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Got any jokes?
Got any jokes?
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Replies: 14,654
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My doctor told me to take up an activity that gets me out of the pub.
So I've started smoking. |
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A man goes into a chemist and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups. The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man's face. |
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A man goes into a chemist and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups. The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man's face. "What did you do that for?" the man asks. "Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore, do you?" The man says, "No, but my wife out in the car still does!" |
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Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.
Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall. Make bathtimes as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath. |
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Sarah goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?" Sarah waves her hand, "Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!" Miss Rogers says, "All right, Sarah, what is your multi-syllable word?" Sarah says, "Mas-tur-bate." Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, Sarah, that's a mouthful." Sarah says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a ****."
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FFS we all know what it is^^^
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The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with a liberal arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?" |
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My young daughter asked me this morning.
"Daddy, what were you and mummy doing last night? I could hear a buzzing noise then mummy started to scream." "Nothing darling," I replied. It was then I burst out laughing as my wife walked down the stairs with her half-shaved head. |
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Seeing my ex for the first time in months left me with just one thought.
I wish the neighbour's dog would stop digging up my garden. |
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bigmo
Were did you get the blue ink for your keyboard from  |
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neighbour's dog
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boxingthefox 25 Mar 17 23:39
FFS we all know what it is^^^ |
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wife: Honey, do you think I gained weight?
Husband:No, I think the living room got smaller. |
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I got really angry with my sat nav today. I even yelled at it to go to hell. 20 minutes later, it brought me in front of my mother-in-law’s house.
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My Brother took being sent to Jail really badly.
He refused all offers of food and drink,spat and swore at anyone who came near him and smeared the walls with his own sh*t. After that,we never played Monopoly again! |
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A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
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Little boy stood in his back garden. "Mum, why is my Sunderland shirt on the grass?" Mum looks out and shouts, "The thieving b@st@rds have nicked my pegs." |
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That's fighting talk where I come from bigmo !
Good job for you,I have moved now. |
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treetop
Posted this morning and waited. tick tock tick tock..... No matter who I put you know it's coming. |
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Increase blind people's electricity bills by switching all their lights on when their guide dog isn't looking.
Make guests believe your home might be bugged by running your hands under tables and inside lampshades, then turning the shower on every time you want to speak. Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in. |
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The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with a liberal arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?" Brilliant bigmo  This should be put up in every secondary school! My brother has spent a fortune educating his six children with all their liberal arts type degrees etc as he earns too much. None of them have or will end up like him, a working class boy made good through hard work and studying. |
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Two eggs boiling in a pan.
One says, "I've got a huge crack." The other replies, "Stop teasing me, I'm not f*cking hard yet." |
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I'm glad I let my girlfriend move in with me.
If it wasn't for her I'd have never known shoes don't f*cking go there. |
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I took a girl back to my house for sex last night.
After going upstairs, I slowly removed my clothes and climbed under the quilt. "You'll have to be really quiet," I whispered, "My mum & dad are asleep." "I can see that," she said, "Have you not got your own bed?" |
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My mate just said, "What's your favourite mythical creature"?
I said, "Those happy women in Tampax adverts." |
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I was driving down the country road when I accidentally shunted the car in front. A women got out and said "fancy ramming me up the @rse"
And that your honor is where the misunderstanding started... |
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Good man Bigmo. |
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@ the Tampax gag. |
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If this retractable tape measure snaps back & cuts my hand just one more time, I may be forced to stand up & get the remote control myself.
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The UK Government has said that Scotland could end up as a Third World country if they try and vote again for independence. I don't know if things will improve to that extent, but you never know. |
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That was at the tape measure joke
You're too quick, Bigmo. |
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Milton Jones: Imagine you are both a Moth and the captain of a ship,..... you see a lighthouse,..... you know you shouldn't........................................................................
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BTF
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Hi JM, hope you're well and winning mate.
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Make your girlfriend cry when you're having sex by phoning her up and telling her.
Girls. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get p*ssed, lie in a sand pit in your garden and shag every bloke who looks at you over the fence. Bus drivers. Pretend you're an airline pilot by wedging your accelerator pedal down with a heavy book, securing the steering wheel with some old rope, and then strolling back along the bus chatting casually to the passengers. |
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I'm so good at home repairs that they have a special VIP area for me in A&E.
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