man with no arms who entered the w@nking competition? He didn't come anywhere......
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What do you call a woman who throws her gas and 'lecy bills on the fire
Bernadette |
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I used to laugh at all fat people.
Until I saw Jo Brand on the telly. |
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Doctor doctor,every night I get the urge to go downstairs and stick my dick in the biscuit barrel, what's wrong with me? It's obvious, you're "fecking crackers."
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My missus crashed her car into a guy at lunchtime today. She told the police the guy had been on his mobile and drinking beer from a can.
The police said he was entitled to do whatever he wanted to in his own conservatory. |
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2 flies on a lump of poo, one farts, the other one says, "Do you mind I'm having my dinner."
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I've just been teaching my son how to skim a stone across the water.
As a result we're now barred from the swimming baths. |
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Couldn't believe it... I went to the gym and some **** put a bottle of water in the hole where Pringles go on the treadmill...
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I see they artificially inseminated a cow today - honest, no bull
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Pringles
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I said to my missus name a fish that starts with K and ends with K. After five minutes or so she said I give up. Kilmarnock I said ! That's not a fish. Yes it is, it's a Plaice in Scotland
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An essay should be like a skirt.
Long enough to cover everything but short enough to keep your attention. |
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In order to attract women I like to use this quote from Shakespeare’s Hamlet, Act III, Scene IV, line 82.
"Hello." |
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Why is the North Korean dictator so evil?
Because he has no Seoul. |
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My girlfriend told me she'd slept with seven people before we met.
I wouldn't mind, but I was only 20 minutes late. |
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Last night I was in a bar when me and a friend got in an argument with some tuff-looking guys, my mate quickly whispered to me "Let's pretend we're the police".. Long story short, they kicked the sh*t out of us before we even got through the first verse of "Roxanne".
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I've just bought one of those DVD's that help you get to sleep
It's called Sarah Millican Live. |
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bigmo before you got the sh1t kicked out of you maybe you and your mate should of taken some "Giant steps" and got out of there
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I've got two. Tim Farron and Jeremy Corbyn.
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ufcdan
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I noticed today that some people don't like you smacking children in public for being naughty.
Especially when they're not yours. |
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Burkas are great. If you change wives, you can still keep the same photo on your desk.
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"Its important we remember the true meaning of Easter", says the Archbishop of Cadbury.
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Some sad news from over the water today. An Irish family has died of hypothermia outside Dublin Savoy cinema after queuing three weeks to see "Closed For Winter".
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The wife had the cheek to call me a lazy b*gger today, just as I was taking down the Christmas decorations.
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You could hear a pin drop in our house today when I told my wife I'd been sh*gging her sister.
It's a pity I didn't see the grenade in her other hand. |
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My great granddad invented the wheelbarrow.
The dirty little so and so. |
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I'm not saying I hated my late wife..
But after she died in a car crash, I kept in touch with the lamppost. |
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I went to watch my sons' under eights football match today and I was shouting, "Get in there lad, smash the b*stard," when the referee came over to me on the touchline.
He said, "Will you calm down. I only asked him if he wanted heads or tails." |
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How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID F*CKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS... I'm sorry... what did you ask me? |
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I was lying in bed next to my wife last night.
I told her I still loved her. |