We want to share an important update with our Betfair Community users.
Over the coming months, the Betfair Community platform will be winding down. The final active day for the platform will be December 21st. From December 22nd, users will no longer be able to access the platform.
Your discussions, insights, engagement, and, most importantly, feedback have helped shape the platform and guided innovation. Your feedback continues to be important to us, and we will continue to listen via our dedicated feedback channels, as well as through product testing and innovations.
To share your feedback and experience, visit: https://support.betfair.com/app/home
Chit Chat
There is currently 1 person viewing this thread.
These 14654 comments are related to the topic:
Got any jokes?
Got any jokes?
sort by:
Show
per page
Replies: 14,654
|
By:
One from the Land of the Free.
Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel,” Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and Camels and I will lead you to the Promised Land.” Nearly seventy five years ago (when Welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said” Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land.” Today Congress has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of Camels and mortgaged the Promised Land! I was so depressed last thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds etc…I called a Suicide Hotline. I had to press 1 for English; I was connected to a call centre in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck?.....Folks we’re screwed |
|
By:
A blind man had to shoot his dog...
...to this day he still misses him. |
|
By:
A man sees a lady with big breasts.
He asks, "Excuse me, can I bite your breasts for £1000?" She agrees, so they go to a secluded corner. She opens her blouse and the man puts his face in her breasts for 10 minutes. Eventually the lady asks, "Aren't you gonna bite them?" He replies, "No, it's too expensive." |
|
By:
I hear Kim Jung-Un has read every book ever written...
That's why they call him the Supreme Reader. |
|
By:
Mirror mirror on the wall
Who's the fairest of them all The mirror sighed and gave a grunt And said "not you, you ugly ****" |
|
By:
 |
|
By:
'It's too expensive'.
|
|
By:
Why do hurricanes get lousy names, like Sandy?
Name that thing Hurricane Death Megatron 900 and I guarantee folks will be evacuating like they need to. |
|
By:
What's the difference between tired and exhausted?
When you run in front of a car, you get tired. When you run behind a car, you get exhausted. |
|
By:
Trump's wall will cost 21.6 billion, Nasa's budget is only 19 billion.
Probably because Mexico has more aliens. |
|
By:
I was in the pub with my mate last night and he was sighing heavily and staring into his pint glass.
"What's up mate"? I said, "You look worried" "So would you mate" he replied, "My five year old son has gone and got our gorgeous eighteen year old next door neighbours daughter pregnant" I said "No way, that's not possible" He replied "It ****g is, the little ****'s gone and stuck a pin in all my condoms"! |
|
By:
Donald Trump has announced that America is going to get tough on countries that harbour Islamic Extremist's.
France has already surrendered. |
|
By:
I really hate having bi-polar, it's brilliant!
|
|
By:
I once went on a date with a girl who didn't swallow.
Soup everywhere. |
|
By:
TAKE your dustbin to the supermarket with you so that you can see which items you have recently run out of.
MAKE shopkeepers feel like criminals and con men by carefully checking their change and holding bank notes up to the light before accepting them. SAVE on charity donations by spending a pound on clothes at a charity shop, then selling them for 50p to another charity shop. This way you can give twice as much, at half the cost. I think. |
|
By:
Bi-polar
 |
|
By:
When I see a girl, I first look at her hair. Then at her eyes, lips, neck...
Damn dial-up! |
|
By:
My dad always told me he never made the same mistake twice
Must be why I'm an only child. |
|
By:
If there is no God
Who keeps getting my wife pregnant? |
|
By:
Dial-up
|
|
By:
EXPENSIVE hair gels are a con. Marmalade is a much cheaper alternative, but beware of bees in the summer. |
|
By:
I went to the Doctors to cure my insatiable appetite for consuming mints with holes in, the Doc thinks I
may have BuyPolo disorder. |
|
By:
|
|
By:
|
|
By:
|
|
By:
I just finished reading a book called "How To Give Constructive Criticism".
It was f*cking sh*t. |
|
By:
I am trying to get some sleep. It's 2am and the woman next door is making a terrible racket.
If she won't shut up I might even take her advice and call the police. |
|
By:
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common:
They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason. |
|
By:
I'm hoping in 3 years time I develop perfect eyesight, well that's
my 2020 vision. |
|
By:
What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?
Beat it. We’re closed. |
|
By:
Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack?
He only comes once a year. |
|
By:
What’s the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?
A hooker can wash her crack and resell it. |
|
By:
If I had a penny for every time someone called me sexist...
I'd probably be earning more than the average woman. |
|
By:
A bloke on a tractor has just driven past me shouting "The end of the world is nigh!!"
I think it was Farmer Geddon. |
|
By:
I love playing mind games with my wife.
Cluedo, Scrabble and today I even bought her some flowers and I haven't done anything wrong! |
|
By:
Q: What is the difference between a cat and a comma?
A: One has claws at the end of its paws and the other is a pause at the end of a clause. |
|
By:
Five out of six people agree that Russian Roulette is safe.
|
|
By:
Your missus is so fat, I took a picture of her last Christmas and it's still printing
|
|
By:
|
|
By:
 |