We want to share an important update with our Betfair Community users.
Over the coming months, the Betfair Community platform will be winding down. The final active day for the platform will be December 21st. From December 22nd, users will no longer be able to access the platform.
Your discussions, insights, engagement, and, most importantly, feedback have helped shape the platform and guided innovation. Your feedback continues to be important to us, and we will continue to listen via our dedicated feedback channels, as well as through product testing and innovations.
To share your feedback and experience, visit: https://support.betfair.com/app/home
Chit Chat
There is currently 1 person viewing this thread.
These 14654 comments are related to the topic:
Got any jokes?
Got any jokes?
sort by:
Show
per page
Replies: 14,654
|
By:
 |
|
By:
 |
|
By:
|
|
By:
|
|
By:
The missus was upset at me for deleting her favourite film, Armageddon, from the Sky+ box
"Fkg hell" I said, "it's not the end of the world" |
|
By:
I got a jumper for Xmas but it was full of static so I returned to the retailer
the buyer bought it from and they replaced it with another one free of charge. |
|
By:
Joke courtesy of Niall Toibin:
An Irish betting syndicate have plans to pull off a coup so they get hold of a really good horse and enter him in a 5 horse race at a small track. They say to the dodgy jockey they have booked, "Now we don't want to show our hand or make it too obvious so could you ride it so he comes third". Jockey says, "Sure, no problem, I've done this before. There's no way he'll win I'll ride him into 3rd, no worries". The horse runs and comes 3rd. After the race they are talking to the jockey. "So what do you think of him?" Jockey replies"Sure he's a fine horse, he was pulling me arms off all the way around". "So you think he would have beaten the two in front?" "No problem at all. If I hadn't been strangling round the track he would have beaten them easy. However, I don't think he'd beat the two behind!" |
|
By:
EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 60
1. Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. 2. With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. 3. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags. 4. Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.) 5. After you feel confident at that level, place one potato in each bag. |
|
By:
|
|
By:
BBC News - Suicide Bombers Go On Strike
Suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Wednesday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement. The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death would be cut by 25% this February from 72 to 54. A spokesman said increases in recent years in the number of suicide bombings has resulted in a shortage of virgins in the afterlife. The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs ( B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement saying the move was unacceptable to its members and called for a strike vote. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth". Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands, Al Qaeda chief executive Haisheet Mapants explained, "I sympathize with our workers concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditures or laying people off. I don't like cutting benefits but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up." Spokespersons for the union in the North East of England, Ireland, Wales and the entire Australian continent stated that the change would not hurt their membership as there are so few virgins in their areas anyway. According to some industry sources, the recent drop in the number of suicide bombings has been attributed to the emergence of Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle. Many Jihadists now know what a virgin looks like and have reconsidered their benefit packages. |
|
By:
What do you call Watson when Sherlock isn't around?
Holmeless. |
|
By:
Islam is not the religion of peace.
It's the religion of pieces. |
|
By:
I just read a list of "The 100 Things To Do Before You Die".
I was pretty surprised that "Yell for help" wasn't one of them. |
|
By:
Bigmo,BBC News....
|
|
By:
Weedy fellas. Develop a right forearm like Arnold Schwarzeneggar by buying one of those Cindy Crawford workout videos.
Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next **** from the butt of your last one. Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they`re always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc `tastes exactly like the real thing`, they won`t know any difference. |
|
By:
How many conspiracy theorists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
We may never know the truth. |
|
By:
If I had a dollar for every time I had an existential crisis...
It wouldn't matter because currency is a social construct and life is meaningless. |
|
By:
All Lives Matter
...until you multiply them by the speed of light squared. Then all lives energy. |
|
By:
BBC News: "People who suffer from Anxiety and Depression more likely to develop Cancer"
That'll cheer them up. |
|
By:
2020 Olympic high jump results:
Gold - Mexico Silver - Mexico Bronze - Mexico |
|
By:
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog because he shuts up after you let him in. |
|
By:
what's political an will be totaly fcuked tonight?
labour  |
|
By:
this 1 works better when repeated verbally :
My grandad got killed by a Zulu went for a p!ss @ Whipsinade and the roof fell in on him |
|
By:
2020 Olympic pole vault results:
Gold - Mexico Silver - Mexico Bronze - Mexico Already did this one in the Pub |
|
By:
I was the getaway driver for a robbery at a paper merchants last week.
We took the A4. |
|
By:
I actually fully support the women's march.
It's about time the fat b*tches got some exercise. |
|
By:
Pessimist: Oh, this can't get any worse!
Optimist: Yes, it can! |
|
By:
To the person who stole my shoes while I was on the bouncy castle.
F.cking grow up! |
|
By:
Irishman gets a metal detector for his birthday.
He digs 60 foot down before he realised he's wearing steel toecaps. |
|
By:
Bloke walks past a shop and in the window is a video for sale.......'Liverpool - The Glory Years'.
Interested, he goes in and asks the shopkeeper 'How much is it?' '£100' says the shopkeeper. Bloke says, '£100? Why so much, it is very rare?' 'Not really', says the shopkeeper - 'its a tenner for the video and £90 for the Betamax player'. |
|
By:
Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you`d no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.
Spice up your sex life by trying a bit of `rodeo sex`. Take your missus from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs, call her by the wrong name. See how long you can `stay mounted` for. Drivers. Pressing the headlight switch for a second time dips the buggers. |
|
By:
A guy goes in to a bar and asks the barman" Isn't that Trump and Pence over there?
The bartender says "Yep that's them." So the guy walks over and says "Wow this is a real honour!What are you guys doing in here?" Pence says "We're planning WW3" The guys "Really? What's going to happen?" Trump says "Well,we're going to kill 140 million Muslims and a blonde with big t.ts." The guy exclaimed " A blonde with big t.ts? Why kill a blonde with big tits? Trump turns to Pence and says " See,I told you no one gives a cr.p about the 140 million Muslims." |
|
By:
TWERK : definition
1 A dance predominately involving the enthusiastic and suggestive vigorous moving of the bottom with a sexual undertone. 2 A place that people in Yorkshire go to earn a living. |
|
By:
Why do white people own so many pets?
Because we’re not allowed to own people anymore. |
|
By:
Why did Van Gogh become a painter?
Because he didn't have an ear for music. |
|
By:
[i]"Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you`d no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak."[/]
That is brilliant |
|
By:
"Spice up your sex life by trying a bit of `rodeo sex`. Take your missus from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs, call her by the wrong name. See how long you can `stay mounted` for".
|
|
By:
HGV drivers. When climbing a long hill at 20 mph, the lane to drive in is the LEFT f*cking one.
FOOL other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the kerb. DRILL a one inch diameter hole in your refrigerator door. This will allow you to check that the light goes off when the door is closed. |
|
By:
A physicist, engineer, and mathematician are asked by a local farmer to build the smallest fence they possibly can to hold in all of his sheep.
The physicist builds a big fence and slowly reduces the size until he can't reduce the fence any longer. The engineer measures each sheep, stacks them in a specific way, and then builds a fence around them. The mathematician builds a small fence around himself, then defines himself to be outside the fence. |
|
By:
My new neighbor is fat, obnoxious, and loud.
Now I know how Canada feels. |