We want to share an important update with our Betfair Community users.
Over the coming months, the Betfair Community platform will be winding down. The final active day for the platform will be December 21st. From December 22nd, users will no longer be able to access the platform.
Your discussions, insights, engagement, and, most importantly, feedback have helped shape the platform and guided innovation. Your feedback continues to be important to us, and we will continue to listen via our dedicated feedback channels, as well as through product testing and innovations.
To share your feedback and experience, visit: https://support.betfair.com/app/home
Chit Chat
There is currently 1 person viewing this thread.
These 14654 comments are related to the topic:
Got any jokes?
Got any jokes?
sort by:
Show
per page
Replies: 14,654
|
By:
I don’t mean to brag, but I just completed my 21 day diet in 4 hours and 30 minutes.
|
|
By:
Most household injuries are caused by saying “whatever” during an argument
|
|
By:
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far.
|
|
By:
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
|
|
By:
An apple a day keeps the doctor away but an onion a day keeps everyone away.
|
|
By:
This could be a Jeremy Kyle qoute...............................
"Your girlfriends got so many teeth missing, it looks like her tongue is in a jail". |
|
By:
 boxingthefox... |
|
By:
|
|
By:
Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the ****g thing in the first place, you fat bastards.
Dyslexics. Try deliberately spelling words wrongly. This way at least you have a chance of spelling them correctly. Bearded men can obtain the appearance of an upper class Arctic explorer by simply applying Tippex to their beards, painting their noses blue, and cutting off a couple of toes. It never fails to impress the girls. |
|
By:
I've posted some of these before but worth a re post.
QUIZMANIA (ITV) Greg Scott: We're looking for an occupation beginning with 'T'. Contestant: Doctor. Scott: No, it's 'T'. 'T' for Tommy. 'T' for Tango. Contestant: Oh, right . . . (pause) . . . Doctor. DANNY KELLY SHOW (RADIO WM) Kelly: Which French Mediterranean town hosts a famous film festival every year? Contestant: I don't know, I need a clue. Kelly: OK. What do beans come in? Contestant: Cartons? BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2) Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is? Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point. Theakston: There's a clue in the title. Contestant: Leicester. BBC NORFOLK Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World? Contestant: I don't know. White: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow? Contestant: Arm. White: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...? Contestant: Strong. White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name? Contestant: Louis. White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World? Contestant: Frank Sinatra? LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS) Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy? Contestant: France. Trelinski: France is another country. Try again. Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm. Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon? Contestant: Sorry, I don't know. Trelinski: Just guess a country then. Contestant: Paris. UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2) Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'? Contestant: Homosexuals. Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you. THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2) Anne Robinson: Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: prison, or the Conservative Party? Contestant: The Conservative Party. BEACON RADIO (WOLVERHAMPTON) DJ Mark: For Pounds 10, what is the nationality of the Pope? Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish? THE WEAKEST LINK Anne Robinson: In traffic, what 'J' is where two roads meet? Contestant: Jool carriageway? UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE Bamber Gascoigne: What was Gandhi's first name? Contestant: Goosey? GWR FM (Bristol) Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963? Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then. RTE RADIO 2FM (IRELAND) Presenter: What is the name of the long- running TV comedy show about pensioners: Last Of The ...? Caller: Mohicans. QUIZMANIA Greg Scott: We're looking for a word that goes in front of 'clock'. Contestant: Grandfather. Scott: Grandfather clock is already up there, say something else. Contestant: Panda. PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO MANCHESTER) Phil: What's 11 squared? Contestant: I don't know. Phil: I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle. Contestant: Is it five? RICHARD AND JUDY Q: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman? A: Forrest Gump. RICHARD AND JUDY Leslie: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live? Contestant: Er . . . Leslie: He makes bread . . . Contestant: Er . . . Leslie: He makes cakes . . . Contestant: Kipling Street? MAGIC 52 (NORTHEAST ENGLAND) Presenter: In what year was President Kennedy assassinated? Contestant: Erm . . . Presenter: Well, let's put it this way - he didn't see 1964. Contestant: 1965? SIMPLY THE BEST (ITV) Phil Tufnell: How many Olympic Games have been held? Contestant: Six. Tufnell: Higher! Contestant: Five. FORT BOYARD (CHALLENGE TV) Jodie Marsh: Arrange these two groups of letters to form a word - CHED and PIT. Team: Chedpit. LINCS FM PHONE-IN Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world? Contestant: Barcelona. Presenter: I was really after the name of a country. Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain. RADIO 1 EARLY MORNING SHOW Presenter: How many toes would three people have in total? Contestant: 23. NOTTS AND CROSSES QUIZ (BBC RADIO NOTTINGHAM) Jeff Owen: In which country is Mount Everest? Contestant (long pause): Er, it's not in Scotland, is it? THE MICK GIRDLER SHOW (BBC RADIO SOLENT) Girdler: I'm looking for an island in the Atlantic whose name includes the letter 'e'. Contestant: Ghana. Girdler: No, listen. It's an island in the Atlantic Ocean. Contestant: New Zealand. NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1) Question: What is the world's largest continent? Contestant: The Pacific ROCK FM (PRESTON) Presenter: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo Da Vinci. Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit? THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV) Steve Le Fevre: What was signed to bring World War I to an end in 1918? Contestant: Magna Carta. JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC) O'Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry? Contestant: Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... er ... er ... three? NATIONAL LOTTERY Eamonn Holmes: There are three states of matter: solid, liquid and what? Contestant: Jelly. RICHARD ALLINSON SHOW (RADIO 2) Allinson: What international brand shares its name with the Greek goddess of victory? Contestant (after long deliberation): Erm, Kellogg's? BLIND DATE (ITV) Girl: Name a book written by Jane Austen. Boy: Charlotte Bronte. CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL) Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna? Caller: Japan. Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again. Caller: Er ... Mexico? DOG EAT DOG (BBC1) Ulrika Jonsson: Who wrote Lord of the Rings? Contestant: Enid Blyton PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE) Paul Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last? Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days. NATIONAL LOTTERY Eamonn Holmes: Dizzy Gillespie is famous for playing what? Contestant: Basketball. NOTTS AND CROSSES QUIZ Jeff Owen: Where did the D-Day landings take place? Contestant (after pause): Pearl Harbor? DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO) Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels? Contestant: Holland? Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet. Contestant: Iceland? Ireland? Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel? Contestant: No. PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR) Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible? Contestant: Er . . . Wood: It's got two syllables . . . Kor . . . Contestant: Blimey? Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . . Contestant: (Silence) Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . . Contestant: Walked? NATIONAL LOTTERY Dale Winton: Skegness is a seaside resort on the coast of which sea:a) Irish Sea, b) English Channel, c) North Sea? Contestant: Oh, I know that, you can start writing out the cheque now, Dale. It's on the east coast, so it must be the Irish Sea. THE VAULT Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time? Contestant: Nostalgia. LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB) Presenter: What religion was Guy Fawkes? Contestant: Jewish. Presenter: That's close enough. BREAKFAST SHOW, RADIO 1 Chris Moyles: Which 'S' is a kind of whale that can grow up to 80 tonnes? Contestant: Ummm . . . Moyles: It begins with 'S' and rhymes with 'perm'. Contestant: Shark. STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2) Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loincloth did he play? Contestant: Jesus. |
|
By:
Excellent stuff as usual.
A classic from an Irish radio quiz: PRESENTER: Complete the popular phrase. "As happy as...." CALLER: I think I know this one. PRESENTER: Then go ahead, complete the phrase, "As happy as...." CALLER: It's "As happy as a pig in ****". PRESENTER: Erm... |
|
By:
shoite
 |
|
By:
Brilliant Bigmo.
|
|
By:
Thanks, again, bigmo
 I presume the quiz answers were really said? |
|
By:
I dreamt I wrote Lord of The Rings.
It turned out I was just Tolkien in my sleep. |
|
By:
|
|
By:
Frank Sinatra answer.
Just brilliant bigmo. |
|
By:
Welcome back annie.
|
|
By:
Apparently so annie.
|
|
By:
The government says that smoking weed causes memory loss.
That's nonsense, next thing they'll say smoking weed causes memory loss. |
|
By:
The local farmer has grown the first ever field of lady’s toys!
He’s now having a problem with squatters. |
|
By:
Remember to use condoms!
Because if she'd sleep with you, she'd sleep with anyone. |
|
By:
Loved the quiz questions
Welcome back, Annie |
|
By:
He’s now having a problem with squatters.
|
|
By:
My dog’s just blown his kennel up!
Bl00dy Yorkshire Terrorist |
|
By:
I just saw on the news
'Missing girl found safe' What I want to know is.. Could she crack it? |
|
By:
REASONS WHY MEN SHAVE THEIR PUBIC HAIR;
1% - Personal Hygiene 99% - In case of unexpected Bl0w J0b |
|
By:
Paul McCartney bought Heather Mills a plane for her birthday.
For her other leg, he bought her a razor. |
|
By:
Give up smoking by sticking one cigarette from each new pack up a fat friend's @rse, filter first, then replacing it in the box. The possibility of putting that one in your mouth will put you off smoking any of them.
Pretend to be Welsh by putting coal dust behind your ears, talking gibberish and singing all the time. If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed. |
|
By:
Housewives: When nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a stiff broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass to the side of the road every time you have a minor accident. |
|
By:
Thanks, Joel, Diva and bigmo
|
|
By:
Little Bernawi, was in his 5th grade class, when the teacher asked, the children, what their fathers, did for a living.
All the typical answers came up: fireman, policeman, salesman, etc. Bernawi was being uncharacteristically quiet, and so the teacher asked him, about his father. 'My father's an exotic dancer, in a gay bar, and takes off, all his clothes, in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer, is really good, he'll go out, to the alley, with some guy, and make love with him, for money. 'The teacher, obviously shaken, by this statement, hurriedly set the other children, to work, on some colouring, and took little Bernawi outside to ask him, 'Is that really true about your father? ''No,' said Bernawi, 'He plays football for Arsenal, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids. |
|
By:
My ex-girlfriend tried to humiliate me by telling all her friends I was terrible in bed.
Imagine her surprise when they all disagreed. |
|
By:
How do you wash a pod of dolphins?
You use multi-porpoise cleaner. |
|
By:
I've just been to see the meerkats at the zoo, how disappointing!
They know f*ck all about car insurance. |
|
By:
I went to volunteer at the Tourette's Society but they told me to f*ck off.
|
|
By:
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.
"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over to him and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person." The boy leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist." |
|
By:
Cop: Whose car is this? Where are you headed? What do you do?
Miner: Mine |
|
By:
Avoid cutting yourself while clumsily slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
Make people think you have an expensive car phone by calling them, asking them to repeat everything they say and then hanging up half way through their reply. Don't invite drug addicts round for a meal on boxing day. They may find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive. |
|
By:
I've decided to stop posting sexist jokes because women find them too complicated.
|