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These 14654 comments are related to the topic:
Got any jokes?
Got any jokes?
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Replies: 14,654
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If you ask me what my favorite rock band is and I'm being subjective, I'd say The Who.
If I was being objective, I'd say it was The Whom. |
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I'm afraid of dying alone...
So I became a bus driver. |
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A boy is writing a paper on childbirth and asks his parents, "How was I born?"
His mother awkwardly answers, "The stork brought you." "Oh," says the boy. "Well, how were you and Daddy born?" "Um, well, the stork brought us, too, and Grandpa and Grandma." The boy begins his paper, "This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations." |
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I asked a prostitute who had no fingers for a hand job, but she just palmed me off!
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I shouldn't be laughing at that one so much bigmo. Its not right.
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Same here Jack but i'm pi$$ing myself
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Slightly overweight women. Look and feel like Kate Moss by moving to Worksop.
BOMB disposal experts' wives. Keep hubby on his toes by packing his lunchbox with plasticine and an old alarm clock. SAVE electricity by turning off all the lights in your house and walking around wearing a miner's hat. AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally. |
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I remember one time I brought my report card home and said, "Hey Dad, I got a B in Reading!"
He just said "That's a D, you idiot." |
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Got out of the shower & my wife said
"look, its like a p*nis only smaller" I said "look, its like my secretary only fatter & less flexible" |
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Two blondes fell down a hole.
One said, "It's dark down here isn't it?" The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see." |
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"Got out of the shower & my wife said
"look, its like a p*nis only smaller" I said "look, its like my secretary only fatter & less flexible"  |
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What are the three most popular owls in the u.k.....barn,tawny and teat
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I accidentally walked into my son's bedroom whilst he was masturbating. Embarrassed, I said to him, "don't do that son, it's bad for your eyesight".
He replied, "Dad, I'm over here" |
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HOUSEWIVES. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.
DON'T INVITE DRUG ADDICTS round for a meal on boxing day. They may find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive. OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know. |
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Happy pancake day
To all you girls with small t.ts. Today is all about YOU. |
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I bet my mate £20 that I could make him speak like a Red Indian.
"How?" He replied. |
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When I married my wife, her father promised me a cow and an acre of land.
20 years later, I'm still waiting for the land. |
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When someone is murdered, the police investigate the spouse first
That pretty much tells you everything you need to know about marriage. |
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I'm still watching programmes so I know how to get away with it
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When people talk about Wayne Rooney, they say he's a brilliant footballer but thick as two short planks.
You never hear anyone saying that Stephen Hawking is a genius but sh'te at football do you? As usual it's one rule for England Captains and another for Theoretical Quantum Physicists. |
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I wanted to watch the world origami championship on TV but it was only on paper view.
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I just bought some counterfeit @mrkiplingcakes
I must say, they're exceedingly good fakes. |
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On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said "Is King Kong Coming?" I said "No it’s just the paste off my brush" |
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WHEN reading a book try tearing out the pages as you read them. This saves the expense of buying a bookmark, and the pages can later be used for shopping lists.
A TEASPOON placed in a glass on the back seat of your car makes a handy audible gauge for road bump severity. BUS DRIVERS. Pretend you're an airline pilot by wedging your accelerator pedal down with a heavy book, securing the steering wheel with some old rope, and then strolling back along the bus chatting casually to the passengers. |
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Restaurant
Waiter: Your coffee Me: Could I have a little spoon please? Waiter: Certainly *Delicately embraces me from behind* Me: lovely |
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I was on my way to work today, when I saw a woman driving with her hazard lights on.
I thought to myself, "At least she's honest. |
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Anyone want to swap some @rse gags?
I've got piles... |
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Hazard ....
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Greg_Gory I'm still watching programmes so I know how to get away with it Apparently if you get yourself a Pug dog they eat all the evidence ...I'm an avid watcher of the crime programmes on CBS reality  |
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Me to Dr: I’ve hurt my p*nis in a surfing accident
Dr: Did you fall off your board Me: No I slammed my laptop shut when the wife walked in |
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How do Mexicans feel about Trump's wall?
They'll get over it. |
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What's got no teeth and smells?
The gearbox in the wife's car... |
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Sting dies and goes to the Gates of Heaven God says "I won't let you in with your body!" Sting replies why can't you let my
body in?", God sings " Soul only ,Soul only.".... |
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A Pug Dog
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Brilliant bigmo btw
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