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Got any jokes?
Got any jokes?
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Replies: 14,654
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I drink straight outta of the wine bottle while cooking. I think that's what they mean by reducing it.
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I often confuse reptiles and amphibians. Actually, if I'm being brutally honest, they pretty much never know what I'm talking about
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I'll never forget the first time I met my wife but that won't stop me from trying.
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Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it's under the couch in the other room.
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I went dogging with the girlfriend last night..
Never again!! By the time she'd finished parking the car everyone had f*cked off! |
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A duck was about to cross the road, when a chicken came running & said..
"No don't do it!, you'll never hear the bl00dy end of it!" |
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A fellow is browsing in a pet store, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.
It doesn’t have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?' The parrot says, 'I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot.' 'Holy cow,' the guy replies. 'You actually understood and answered me!' 'I got every word,' says the parrot. 'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and thoroughly educated bird' 'Oh yeah?' the guy asks. 'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet?' 'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook. You can't see it, because of my feathers.' 'Wow,' says the guy. You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you.?' 'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.' The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. 'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.' 'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!' The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational! He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted. Weeks go by. One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssst' and motions him over with one wing. 'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the UPS man.' 'What are you talking about,?' asks the guy. 'When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.' WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously. 'THEN what happened?' 'Well, then the UPS man came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over' reported the parrot. 'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him.?' 'Yes.' 'Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.' Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?' 'I DUNNO. I got a hard-on, and fell off my perch.!' |
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A man washed up on a beach after a shipwreck.
Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed-up with him. After looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a deserted island. After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. The sheepdog, ever-protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling. A few weeks passed-by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was Nicola Sturgeon, Leader of the Scottish Nationalists. That evening, the man brought Nicola to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get those feelings again. He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Nicola and told her he hadn't had sex for months. Nicola batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him? He said, 'Take the dog for a walk.' |
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 Figjam , Parrot. |
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I've just seen a French footballer playing on a games console.
I think it was Thierry on Wii. |
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Today my friend underwent a painful procedure to have his spine and both testicles removed.
He got some great wedding presents though! |
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Thierry on Wii
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Doing a crossword I asked the wife "What's a 4 letter word for a female relative, ends in UNT?"
Wife said "aunt?" I said pass the tippex! |
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Wife: I'm sick of you pretending you're a detective, we should split up.
Me: Good idea, we can cover more ground that way! |
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International master criminals. Tell your guards to shoot James Bond in the head at the first opportunity. Under no circumstances give him a guided tour of your base, or leave him in the custody of attractive women in bikinis.
KING-sized Mars bars make ideal normal-sized Mars bars, for giants. NORMAL-sized Mars bars make ideal king-sized Mars bars for dwarfs, as well as fun-sized ones for giants. FUN-sized Mars Bars make ideal normal sized Mars Bars for midgets. PEOPLE whose surname is Toblerone should always take along an empty 'Toblerone' chocolate box when attending interviews for office jobs. This would save your potential employer the expense of having to make a name plaque for your desk, and therefore increase your chances of getting the jo |
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The most common sexual position for married couples is doggy style.
Where the husband sits & begs, while the wife rolls over & plays dead! |
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I went to bed with a blind girl last night!
She said I had the biggest d*ck she'd ever laid her hands on! I said "You're pulling my leg" |
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God: How many animals do I have left to make?
Angel: 2 God: How many legs do I have left? Angel: 100 Centipede: Dibs! Snake: You tw@t! |
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When I was young, I was adopted by a man called Daz.
He's my non-biological father. |
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I'm posting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that was me.
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Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar. His first friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. Last week I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."
His second friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber. This week I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine." Paddy says: "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief. "No I'm serious. Yesterday I came home and found a jockey under our bed." |
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I wish there was some way to identify idiots online.
Sent from my iPhone |
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Saw the world's largest egg earlier.
Thought to myself, that'll take some beating. |
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Mrs just said Gavin from Autoglass came round & injected special resin into her crack.
I'm not normally suspicious but she hasn't got a car |
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If you're depressed, try drinking 2 pints of water before going to bed.
It'll give you a reason to get up in the morning. |
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Brilliant
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Snake..you tw*t..funniest joke iv'e heard in ages
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Unashamedly stolen from the H/R forum
Willie Shafter. 04 Apr 17 21:58 A very sad day today. After 7 years of medical training and hard work, a very good friend of mine has been struck off after one minor indiscretion.She slept with one of her patients (they were good friends) and can now no longer work in the profession she loves. What a waste of time, effort, training and money. A genuinely nice lady and a brilliant vet. |
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I wouldn't say my wife is fat but...
She just walked past the TV and I missed four adverts. |
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The best thing about Japanese porn is they censor it, so I can watch it with my family.
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I bought a racehorse some years ago
Wife asked what I was going to do with it Race it was my rather obvious reply By the look of it ,you will beat it was her reply Tommy Cooper ,1965 |
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Wife was in the garden playing cricket with our youngest son.He hit hit a corker of a shot towards my wife's face nearly catching her firmly on the chin. Thankfully he missed but did catch the one underneath.
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Today someone told me my actions would have grim repercussions. I thought 'aren't they what Death sits on?'
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just asked siri, "surely it's not going to rain today?"
got the reply, "it will, and don't call me shirley" forgot to take my phone off airplane mode |
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Anyone got a owners manual for a wife?
Mines giving off a terrible whining noise! |
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Keep your potatoes wrapped in tin foil and in a cupboard, these are a welcome consolation if your house burns down.
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