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These 14654 comments are related to the topic:
Got any jokes?
Got any jokes?
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Replies: 14,654
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My missus is so ugly she made One Direction go another direction.
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Printing.
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Pretending it's Pancake Day.
If anyone else tries to make another pancake joke today! I'll batter them! Happy Pancake Day!! ****s! |
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T0ssers
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When one door closes, another one opens.
These IKEA wardrobes are sh1t! |
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Me "I watched a TV programme earlier with all those cheap nasty antiques on it"
"Bargain Hunt?" my mate replied "No, Loose women!" |
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Honey, do you think I gained weight?
No, I think the living room got smaller. |
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Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live."
Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!" Doctor: "Nine." |
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Mother: "How was school today, Patrick?"
Patrick: "It was really great mum! Today we made explosives!" Mother: "Ooh, they do very fancy stuff with you these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow?" Patrick: "What school?" |
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Police officer: "Can you identify yourself, sir?"
Driver pulls out his mirror and says: "Yes, it's me." |
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Two flies are sitting on a pile of dog poop. One suggests to the other: “Do you want to hear a really good joke?”
The other fly replies: “But nothing disgusting like last time, I’m trying to eat here!” |
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In a boomerang shop: "I'd like to buy a new boomerang please. Also, can you tell me how to throw the old one away?"
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A priests asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, "Do you have any last requests?”
"Yes," replies the murderer. "Can you please hold my hand?" |
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What do you get when you cross a bunny and a Rottweiler?
Just the Rottweiler. |
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Smiling at them foxy !
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Woman at a maternity hospital is in a lot of pain, moaning. The man strokes her back, “I’m so sorry sweetheart that you have to endure this…”
She replies: “Don’t worry Steve, it’s not your fault.” |
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Yes, money cannot buy you happiness, but I’d still feel a lot more comfortable crying in a new BMW than on a bike.
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Don’t be sad when a bird craps on your head. Be happy that dogs can’t fly.
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Job interview in a psychiatry hospital:
So you’re interested in working with us. What is your experience with mentally disturbed people? I’ve been on Facebook for 5 years now. Very good, the job is yours. |
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Little Red Riding Hood walks all alone through the deep dark wood. Suddenly she hears rustling in a thick bush. Cautiously she moves the branches aside and finds herself facing the big bad wolf.
"Oh, Big Bad Wolf, why do you have such huge red eyes?" "Go away! I'm crapping!" |
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Great work.
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Thanks for keeping this going bigmo.
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Interviewer: "I heard you were extremely quick at maths"
Me: "yes, as a matter of fact I am" Interviewer: "Whats 14x27" Me: "49" Interviewer: "That's not even close" Me: "Yeah, but it was fast" |
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NO TIME for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.
APPLY red nail varnish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting varnish should be selected). PUTTING just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and causes them to swim in an amusing manner. |
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One of my ex's - her written English isn't that great - sends me, with no encouragement on my part, quasi-political jokes. Some of them are surprisingly OK.
Nicola Sturgeon, Donald Trump, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there they spy a red phone and ask what it's for. The Devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth. Putin calls Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he finishes the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a cheque. Next Donald Trump calls the USA and talks for 30 minutes. When he's finished the devil tells him that the cost is 6 million dollars, and Trump writes him a cheque. Finally Nicola Sturgeon gets her turn and calls Scotland for 4 hours. When she's finished, the devil informs her that there is no charge, and feel free to call Scotland anytime. Putin and Trump go ballistic and ask the devil why Nicola Sturgeon got to call Scotland free. The devil replies, "since she became First Minister of Scotland, the Country has gone to hell, so it's a local call." |
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A left-wing politician, a TV reporter and a SAS trooper were captured by ISIS. They were sentenced to death by beheading. The ISIS leader said they could have one last wish before sentence was carried out.
The politician asked to hear a rendering of 'Keep the red flag flying here', The reporter asked that the beheading to be televised so that even when he was dead his face would be on TV. The trooper asked to be kicked three times up the arse. This was carried out, as the last kick landed the trooper pulled a hidden 9mm pistol out of his smock, shot three terrorists dead, grabbed a fallen AK47 and killed the rest of the terrorists. The other two were amazed, and asked why he requested to be kicked three times before drawing the gun. Because, said the trooper, when we get back to the UK I don’t want you pair of bastards saying it was an unprovoked attack. |
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Brilliant Bodil! |
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Employer: What would you say is your worst fault?
Interviewee: Honesty. Employer: I don't think that should really be described as a fault. Interviewee: I don't give a sh1t what you think. |
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Mrs asked, "Would you like a bl0w job?"
I said, "Do bears sh1t in the woods?" Wish I'd just said 'Yes', she's been on Google ever since! |
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My Mother-in-law came into work at lunch today and I must admit, I was genuinely pleased to see her.
I'm an undertaker. |
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Women are natural born artists.
From drawing eyebrows to drawing conclusions . |
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Love that one about ISIS bodil !
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Everyone a classic lads
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According to a recent survey
4 out of 5 Urologists smell their apple juice before they drink it. |
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It sucks playing Hamlet at battleships, once he gets to 2B he can’t make up his mind.
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In the beginning, God created the heaven, hell and the earth. After that, everything else was made in China.
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